Midlife Musings
My fortnightly interview with inspiring midlifers
This is the first of my fortnightly interviews with inspiring midlifers on topics ranging from beliefs, goals and habits, to food, mood and mojo; from sex, success and style, to fitness, health and hormones, from sleep, skin and hair to career, change and challenges and a bit of whatever else you fancy that affects us women at midlife. And I’m starting off with me! Just to warm the seat up and give you a better sense of who I am.
Who are you, and why you do what you do..
Alana Kirk is a coach, author and speaker. As The Midlife Coach she works with women in the messy middle of life, helping them navigate change and make good choices. Her latest book Midlife redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter is a self-guided book so that readers end up with their own bespoke midlife (wo)manual. Her next workshop is on the 20th June called Break up BUILD UP for those of you going through a separation or divorce. Details are here.
What’s the best bit of advice you wish you’d been given sooner?
“Meet your kids where they are, not where you need them to be.” This was told to me by my family therapist as I figured out how to single parent three teenage girls. (And yes, between peri-menopause and puberties, my home can be the Horror House of Hormones!). It has really helped me see behind the behaviour to what might be causing it, and then respond to my glorious girl, not react to the terrible teenager. It’s something I come back to time and time again, not just with them, but for all my relationships. I wish I’d learned it a long time ago!
What would you tell your 20 year old self?
There is no one tribe you have to find. You’ll build your tribe as you wade through life, collecting treasures along the way. Your tribe will be the collection of people you choose to hang on to as you go through various stages and ages. My midlife tribe is full of warrior women that represent not only the many stages of my life, but also the many aspects of me. I tell my teenage girls, keep the friendship groups wide and find your nuggets to keep close.
What must have happened, or for you to have experienced or achieved that hasn’t yet, that you’d look back at 99 and say “Yes!”.
Personally, to have a fun, passionate and life-enhancing relationship now thAt I’m divorced. It doesn’t have to last forever but the benefits from it should. Professionally, to write more books and run week long retreats in the sun for women looking for life-changing transformation (and a tan!).
Tell us one of the toughest things you’ve gone through and what you learned as a result.
Making my mum’s death as important as her life. Understanding that love is many things, including letting go. I learned I can do hard things, survive hard things and learn to thrive from hard things. I also learned that when all is gone, the love remains. I came through an extremely intense ‘sandwich years’ sandwiched between care of my mum after a catastrophic stroke and small children for 5 years. I leaned the hard way what happens when you forget about self-care amid caring for others. I’ve learned that contrary to the idea you must always give regardless of the cost to yourself, that I am a better mother, daughter, friend, lover, person when I give from a place of strength, from a place when my sense of my own identity is clear, not lost in the piles of laundry and external demands.
What is your “guilty” pleasure (but we’re not doing guilt because guilt is a wasted emotion and we all need to own our shit, so what is your secret sauce that always makes you feel better)?
There are so many, and I’ll always be grateful for learning that! They range from the downright silly to the life-saving: Chicken and mayo, a combo that never fails me. Reading my book in the sun. Calling a friend and ranting without needing her to fix anything. Jasmine tea and dark salted chocolate. Dancing in my kitchen. The sea. Tea, toast and a book in bed on a Sunday morning. Yoga and connecting to my breath. Succession. Rosé Prosecco. I’ll go for more dark chocolate because one mentions isn’t quite enough.
What are you tolerating in your life right now, or what are you working on that you’d like to improve?
I’m always trying to dance that dance between self-acceptance and self-improvement. One thing that learning about psychology and becoming a coach has taught me is that we are always a glorious work in progress. I’m currently really working on letting go of having to have all the answers.
What’s the hardest thing to balance in your life right now?
Everything! I’m tempted to say the juggle to find balance between my work and my kids / home life but actually when I really think about it, it’s the balance between the external demands (including work and my kids / home life) and my internal needs (rest, stimulation, joy, peace, growth). I’m so much better than I used to be (see answer above) because I realised the key was not finding the balance as if it’s a puzzle to solve and then it’s just always, magically there, but to constantly, actively, intentionally make the balance happen myself. Choosing me as a viable option among the roles and responsibilities I have is the key and that choice has to be constantly re-made (see below).
If you could wave a midlife magic wand, what you most wish for for women today?
That they choose themselves as a viable option among the roles and responsibilities they have. It’s not something many of us grew up being encouraged to do. It’s a huge part of my coaching, helping women not just see, but value and embrace and celebrate that option. We have an unprecedented extended midlife - an extra 20/30 years of life expectancy to be lived in midlife, not old age. It’s too easy to get caught up in the old paradigms of who we are supposed to be; we women are redefining midlife, and it starts with deciding how we want it to feel and who we want to be. It doesn’t take a magic wand, it takes actively choosing.
What matters most in your own midlife?
A feeling that no matter what’s happening, I have a sense of agency. I haven’t always felt that, and so it’s really important to me to hang on to. I don’t mean I give up all my responsibilities and go full Eat, Pray, Love (I’m keeping that for when my girls finish school!) But that even when it feels really hard, I recognise that’s usually that’s because it is hard and therefore ask what do I need or what can I do?
A midlife mantra you try to live by.
Be here while I’m here. I have all this extended time to do so much, but it’s still probably not enough. So stop living from a “When I, then” point of view (lose weight, earn more, find calorie-free wine, kids grow up, ) to a “it’s now or maybe never” point of view.
What would you like to share about the work you do and why it’s important for women in midlife?
I think we’re in the most extraordinary time to be a woman, but it’s also pretty hard. There are a lot of reasons for this. It’s very easy to become like those nesting dolls, roles and identities within roles and identities until they smother the tiny sold core of who we are. In all of my work - 1:1 coaching, group workshops and webinars, events and talks, or though my books and writing, I help women claim back that core so that it shines out through those other layers. Details of my coaching are here - www.themidlifecoach.org