Midlife Musings... Interview with Kathy Donaghy, award-winning journalist and author.
"For many years I ran from my own company. Now I seek it out. That time by myself makes me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter and colleague I hope."
“I tried sometimes to shapeshift so I could be this person who was all things to all people. Now I say this is me as I am.”
Kathy called me out of the blue one day, chasing a story about midlife women and somehow I had entered her radar. What started out as an interview became an animated, energetic conversation about the highs and lows of life for women today, and the extraordinary pressures and the unprecedented chances to change how we live. There is so much synergy in our lives, from our struggles with miscarriages, to our reconnecting to ourselves in the Atlantic waters of Donegal. She represents so much of what I try to do as The Midlife Coach, trying to figure out how to best live this unique, extended midlife we have by responding to our internal needs and desires, amid the external pressure of demands and expectations thrust upon us.
Every few weeks I post an interview with an inspiring midlifer on topics ranging from beliefs, goals and habits, to food, mood and mojo; from sex, success and style, to fitness, health and hormones, from sleep, skin and hair to career, change and challenges and a bit of whatever else you fancy that affects us women at midlife.
This is Kathy Donaghy, award winning journalist, author and inspiring midlifer who has redefined many aspects of her midlife, some of which is captured in her beautiful memoir Finding My Wild, about her return to Donegal and her deep connection to the sea. She works as a freelance journalist for the Irish Independent and contributes to Lonely Planet and Sunday Miscellany. She also facilitates creative writing courses for the Irish Writers Centre in Dublin and the Verbal Arts Centre in Derry. She is passionate about getting involved in her local community, is an all year round sea swimmer and is happiest outdoors.
So here’s Kathy's thoughts on vinegery chips, self-abandonment and simple pleasures.
Hi Kathy, what’s the best bit of advice you wish you’d been given sooner?
Nobody gets everything they want in this life. I first entered the workplace when the myth abounded that women could have it all. I realised that nobody gets everything they want; it’s not how life works and it wouldn’t be in your best interests anyway. I have realised that the things you want can change and often it’s better to be careful what you wish for. We get some good things, some bad things and a fair few things in between. I would always tell my sons to go after their dreams, aim high and try to be the best they can be, but life is full of ups and downs and often it’s the downs where the greatest learning is.
What would you tell your 20 year old self?
There are so many things I would tell her. I’d say: stop worrying about how you look. In 30 years time you’re going to look at photos of yourself just now and wonder what were you complaining about? I’d tell her to be resolutely herself and not to be so doubtful or so worried about what other people think. You’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea.The people pleaser instinct is so strong in most women but I’d love to have lost it earlier than I did! I’d remind her that she’s doing OK, that she’s got this. I’d say your dreams will not lead you astray and someday you’ll be proud of the woman you’ll become.
What must have happened, or for you to have experienced or achieved that hasn’t yet, that you’d look back at 99 and say “Yes!”.
Reading has been a constant in my life since I could hold a book. I love fiction and when the first book I wrote was a memoir it took me by surprise. Those were the words that bubbled up but I’d love to reach the ripe old age of 99 and have a shelf full of my own novels that have gone out into the world and been adored by readers.
Tell us one of the toughest things you’ve gone through and what you learned as a result.
I’ve suffered recurrent miscarriage, losing babies one after the other which almost led to my undoing if I’m honest. A kind of craziness took me over when the only thing I could think of to heal my ravaged heart was to try to get pregnant again. I had my two boys before the miscarriages happened and I don’t honestly know how I would have coped had I not had the comfort of my children through this time. I learned that I control nothing, that mother nature had other plans and that sometimes people are carrying deep hurts they don’t show. I hope these experiences made me a more empathetic person. They blew open my heart and taught me that you can heal. They taught me to be vulnerable, to be brave and that in sharing the things that wound us most deeply we can shine a light into dark corners and be a lighthouse for others.
What is your “guilty” pleasure (but we’re not doing guilt because guilt is a wasted emotion and we all need to own our shit, so what is your secret sauce that always makes you feel better)?
I love getting into the car with my border collie Wyatt and driving over the hill road to Culdaff Beach playing music loud. Once we get there, the two of us run along the sand and back around the dunes, me throwing a stick for the dog. Watching him race in front of me makes me wildly happy. I love going for fish and chips on a Friday night with my kids and parking overlooking Kinnagoe Bay to watch the sun go down and eating vinegar soaked chips from the bags. I love standing at my kitchen counter spooning peanut butter from the jar while reading a fashion magazine.
What are you tolerating in your life right now, or what are you working on that you’d like to improve?
I’m not good at saying no. Often I say yes to things and nod my head when my inside voice is telling me to back up. I sometimes end up biting off more than I can chew and it all comes back to my boundaries being a bit loose especially when it comes to saying no. So I think I need to practice the power of no a bit more.
What’s the hardest thing to balance in your life right now?
I never feel like I get the balance right. On the weeks or months when I feel my work life is flowing, I feel guilty that I’m neglecting spending time with the kids or my husband. When I’m busy spinning the domestic plates, I long for some time when I can just sit down and write. Because I work as a freelance journalist, I can sometimes feel like I’ve too much work on or not enough. I’m trying to be easier on myself and just go with the flow and surrender to the chaos when it’s busy and enjoy the downtime when it’s quiet. It’s a work in progress!
If you could wave a midlife magic wand, what you most wish for for women today?
I spent many years covering the criminal courts. The way people hurt one another and in particular the way women in this country are hurt and killed has broken my heart. I’d love to see an end to domestic, sexual and gender-based violence.
What matters most in your own midlife?
The simple things. Realising that love is all that matters. Spending time with my husband and children, my parents, my sisters and their families and my friends. I also realise that time by myself in solitude is a gift. For many years I ran from my own company. Now I seek it out. That time by myself makes me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter and colleague I hope.
What is a midlife mantra you try to live by?
You are enough, my love. For large chunks of my life I never felt enough. I was too much for some, too little for others. I tried sometimes to shapeshift so I could be this person who was all things to all people. Now I say this is me as I am. I realise that I always have been enough, I just didn’t know it. I will never abandon myself again.
What would you like to share about the work you do and why it’s important for women in midlife?
I have told people’s stories for decades. In my work I’ve been privileged that people let me into their lives and shared some of the most intimate stories of their lives. They have trusted me with the best and worst things in life. I believe in the power of good journalism to affect change. I believe in the power of stories shared to impact on lives for the better. Many women have hidden their stories through shame and fear. I believe that midlife offers a unique opportunity to shed the skin of judgement and be fully ourselves. Our stories and the sharing of them can set us free.
Kathy can be found here
Her memoir Finding My Wild can be found here
Details of my own book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter can be found here!
For more details on redefining your midlife, please visit my website www.themidlifecoach.org