Are you bound up in boundary fear?
It’s a woman thing
Boundaries are one of the most important tools for any human to protect themselves from, and within, the mayhem of life, love, and relationships.
But I’ve noticed (in my own life, and as a balanced life coach for women in midlife) that most women find it really challenging to put them in place, and then hold them.
And it’s not because boundaries are bullshit. Or hard. Or another one of those “wellness wonders” that will help you lose weight, get sexy and attract only people who know how to stack a dishwasher into your life if only you manifest properly while chanting Om on one leg.
It’s because women view boundaries as walls instead of the gates that they are. And walls feels like cutting off the love and kindness we value so much about ourselves, so we’re afraid to enforce them.
Boundaries are boundaries are boundaries. They are a simple blueprint for things / relationships / projects / households running smoothly. That’s it. They are neutral. But women can generally see them as having a negative impact on them, while men generally see them as a positive.
Same boundary. Different perspective. Why?
Men were generally raised to want and take and do.
Women were raised to give, and please and support.
We hear all the time that men are great at compartmentalising, but really they simply boundary their time without too much emotion: for them its mathematical, logistical, rational.
For women, our time isn’t something to be divided equally and logistically; for us it is emotional.
Men’s time is wrapped up in its value.
Women’s time is wrapped up in our value.
Men tend not to carry the same guilt we do, as if guilt is part of our DNA rather than a deeply rooted thread woven into our sense of self as we grew up. Still very much a patriarchal system built around the idea of men doing, providing and striving while women supported them, we were encouraged to nurture, while they were encouraged to live by their nature.
My brother and I were raised pretty equally in terms of chores and educational opportunities. But when he went out on a Saturday night, he was told to “have fun.”
When I went out on a Saturday night, I was told to “be good.”
It’s just internalised training that boundaries somehow make us unpleaseable (and women were very much raised to be pleasing) … and so when it comes to boundaries - that neutral gateway to smooth relationships - it’s our guilt that is the problem, not the boundary itself. You know what you want. You know what you need. But asking for it feels dangerous.
When women try to rationalise our time, we have been trained to feel bad when we start a sentence with the words “I want” or “I need”
But there are two types of guilt - the kind where you've done something wrong and need to apologise. And the kind women carry like a satchel of shame because we were trained to believe women "should" feel and be and do things a certain way.
So if the word boundary creates any sort of friction or pressure in your system, it’s because you a) think it’s a wall, and b) feel guilty for not being accommodating.
So maybe you need to redefine what a boundary is:
It can be a gateway,
It can be a best-case scenario
It can be a blueprint for things running smoothly.
If you see it through that lens, it makes it a much more rational choice.
A boundary is not the same as a threat (which in itself then triggers our people pleasing tendencies.). I certainly have a tendency to throw a threat out instead of a boundary when I’m tired, overwhelmed or frustrated.
“If you don’t step up more in this house you’ll have to move out!” My 20 year old looks up from her phone, says’s “sure” and carries on. She knows it’s a threat and one I’m never going to enforce.
I threaten my puppy every third day with a return to the dog rescue…. And she just picks up my Ugg moccasin and carries it off to a corner where she thinks I can’t see her.
So rather than a threat, a boundary is simply an articulation of your need, limit or expectation.
No drama, no conflict, no GUILT!
Alongside that articulation comes an outcome if the need, limit or expectation isn’t met. No drama, no conflict, no guilt.
What can this look like?
As a need
“I need you to do your own washing from now on, now you’re at college. It’s good training for when you do get to live away from home! So I’m no longer doing it, and then there’s more time for us to have good chats when I’m not annoyed.”
Stated need, stated outcome. Simply DON”T do the washing! The consequence is on them, not you.
As an expectation
“I want to discuss this with you, but I want to keep it civil and constructive. If it gets angry or I’m sworn at, I’ll leave and we’ll come back to it another time when you’re calm.”
Stated expectation, stated outcome. Leaving quietly with no drama is your guided response.
As a limit
“I’m really happy to mind my grandchildren two mornings a week. I know it’s so tough with you and childcare so this is what I can offer. I’ve only just retired and I want to enjoy some new things so I’ve booked some activities on the other mornings and won’t be free. I’m happy to do these hours and I’ll make you a couple of dinners, and at least that takes the edge off other childcare costs.”
Stated limit, stated reason.
And I can already feel all the anxiety and guilt in your chests reading those! But that guilt is only because we were raised to be pleasers and nurturers.
So how can you look at them differently?
My client last week wanted to get some boundaries in place to manage her husband’s care needs now that he has had a serious accident.
Every time I asked her what boundaries she wanted to put in place, she physically flinched. I could see the conflict on her face. So I asked her what was happening.
“I don’t want him to feel like a burden. I don’t know how to manage his expectations but I’m terrified of what this is going to take out of me. I feel I should do everything for him but I just can’t!”
The word ‘boundary’ to her meant barrier. It meant a holding back of her love and care that would hurt him (because she was conditioned to sacrifice herself). But her need to protect her physical, emotional and mental bandwidths was the only way she could adapt to this care longer term.
She understood that in principle but couldn’t put in into practise.
As a writer and a coach, I am obsessed with words.
Words can be wonderful: they inspire, encourage, motivate, amuse and drive. Words can also be weapons of self-destruction: they can hold us back, demotivate us, shame and guilt-trip us.
The words we use towards ourselves, the beliefs we use in our heads as facts, the meaning we assign to a word affects how we think and act. My job is to always listen to what is being said and what thoughts and actions those words are creating.
So my client’s inability for create some simple boundaries to protect herself so she can be the best carer she can be without sacrificing her own physical and mental health, was because to her - for all the reasons I’ve mentioned above - boundaries are barriers. No amount of me rationalising the importance of them to her will undo the layers of deeply absorbed guilt she was feeling.
So, I simply changed the word.
“What would the best case scenario look like for you in terms of your capacity to care and what outside supports are needed?”
She said she needed to leave the house to work a couple of hours each morning, needed an hour a day to exercise and she needed help with his physical care in the morning.
Those are her boundaries but now she’s seeing them as the best-case scenario to give her husband the best care, and her the right balance of support.
Nothing had changed except the word, and her ability to see the neutral boundary as something positive instead of negative.
You need boundaries. You need them with your partner, your kids, your parents, your boss, your colleagues. So if the word boundary frightens you because of guilt (which is not yours to carry) think of another word.
With teenagers or young adult children it could be “plans to empower them”
With partners it could be “energy management of house work”
With work colleagues it could be “I’m not able to take anything else on at the moment”
And sometimes you need boundaries with yourself.
I’ve just had to put a really scary and emotionally-charged boundary in place in my own life because of where I am right now. With the additional care of my dad in his last weeks, I have been beyond stressed trying to promote my group programme The Balanced Life Blueprint. Oh the irony!! And so I have had to ask myself what is my limit? I have decided to cancel this programme because I don’t have the capacity to manage the run up and the execution alongside everything else, given how unpredictable the next few weeks might be. I’ve explained to those who have signed up and given them a 1:1 option. I’ll be running it as a self-study course shortly so I can better manage my time.
The moment I checked in and asked myself what was my own boundary, the decision was easy. I’m going to focus on 1:1 coaching where I can manage the time around his needs, and my company talks.
Boundaries aren’t barriers. They are suits of armour that still allow you to embrace and love and care, but also, crucially to protect yourself.
And the guilt or fear you feel is only damaging messaging that does not serve you. So please, boundary up, and start living the better, bolder, brighter life you deserve.
As always I’d love your thoughts and feelings on any of the above.
For paid subscribers, just email me for a lovely little exercise on setting boundaries - alana@alanakirk.com
For all 1:1 options, please check out www.alanakirk.com