The Womansphere
Same Cage. Different Lock.
Last week I watched the Louis Theroux documentary on the manosphere.
It was shocking, but not really. I have eyes and ears, and the manosphere has been bleeding into our womansphere for a while now.
But I watched it as a woman who grew up in a manosphere of inequality. Now it feels like a manosphere of hatred.
And, of course, I watched it as a mother of three daughters.
I learned how to protect myself from the misogyny of inequality. I’m not sure how to protect them from the misogyny of hatred.
What struck me wasn’t just the anger coming from some of the men - it was the familiarity of it all.
What Louis Theroux did brilliantly, as he often does, was resist the easy label. He didn’t simply write these men off as “bad.” He stayed curious. He tried to understand where they were coming from.
And that matters. Because when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, feminism - at least as I wrongly understood it then - often felt like it meant “men are the problem.” I remember stomping my Doc-clad foot and declaring, “All men are bastards!”
It took maturity to separate the behaviour of some men from a blanket judgement of all men.
But what really stayed with me wasn’t just the men.
It was the women - and how desperate they seemed to be in that world.
The validation trap
Watching both sides of that manosphere world, what struck me most was how externally driven everything was.
For the men: money, status, dominance.
For the women: beauty, desirability, attention.
Very little seemed to come from a place of self-respect or self-awareness. It was all about being seen. Approved of. Validated.
And in a world of likes, followers, and FOMO, external validation has become the currency of happiness.
So what does this have to do with us midlife women?
I think we’ve just swapped one script for another.
What’s changed… and what hasn’t
When I think about entering the workforce in the 90s, there are things my daughters simply won’t have to deal with in the same way.
My first “kiss” was a 40-year-old man shoving his tongue down my throat in the fridge of the fruit and veg shop where I worked. I walked home and told no one - because I wasn’t convinced I wouldn’t somehow be blamed.
That was the era of Benny Hill and Jimmy Savile.
As I moved into adulthood, the advice was simple:
Don’t be alone in the lift. Don’t stay late. Don’t put yourself in that position.
There was no language for it. No support. Just quiet acceptance.
So yes, things have improved. My daughters have more opportunities, more role models, and more protection. Their voices are more likely to be heard.
We’re also finally talking about menopause—something my own mother struggled with profoundly, without understanding what was happening to her.
That matters.
And yet…
The water we’re swimming in
There’s a story by David Foster Wallace I often share.
Two young fish are swimming along when an older fish nods and says, “Morning, boys. Nice water.”
They swim on, then one turns to the other and says, “What’s water?”
That’s where I think many women are right now.
We’ve been told we’re living in a modern, equal world. And on paper, it looks that way.
We can work. We can earn. We can leave. We can choose.
But the system we’ve entered - the water we’re swimming in - was never redesigned to support us.
We were told we could have it all. What we got was doing it all.
Same cage. Different lock.
For generations, a woman’s value came from what she did for others: Be good. Be kind. Be selfless. Don’t rock the boat.
And the impact of that cage is what I wrote about last week - what I call the Triad of Turmoil - people-pleasing, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism.
That messaging didn’t disappear. It just evolved.
Now, alongside everything else, a woman’s value is also measured by how she looks. How young she appears. How desirable she remains.
So we didn’t escape the cage.
We just got handed a new version of it.
Same cage. Different lock.
When spheres collide
What we’re seeing now is a collision.
Men struggling in a rapidly changing world - often without the tools or support to navigate it.
Women still carrying the weight of expectation, over-responsibility, and now an added pressure to look good while doing it all.
And instead of both sides doing their own work, we’re watching blame being thrown back and forth.
But here’s the truth:
We cannot do men’s inner work for them. They have their work.
And we have ours. Because we already have enough to do - challenging the messaging we were raised with and redefining the womansphere on our own terms.
The philosophical shift
I’m studying philosophy at the moment, and at its core, it asks two simple questions:
What is true?
And what will you do with that truth?
One of the most powerful prompts I’ve been working with is this:
What would a wise woman do?
Because here’s what I see time and time again:
Women are not short on opinions. We have guilt. Fear. Resentment. Pressure.
Those voices are loud. But wisdom?
That voice is often drowned out. We were never encouraged to use it.
The work that actually changes things
The real shift doesn’t come from fighting harder or trying to be everything to everyone.
It comes from three simple, but not easy, skills from using those superpowers:
Know yourself
Not the version you were trained to be. Not the “good girl.”
But who you actually are underneath all of that. And who you are now.
Believe in yourself
Your wants. Your needs. Your voice.
Even when it feels uncomfortable.
Back yourself
Challenging the beliefs, setting boundaries, and acting in alignment with what you actually need.
I remember one Sunday being exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sit down and read my book in the sun. And yet there was a voice in my head saying, “You can’t sit down. That’s lazy.”
That’s not truth. That’s conditioning.
So I got curious - where did that come from? (my dad as it happens - he was a prolific do-er)
I got intentional - that belief doesn’t serve me now as a single parent who is utterly exhausted
And then I backed myself and sat the fuck down and read my book. (and role-modeled to my girls that working hard is great, but so is enjoying yourself.)
No guilt. No apology.
That’s our work.
Where this leaves us
The manosphere will keep shouting. The world will keep selling us new versions of the same expectations.
But if we can swim in water where we know ourselves, believe in ourselves, and back ourselves?
We stop asking for permission.
We stop waiting to be understood.
And we stop trying to unlock a cage we were never meant to live in.
Because in the end, the cage didn’t disappear. It just learned better marketing.
And the key? It was never out there in external validation
It was always in you. In me. In the womansphere made of our water.
As always, I’d love to hear from you…
And if you want to really dig deep into practical ways to manage some of the mayhem… how about a little Spring Clean of your life. I’m running a live session on 1st April to help you:
✨ Declutter the beliefs that keep you carrying too much
✨ Dust away habits that are draining your energy
✨ Refresh your sense of direction for the next chapterNo hoover required.
Just clearer thinking, lighter shoulders and a chance to start mattering more in your own midlife again.
You can register here for just €49 and my paid subscribers will get a 20% discount… just message me and I’ll send you the code.
https://www.alanakirk.com/spring-clean-your-life