Midlife Musings... Interview with Barbara Scully, broadcaster and writer.
"Roll with the punches and don’t try to control everything all the time. Because ultimately very little in life is meant to be taken that seriously."
“To me, looking beautiful comes from within. Women who are at peace with who they are, with how they look, are the most beautiful in my view.”
Every couple of weeks I post an interview with an inspiring midlifer on topics ranging from beliefs, goals and habits, to food, mood and mojo; from sex, success and style, to fitness, health and hormones, from sleep, skin and hair to career, change and challenges and a bit of whatever else you fancy that affects us women at midlife. This is Barbara Scully who is the living embodiment of a woman redefining midlife.
I first met Barbara when we were both interviewed by UCD Innovation Academy’s Dr Lollie Mancey on her podcast An Entrepreneur Like You where we discussed our books and how to trailblaze a new approach to ageing. She is a 61 year old writer and broadcaster from Dublin. Her first book, Wise Up was published last year and is a call to all women to look forward and to plan for their third act. She is an inspiration, and as you’ll read below, some woman for one woman.
Here’s Barbara'’s thoughts on post-menopause, putting two fingers up to the anti-ageing industry, and freedom to live life her way.
Hi Barbara, why do you do what you do?
I believe that our post menopausal years are quite possibly the most exciting, most fulfilling and most creative of a woman’s life.
I am a mother of three daughters, grandmother to two Irish Australian grandchildren and I live with four cats, a big dog and looks after a family of foxes who live in my garden. Oh and a husband.
What’s the best bit of advice you wish you’d been given sooner?
I am not sure there is advice I wish I had been given sooner. My mother was a wise and witty woman but rubbish at advice. But I wish I had believed or known sooner of the sage wisdom of Winnie The Pooh who said:
“Always Remember, You Are Braver Than You Believe, Stronger Than You Seem, And Wiser Than You Think"
But then again I don’t think we know this until life has tested us and we find out just how strong, brave and wise we are.
What would you tell your 20 year old self?
I would tell her that life won’t work out entirely as she has envisaged but that it will all work out just fine. I would tell her to roll with the punches and don’t try to control everything all the time. I would also remind her that she has a great sense of the ridiculous and a love of laughing that will sustain her through the darkest times. Because ultimately very little in life is meant to be taken that seriously.
What must have happened, or for you to have experienced or achieved that hasn’t yet, that you’d look back at 99 and say “Yes!”.
I have three daughters of whom I am hugely proud. I have two grandchildren who I adore. I am lucky and grateful. Like almost all parents I want them to be happy, to be themselves and to be loved. That is what I will look back on and say YES. Everything else is noise.
That said, if I could say that I made a difference in a positive way to even a handful of women’s lives through my book and my talks that would be great too.
Tell us one of the toughest things you’ve gone through and what you learned as a result.
Oh gosh! Finding myself pregnant and not in a relationship at 25 was tough. In 1987 Ireland wasn’t a warm place for ‘unmarried mothers’. I spent a lot of my daughters childhood listening to panel discussions (usually men) about the ‘scourge of unmarried mothers’ who were being encouraged to get pregnant in order to claim the ‘Unmarried Mothers Allowance’. There were also many, many discussions about how the children of these unmarried mothers were very likely to be delinquent because they had no fathers. And although in my head I knew that this was wrong, part of me accepted it as truth. By the time I realised my girl was just like every other girl of her age, I was very angry. That anger kind of burned into a very low opinion of men which wasn’t helpful. It took a long time to work through all of that and dump it.
Being a single parent, even with the support of my family, was lonely and hard. I have huge respect for anyone parenting alone. The judgement might be less, but it’s still hard.
What is your “guilty” pleasure (but we’re not doing guilt because guilt is a wasted emotion and we all need to own our shit, so what is your secret sauce that always makes you feel better)?
No guilty pleasures… all my pleasures are ones I am proud to own. I couldn’t live without the following, in no particular order; bubble baths, gin, good coffee, regular trips to West Cork, books and my cats. I also love my dog and the older I get the more nature and animals sustain me. I dream of moving to the country and have enough room to have some rescue animals – from donkeys and cows to cats and dogs.
What are you tolerating in your life right now, or what are you working on that you’d like to improve?
I know that this might be hard to credit for anyone who knows me, but I constantly battle my lack of confidence. I don’t give myself enough credit for my work, my achievements. I know I have been lucky but sometimes I think it’s just that and don’t recognise the hard work I have put in. I wish I could be more confident about my abilities and what I have to offer.
What’s the hardest thing to balance in your life right now?
At 61 I have done the hard yards of balancing kids and work and all that. In fact, it got so bad that as I turned 40 with a baby, a toddler and a teenager I ‘retired’ from the world of paid work to be at home running the show while himself went out and worked all the hours there were.
So having been there, I don’t struggle with balancing anymore. I am my own boss. My kids are independent – I mean, two are still at home but they are functioning adults, thank God and so I can come and go as I please.
The biggest juggle is getting animals looked after when I am not around but usually one of the girls are… so that’s not really an issue either.
If you could wave a midlife magic wand, what you most wish for for women today?
Oh, now. Are you ready? I wish that women could stick two fingers up to the multi billion dollar industry that has been built around our insecurities about our ageing faces. I am seeing more and more women – YOUNGER THAN ME – who are starting to look very odd because they are chasing something that is impossible – anti ageing. The only time we anti age is when we are dead.
From very early in a girl’s life she will learn that how she looks is vital in a way that boys do not. This message about our appearance just gets louder and more hysterical as we age. I want older women to shout stop. Stop judging women on how we look – WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
To me, looking beautiful comes from within. Women who are at peace with who they are, with how they look, are the most beautiful in my view, such as Judy Dench, Emma Thompson, and Andy McDowell.
Covid delivered one great gift to older women – it gave some of us the space and time to grow out our coloured hair so that many more of us in our 50s and 60s are rocking SILVER hair.
True equality is about choice. About living your life how you want to live it. BUT I hate that so many women I talk to feel that they have to continue to colour their hair, have botox etc, because they have to. Many of these women are in the corporate world and feel that they will not be taken as seriously if they are seen to look their age. This is really depressing.
Anti ageing is the greatest fraud ever – it robs older women of their self esteem and their time and money at the very time they should be stepping into their power as matriarchs of not just their families but of their communities too.
What matters most in your own midlife?
I do! I am now free, having raised a family and worked away for decades. Time now to follow my dreams. This is MY TIME.
I love the freedom of this part of life… I am hoping that my third act is actually going to be my most creative and fun. I also want to rock some boats and trigger some changes along the way!
David Bowie said “ageing is the extraordinary process by which you become the person you should always have been.” I love that. I am becoming the person I always should have been.
What is a midlife mantra you try to live by?
It’s not a mantra exactly but a vision articulated by Gloria Steinem who is a feminist journalist, trail blazer and activist. She said that women are the one group that get more radical with age, whereas men become more conservative. She went on to say that “some day a grey haired army of women may quietly take over the earth.” I love that idea. And it’s a vision that I keep in my head all the time. I believe there is a huge latent power out there in older women. They just need someone to tell them to step into their power. And once they do…. Well, then real change might just follow.
What would you like to share about the work you do and why it’s important for women in midlife?
I am on my fifth career if you count the decade I spent at home with my kids and running the domestic side of our lives. I reinvented myself back into work as I turned 50. I wrote a book during Covid which was published last year. It’s called Wise Up and is all about power, wisdom and the older woman. It’s a mixture of memoir and opinion and is a light and entertaining read. It’s available from my website www.barbarascully.com. It’s also on Amazon as a book and download.
I deliver talks called What If The Best Is Yet To Come to both corporate and private groups (libraries, Hens Sheds and other women’s groups).
And currently I am working on a one woman show which be a cross between a Ted Talk and a Comedy Set…. I have also just finished the first draft of my first novel.
Barbara is on Instagram @barbara111
Twitter @barbarascully
And can be contacted via email barbara@sherwood.ie
Details of Barbara’s book Wise Up can be found here
Details of my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter can be found here!
For more details on redefining your midlife, please visit my website www.themidlifecoach.org