Midlife Isn't When We Disappear

It's when we stop abandoning ourselves.

Jun 23, 2026

Apparently women in midlife are disappearing. Which is odd. Because I spend a lot of time with midlife women and honestly, I’ve never seen us more visible.

I’m on holiday right now with some fabulous pals ranging in age from 50 to 63.

I am friends with midlife women.

I work with them.

I read them.

I listen to them.

I am one.

And we are, with no exception, fucking fabulous.

So I’m a little tired of the dull, old story that we are “disappearing”.

Being “ignored.”

Invisible.

I don’t think it’s true.

Never have women in midlife been so visible, so celebrated, so - and I’ll say it again - fucking fabulous.

Gillian Anderson giving no fucks. Georga Meloni currently kicking Trump’s ass.

The Angela Merkel’s, Michelle Obamas, Alanis Morrisette’s. The leading ladies on big and small screen now in their 40’s and 50’s and 60’s instead of only the nubile 20’s and sexy 30’s. The singers still singing. The writers. The philanthropists (Melinda Gates, looking at you). The business owners, the advocates, the wellness voices, the survivors, the humanitarians (Francesca Albanese, we’re all admiring you).

They are unapologetically being visible, valiant and vibrant in their own ways.

Perhaps we’re not disappearing.

Perhaps we’re simply becoming less interested in performing?

Women of a certain age have become THE age.

The reality is changing, even though the narrative hasn’t. Yet.

That’s not to dismiss the fact that everyday woman can feel a shuddering slam on the external gaze. Perhaps we don’t get cat calls. Or advertising still tells us to anti-age. And yes, that can sting. We still live in a culture obsessed with youth. But perhaps there’s freedom in no longer organising our lives around somebody else’s gaze.

Perhaps it gives us a breathing space to really expand ourselves? When we stop having to perform for others, we get to please ourselves.

That external gaze? Often male orientated. Often mother orientated. Always motivated by “should” - how we should look, behave, serve.

So if “disappearing” means not being relevant to 20 year old men, or trying to catch the eye of a man to marry, or a child to run after, perhaps we can disappear with glee and transform in a magic midlife move to being relevant to ourselves?

Women often enjoy no longer having to perform to the level of external expectation but actually I see women in their 50’s and 60’s and 40’s and 70’s constantly redefining, rebuilding, re-becoming.

I recently hosted my (un)retreat Soul&Spice in Marrakech. I called it an (un)retreat exactly for this reason - for women who have no intention of retreating into the background, but striding defiantly forth into their own lives. And the disparate group of women who came with me where not desperate but - ranging from late 40’s to early 60’s - seeking to be seen more, feel more, do more, be more. To and for themselves! Not one woman came to Marrakech because she wanted to be twenty-five again. They came because they wanted more of themselves. More adventure. More honesty. More freedom. More life.

That does not mean we are all skipping barefoot and bare-breasted through fields of sunflowers, singing The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music.

We women in midlife are in the thick of it. We can feel up against tsunamis of shit to deal with. There are so many big life issues - caring for and losing parents, caring for and losing battles with teens, navigating relationships with adult children, divorce, health, menopause, marriages, how much bloody protein to eat.

On the first day of this holiday with my pals, we agreed a rule that no-one is allowed to apologise for ourselves while we’re here. Not for how we look, not for what wobbles and what wrinkles (or doesn’t). Not for what we want to do, or how we feel. We’re not apologising for bellies, belly laughs or barrels of wine. We’re not disappearing into ourselves - we’re removing ourselves from caring what others think.

And it feels so liberating.

Something that came up in my Marrakech retreat (next one open for places!), was the idea of taking up space. And not apologising for being here. Women are so quick to apologise - myself included. Not for the things we’ve done wrong. But for just being in the way, asking for a hand, not doing more. We say sorry for everything and the narrative has to change because the reality has changed.

We are here, we are valiantly vibrant (when we’re not totally exhausted). We have an amazing opportunity to trail blaze and rewrite the old stories.

That doesn’t mean false positivity. But it does mean truthful boundary setting because the shitty beliefs that it’s your job to manage everybody and everything aren’t true.

That doesn’t mean abandoning your roles and responsibilities. But it does mean not abandoning yourself within them.

That doesn’t mean being a selfish self-centred wagon. But it does mean not apologising for yourself anymore, centering your life instead around your own needs and desires.

Last night we were chatting about how great it was to be coming of age and young women in the 90’s. The music, the fashion, the sheer delight that being a woman didn’t mean repeating the story of our mothers.

The possibility that came with that, the role models that were developing, the possibilities being exposed. The 90s were not perfect - not by a long shot, but not one of us would go back and be 20 now in today’s world. We are redefining the ages. 40 is the new 40, 50 is the new 50, 60 is the new 60 and we’re not disappearing. And a lot of our 90’s compatriots are still showing up - like we are.

That might mean we might want to be quiet and not show up for other people for a while. That’s not the same as disappearing. That means showing up for yourself. Disappearing isn’t when you stop performing for everyone else. Disappearing is when you stop showing up for yourself.

Midlife isn’t the age we disappear. It’s the age we stop abandoning ourselves.

I don’t think women in midlife are disappearing. I think we’re finally becoming visible to ourselves.

Less apologetic.
Less performative.
Less interested in who we’re supposed to be. More interested in who we actually are.

So let’s not disappear.

Let’s not apologise.

Let’s take up space.

Let’s live well. In whatever way that looks for you.

I’d love to know where you are not disappearing!

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