Finding your midlife voice

How do you sound?

How has your voice felt this year?  Strong? Redefined? Scared? Distant? 

As I reflect on this year, it has been a bit like midlife - hormonally haphazard, a smorgasbord of emotions and experiences, full of high, lows and lots of walking on the straight.  But amid all the magic and mayhem, I noticed how steady my voice became. 

There were certainly many points throughout the year where I was reminded how little I know. My thoughts reduced to the old nagging voice of untrustworthy and distrust of myself; seemingly as part of being a female as having breasts. At times our voices feel inadequate, or untrue, or too small, (or too loud!), don’t they? When what we really know, it is that often it is the circumstances that are wrong, not our voice.  

What an extraordinary time to be a woman, to be heard and seen in ways never before possible. Yet the conditioning and wrong rules still linger like a bad smell; the societal diktats on how we should be and how we should look. The things that we complain about - overwhelm, the emotional and physical burden of being the carer and picker upper of other people’s clothes, the unfair juggle of raising a family and trying to have a career for ourselves, are somehow “women’s problems” and therefore not quite as important. But … the voices that have been raised about sexist behaviour in the workplaces, voices raised about women’s health from missed diagnosis to menopause, voices raised about making space at the tables in academia, politics, science, arts, etc.  These voices are getting louder and more mainstream.

And there have been many times this year - more in fact that the negative ones, for possibly the first time - when my voice has never felt surer. When I was so completely in tune with myself that my voice was exactly as it should be, fitting me perfectly.  Like Goldilocks, it didn’t feel too loud or too soft, it felt just right.  I finally fit my own skin, not trying to contort myself into the off-the-rack skin women are so often told to wear.  When I realised that all the things I have done, experienced and overcome in my life - the wonderful, the inspiring, the challenging, the choices, the changes, the traumatic, the painful, the joyful, the shocking, the surprising, the learning and the loving - have all brought me to where I am today, feeling incredibly privileged to be doing this work, helping women navigate their lives, through coaching, writing and speaking, my voice finally found it’s home in me.

My voice has faltered many times in my life, but now it feels the steadiest it has ever been. A magical, midlife gift.

In January my voice probably seemed shaky as I was interviewed by Tommy Tiernan on his TV show, but that was caused by my nerves of the TV cameras (and his intensely curious eyes), not the content of my words. So many times this year, be that speaking on TV and radio about the opportunities and challenges women in midlife face, speaking in front of rooms full of people at events, speaking through my laptop zoom in my own webinars, speaking to corporate audiences as a motivational speaker, or even though my written words in my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter, this newsletter Your Midlife Matters and though media articles - I have had no hesitancy. 

At 53, my voice, and in particular my female voice, has found its tone. A tone that no longer needs to shout to be heard, or whisper in fear of being heard; a tone that knows its value.

Voice has been a big feature of my coaching this year.  For many of my clients, it has been the process of finding their inner voice that has helped them transform their lives.  Helped them shatter long-held beliefs about themselves, their potential and their value that have been holding them back from making the right decision, or taking the next step or asking for the right desire or pursuing the right passion.  

They may have a come to me because they are overwhelmed with the expectations that they’re meant to be “having it all!” (said with jazz hands and exclamation marks!!!!) when it really just feels like they’re doing it all (said through resentful, gritted, exhausted teeth). They realise that the voice that keeps telling them they “should”, the voice that bullies them into believing they have to be all things to all people before they can even think about being something to themselves, the voice that constantly criticises them for not looking thin and fit enough, young enough, grateful enough, smiley enough, perfect enough is not their voice at all. And when they start to understand that they can separate those external voices from who they actually are, and listen for their own voice, connect to their own values and interpretations and desires, they can start to live life more on their terms; not hostage to the external demands and expectations, but driven by their internal needs and desires. They realise they don’t necessarily have to blow up their lives, but instead make small, significant changes - a boundary here, a conversation there, a change of priority on this, a direction of energy on that - that transforms them, and gives voice to who they really are and want to be.

As I say in my book, Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter, after spending the earlier part of our lives asking what we want our lives to look like, at midlife, we get to ask a better question: what do we want our lives to feel like? That’s when our voice begins to sing.

My clients may also have come to me because they’ve hit a crossroads, and having ridden on the wave of one form of life (big job, raising kids, for example), now find themselves in a new phase (divorced, kids leaving home for example) and need to regroup, reset, and re-engage with themselves and their circumstances. Their voice plays such a vital part of them discovering who they are separate to the roles they may have played as parent, partner, daughter, boss, colleague, and using their new-found, or rediscovered voice to live a valiant, vibrant life. 

Or they have come to me because they want to make change, they are ready for some form of change, and they need to space and structure to work it all out. And as I help them identify their strengths, connect to their values, redefine what success in so many areas looks and feels like for them now, at this age and stage of life, help them flesh out their future, colour markers in hand as they start to draw out their midlife map, it is their voice that whispers encouragement, screams in defiance, cheers in celebration of owning their shit and taking their life by the love handles and making themselves matter more. 

So I want to say thank you. Thanks to everyone who listened, who read, who shared a stage with me, who trusted me with their voices, who motivated me, supported me, learned and laughed (and sometimes cried) with me.  

Thanks to my subscribers of this newsletter, now 6 months old, for letting me into your busy, busy lives.

Thanks for everyone who bought my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter .. nearly 1000 copies sold to date. I got so many wonderful messages of feedback -  my favourite being a video of someone opening a box delivered form Amazon filled with 6 copies she had bought for her friends having read it. I cannot tell you how much it means… writing a book, putting out my voice so publicly is a terrifying and lonely experience, so thank you for the voices who also made it adventurous and full of camaraderie. 

Thank you to everyone who booked a Discovery Coaching Session because somewhere my voice had reached them, and they wanted the safe, neutral space to start to figure out their own.

Thank you to everyone who bought a Discovery Coaching Session for a pal, or mother! I was so touched and thrilled this became a thing. 

So many of you then carried on to further work together…  so thank you to everyone who trusted me with coaching, to really spend time with you in your busy lives. I never take that trust for granted, and thank you for all the wonderful feedback but I also come away from every client enriched and improved. 

Thank you to all the amazing companies and business networks that trusted me to speak to their staff, to allow me in to help set the context for women in the workplace, to give practical tools to keep connected to self and voice amid the mayhem. I also spoke about women and money mindset and the power of your business story.

Thank you to my collaborators in events, and my support networks who helped me build my business and stay sane amid the insanity of running one-women shows!  

My ambition for 2024 is to build on the vitality, vibrancy and vitality of voice… for myself, my The Midlife Coach business and for my clients and readers. 

There will be another book in September - Midlife Sensuality, Sex & Relationships. Redefined.

For my paid Your Midlife Matters Substack subscribers there will be an exciting Midlife, redefined Journal series, and lots more Midlife Musings interviews and posts on how to navigate the messy mayhem of midlife. 

There will be more webinars and free challenges (last chance to sign up for my free 5 day Happier Habits Adventure 2024 starting on the 1st January!)

There will be lost more talks and speaking engagements. I’m already lined up to speak in events and for companies in Kerry, Cork and Dublin and am especially excited to have talks ready for International Women’s Day in March.

There will be more collaborations that will take me around Ireland and to London. 

There will be lots more of my Instagram prompts, coaching, and workshop opportunities. 

Thank you to everyone for being here. For being part of my world. 

Thanks for hearing me. Thanks for voicing your thoughts.  And here’s to 2024 being the year our voices sing to the sound of our own tunes.

Happy New Year!