Love hurts… when you give too much
Ditching the over-responsibility for everyone’s happiness
What if you kept some of your love back?
What if you wrapped your love in boundaries instead of bows like a gift they don’t return?
What if you gave what you can, and had enough left over for yourself?
We Gen x-ers and Y-ers were the generations of women raised to be the good girl nurturers. Be caring and kind to a fault, be selfless and always soldier on. Be appeasing and pleasing and keep the world spinning.
How’s that working out for us?
The stats show what I see in my work. Highest risk of suicide in women is aged 45-49, followed by 55-59.
Women are experiencing significantly higher rates of burnout than men, with studies showing they are over 30% more likely to report burnout symptoms, often driven by the double burden of professional and domestic pressures.
Highest numbers of divorce sought? By women in their 50’s.
Age when most women leave workplaces? Yep…. 50’s.
And….. here’s what’s happening.
Fastest growing travel trend? Solo travel for women, 45+
Largest group of people setting up businesses? Women 50+.
Women in their 50s and 60s are considered one of the highest-spending and most influential consumer groups in the world.
It feels like a quiet revolution is happening.
Women aren’t self-sacrificing by nature. That is only how you were nurtured. Of course women have a natural ability to love and care. As a species, it’s in our nature to care for our family and community and receive care in return.
But we have actually been trained and raised to love waaaaaaaay beyond our means. To equate love with endless giving. To see care as so limitless it leaves nothing in reserve for ourselves.
One of the forces forcing women to give far more of themselves than is a) humanly possible, b) appropriate and c) fucking fair is the over-responsibility for everyone’s happiness. Your mother. Your father. You partner. Your ex-partner. Your boss. Your kids. Your neighbour. Your Pilates teacher. The butcher.
You might be a fierce and feisty independent woman, you might be a quiet deep thinking peacemaker with a strong soul, you might be a messy muddle of contradictions, but no matter how strong or ambitious you are, it is likely that you were raised on a diet of guilt and Good Girl expectations, and a part of you can’t fight the feeling that you are responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
Your partners mood? Your responsibility. I’ve had so many clients tell me stories of how they walk on eggshells or keep the kids quiet in case they set off their partner. Let me repeat that in case you’re so accustomed to that concept that your brain isn’t screaming how ridiculous that is. One client - a ballsy, ambitious, dynamic woman who runs her own business - would spend an inordinate amount of her time and energy insuring HER HUSBAND’S CHILDREN WERE QUIET SO HE WAS NOT UPSET BY THE BEHAVIOUR OF HIS OWN CHILDREN!
Your kid’s moods? Your responsibility. It is you playing that Whack’a’mole game firefighting constantly trying to make sure they never endure a bad emotion or experience. Be late for work because you drive them to school to stop them getting wet in the rain? (I’m putting my hand up here).
This takes up so much energy doesn’t it? All that energy keeping others happy, taking responsibility for fixing things they need to take responsibility for themselves.
And we’re hurting them as well as us. Love hurts when it’s too much. For you and them.
One summer, when my eldest was about 14, she was supposed to go to a Spanish camp for a week. I dropped her and her pals the first day, but was working and told her she needed to get the bus the rest of the week. Day 2 she didn’t go and I was fuming. Day 3 she was under no illusions I would be taking no excuses. So, they managed to get on the bus on time and off they set. But 20 minutes into the journey, Daisy realised that while they had caught the right bus, they had been standing on the wrong side of the road. They were now going the wrong way. Drama ensued but they quickly clambered off the bus, and stood scared and silly in the middle of Phoenix Park. She knew I was in a meeting but she also knew where she was. It just so happened I had taken her to an Ed Sheeran concert the month before and we had walked to the venue in Phoenix Park from two miles away. So she navigated everyone through the park, and back towards home. She never learned any Spanish that summer but she was so proud of herself that day, she developed an incredible confidence in getting around after that. She navigates Dublin, Ireland and her international travels with an ease she would never have developed if she’d called me to collect her that day.
Our children have to make mistakes and learn what they’re made of.
Partners have to figure out their own shit. (And for those of you who still pack your husband’s suitcase for holidays.. I am talking to you too! If they forget to pack pants, they’ll learn!).
Every time we take our child’s pain away or prevent it happening, we deny them the resilience and skills they need
Every time we “mankeep” by being all things including wife, therapist, appointment maker, suitcase packer, dietician, doctor, and panderer of moods, we deny them key skills they need to learn.
I’m not talking about not being loving and kind. I’m not suggesting you stop leaning in to your emotional responsibility to the ones you love.
I’m talking about the over-responsibility.
The word responsibility means response-able. Able to respond.
Able to respond to the ones you love and care about while also being able to take responsibility for your own emotional wellbeing. That is what real nurturing looks like.. not the version we were sold.
Every time you step over the line of being response-able you do two things:
Deny yourself the space and energy to respond to your own emotional wellbeing.
Deny your loved ones the space to take responsibility for their own.
I have a recent client who I know will read this. (Hello H!) She made a huge leap recently and I’m so proud of her. Her partner has had a really rough few years. They both have. And every so often he gets to a point where he can’t cope. One way he deals with this is to push her away and go off on his own. In the past this would be her cue to try and fix him and make him better. He’s not a bad man, by the way. He’s hurting. And her nurturing to be over-responsible has nudged her towards always sacrificing herself to fix others. But she’s been working with me to strengthen her own investment in herself and recently, when he did it again, she simply let him.
She was able to respond to her own needs while giving him the space to learn to be able for responding to his. She didn’t chase, she didn’t cajole and she didn’t try to fix. She let him retreat, she gave him space to figure out his pain while she got on with her life. When he was ready to face it all again, she was there.
But she hadn’t held her breath in the meantime. She hadn’t put her life on hold until his life was better. And they both benefited.
We cannot hold our breaths while those around us figure out how to be happy.
We cannot put our lives on hold while we make sure those around us live theirs.
So please ask yourself: Where am I being over-responsible for someone else’s happiness and where am I being under-response-able for my own emotional wellbeing?
I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments!
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