Are we having fun yet?
If you're a woman in midlife, it's essential
Have you seen the meme about the difference between cats and dogs? Since I have both, it amuses me no end.
It’s got a dog staring at the front door, and the cat curled up on the chair. The dog is crying “when will they be back?!!!”
The cat, stretches and purrs “who?”
Depending on the state of my emotional bandwidth, I can be either the dog or the cat. And I suspect, so can you.
When my bandwidth is thin, I’m more like the paranoid puppy worrying the ankles of my latest problem, anxious about something that hasn’t happened yet, metaphorically peeing on the carpet when I feel overwhelmed.
When my bandwidth is thicker, I’m more like the cat, languishing in my own belief that I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to, as well I can. No guilt, no second guessing. (Well, I’m a woman raised with the patriarchal posturing about what women can’t do and should do, so you know, not as much guilt or second guessing).
As regular readers of this column know, I’m in the torrid juggle between parent care and child care right now. My dad is in his last weeks in Belfast, my kids are getting ready for school in Dublin, and the busy September season is looming large. Like many midlife women, I can feel very squashed between all the demands, expectations and responsibilities. (And thank you so much, by the way, for all the messages sending me love and care…. I really do appreciate it).
As a way of helping myself process this shit-storm, my last two columns have been about managing your emotional bandwidth amid the mayhem.
This week I want to talk about one way to regulate your emotional wellbeing - and I don’t mean a scented bath.
Let’s talk about fun. And joy. And just plain mini-periods of peace. Remember them?
The things you could randomly do when every scrap of your time and energy wasn’t sucked into the vortex of practicality?
As I wrote in a feature for last week’s Irish Independent, fun is not an optional extra once you get to the end of the To-Do list, or out the other side of your current tough phase.
Fun is a fundamental part of your emotional wellbeing. Yet, women in midlife - and this is backed up by plenty of research - are the busiest, and least supported cohort of society. This might be the time I put fun aside. But this is the time I need to really dig deep to find some joy in the long, hard days.
The whole Independent article is below at the end, including interviews with fabulous women finding the joy in their lives again. But this is an extract:
Have you found yourself recently googling pickleball, sea swimming or maybe even Hyrox? It might be a sign you have reached your practical midlife limit and need a bit more play. Having just joined a choir, I’m the new midlife cliche and loving it.
Fun gives your task-driven mind a chance to settle. It isn’t an optional extra once the to-do list is ticked; fun is a fundamental part of your well-being. Because – and I’ve tested this theory – there is no fun in never-ending laundry.
There is also the opposing midlife cliche that affects many women in midlife: burnt out, bored and too busy for fun.
I see it in my coaching practice, helping women find balance. With someone new, I always begin by getting a bird’s-eye view of all areas of their life. The most consistent lowest score is in the area of fun and leisure.
It’s easy for women to become overwhelmed with their roles and responsibilities. Time pressure is real, juggling work, parent care, child care, home management and relationship care. The idea of a midlife crisis has been debunked, replaced with a U-shaped happiness curve. Fun and happiness can dip in the busyness of midlife, but you can bring it back.
Women in particular are given the messaging that busy is best and fun is frivolous, when actually it plays a crucial role in our physical, mental and emotional wellness. Fun reduces stress, improves mood, sparks creativity and connection, lowers blood pressure and improves concentration (yes, the fun lunch break makes you work harder.)
So amid my own merry (and stressful and sad) mayhem, I’m trying to keep moments of joy and fun.
I am trying to do and be present in whatever I’m doing. When I’m walking the dogs, I’m walking the dogs and picking blackberries until my hands are stained purple and the poo bag is bursting. When I’m with my Dad, I’m trying to be with Dad and not be distracted by work. When I’m FaceTiming my girls, I’m trying not to be making the dinner here. And when I’m working, I’m working. I’m trying really hard not to let distraction rule and ruin me.
And while FUN might be stretching my own creative abilities right now, I’m taking really simple pleasure in things. Picking raspberries from my dad’s garden and flooding my morning yoghurt with pink and purple freshly picked berries. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. Taking my shoes off on the dog walk to feel the grass beneath me and literally ground myself in the moment.
I broke the rules yesterday and brought balloons into my dad in hospital for his birthday (mostly to cover for the bigger hospital rule break of bringing him a swig of his favourite whiskey because life is for living, right to the end.) He has it stashed under his pillow and it’s a joy to see his mischievous eyes again.
And sometimes that’s enough. It’s not even the “fun” per se. It’s the act of remembering to be amid the doing. To smile. To breathe.
So don’t be like a dog and chew the corner of the sofa when you’re bored or upset.
Be like a cat …play with the dangling tussle on the sofa cushion, then go and look for a cuddle, or just languish in the moment, stretching as if there is no better, or more joyous thing to do.
For paid subscribers, just email me for a lovely little exercise to get your fun fundamentals going. And……. drumroll please. I have finally done the brochure for my VERY joyous and fun Soul & Spice adventure.
This is NOT a retreat… but a re-awakening. This is for any women who is craving some
✨ Soul-soaring adventure
✨ Sense-tingling indulgence
✨ Sisterhood & laughter
It’s from the 8th-11th November and think desert sunsets, rooftop yoga, hammam rituals, coaching circles under the stars, and FUN!
As always - if you want some 1:1 support, or to join my group The Balance Life Blueprint starting 8th September… all the deets are here.
Have a great week, and as always, please leave a comment if you want a chat!
Here’s the Irish Independent article in full:
Middle aged Irish women need more joy in their lives’ – how to have fun after 40
As the pressures and practicalities of career, raising a family and caring for others takes over, it’s all too easy to lose time for yourself. But as The Midlife Coach Alana Kirk writes, finding joy is a key part of well-being – not an optional extra
Have you found yourself recently googling pickleball, sea swimming or maybe even (indoor fitness competition) Hyrox? It might be a sign you have reached your practical midlife limit and need a bit more play. Having just joined a choir, I’m the new midlife cliche and loving it.
Fun gives your task-driven mind a chance to settle. It isn’t an optional extra once the to-do list is ticked; fun is a fundamental part of your well-being. Because – and I’ve tested this theory – there is no fun in never-ending laundry.
There is also the opposing midlife cliche that affects many women in midlife: burnt out, bored and too busy for fun.
Between single parenting, parent care and work, the fun factor had certainly begun to diminish in my own life. At 55, I’m living proof of the plethora of recent research which shows that women in midlife (a now decades-long stage) are the busiest, and least supported cohort of society.
I see it in my coaching practice, helping women find balance. With someone new, I always begin by getting a bird’s-eye view of all areas of their life. The most consistent lowest score is in the area of fun and leisure.
It’s easy for women to become overwhelmed with their roles and responsibilities. Time pressure is real, juggling work, parent care, child care, home management and relationship care. The idea of a midlife crisis has been debunked, replaced with a U-shaped happiness curve. Fun and happiness can dip in the busyness of midlife, but you can bring it back.
Finola Howard (56), a business growth strategist from Waterford, wasn’t always working – or living – with a joyful heart. For years, she juggled work and family life to the exclusion of everything else, including fun.
“I was ticking all the boxes I thought I was meant to, but many were fake benchmarks because I was conditioned to believe that being successful meant constantly hustling,” she says.
Always on the road, her two-year-old son Sean would cry every time she mentioned leaving. “But I was conditioned to believe I had no choice.”
A combination of factors, including her father dying and Covid, led her to change. Howard had taken time off when her father died, and afterwards realised the world hadn’t fallen apart. That experience, along with Covid forcing her to relinquish her office in Waterford, meant she could start reshaping her life to create more space for fun.
“One day, a friend suggested a sea swim. As someone who had never swum out of her depth, to plunge straight into the sea in Dunmore was really terrifying. But then I realised how exhilarated I felt. Literally feeling out of my depth, physically and metaphorically, I realised I could make changes.”
She built an office in her back garden and a new community of friends at the seafront. “I had never invested time in friendships, but now I do because I am more than my business and being a partner and parent. I’ve returned to myself.
“I found socialising boring if it wasn’t about business, but now the depth these women give me as we belly laugh and connect is game-changing. I can see Hook Lighthouse from my office, a reminder to sign my own permission slip because it is non-negotiable for me to sea swim and make time with this community.”
Women in particular are given the messaging that busy is best and fun is frivolous, when actually it plays a crucial role in our physical, mental and emotional wellness. Fun reduces stress, improves mood, sparks creativity and connection, lowers blood pressure and improves concentration (yes, the fun lunch break makes you work harder.)
Yvonne McDonald, director of Córus, a community choir in Dublin, has seen a massive increase in the popularity of choirs. “We established Córus for ordinary people with ordinary voices, who come together and make an extraordinary sound.
"Singing was something only people with great voices could do. So we created non-competitive singing classes to develop community singing across Dublin. It’s taken off because the benefits are enormous.”
The benefits are backed up by recent research from the University of Limerick. “It releases the happy hormones endorphins, and they found that active breathing in time with other people creates a bonding phenomenon,” says McDonald. “Learning multiple pieces of music uses both sides of the brain, but most people say they come for the camaraderie and feeling of joy.”
Those endorphins are released in many ways. Ann Shanahan (52), from Foynes, Co Limerick, can’t believe she’s just signed up for the national Hyrox event in the RDS this November.
“I was never sporty, so the fact I am finding so much fun in fitness is a shock,” she says.
Shanahan worked and raised three kids for many years, often overwhelmed by the roles and responsibilities, especially as her husband worked away most of the time.
“Those were hard days when I felt I was on a continuous hamster wheel. One day, I joined a local fitness class and was amazed how good it made me feel. Now, the twice-weekly classes at my local gym are much more than just exercise time. There is such camaraderie and connection between us women – we have become a team.”
Not only building up my strength, but a sisterhood of other women too
Following an evening of sangria, they signed up for the Hyrox event. Hearing increasingly about the importance of women building their strength as they get older has just added to the sense of doing something good for herself.
“I love the fact this is something I’m doing in my 50s. Not only building up my strength, but a sisterhood of other women too. The feeling of achievement has bled confidence into all aspects of my life. I don’t do this under the label of wife, daughter or mother, but as me.”
So how can you put more “life” back into your midlife? Firstly, you have to sign your own permission slip. Everything and everyone will claim your time, unless and until you claim your time first.
Secondly, redefine what fun looks and feels like for you at this age and stage. No one could have told my younger self I’d find lifting weights a “fun” part of my week at 55. Clubbing with your gal pals until 4am might have been fun in your 20s, but is much less enjoyable in your 40s and 50s when you have a serious career and care roles. Create a menu of experiences you really enjoy, so you have a go-to list to work from.
Finally, be proactive. You might think you have no time, but when you set aside time, reshuffle, stake a claim, change up routines, it’s amazing how the world doesn’t fall apart.
As Howard admits, “I was one-dimensional, even though I loved my work and family. Now I want a fully dimensional life.”
Whether it’s laughing with friends, plunging into the sea, singing your heart out or pushing your fitness, fun is a fundamental reminder you are a human being, not just a human doing.
Alana Kirk is The Midlife Coach and author of ‘Midlife, Redefined: Better, Bolder. Brighter’. See themidlifecoach.org. You can sign up for Córus at corus.ie