When are you going to sign your own permission slip?
(Because no-one else will!)
It can feel hard to sign your own permission slip.
Damn, it can feel hard to even figure out what the permission slip is for!
It’s easy to fall into the trap of being busy with everything that needs to be done around you, and lose sight of what wants and needs to be done to keep you connected to yourself, exploring and thriving and actually having some fun.
I know….. as a single mum to three girls, an ailing dad, 3 cats and a new puppy (what was I thinking!!??), it’s relentless waiting to get to the end of everyone else’s needs before I put my foot down and take the time for mine.
But - and I may have to get T-shirts made for this because I say it so much in my coaching practise - everything and everyone else will drain your time, unless and until you claim your time first.
Not because the people in your life are bad or selfish, but simply because “it’s your job” to keep everything running smoothly for them, and they’ll always choose the path of least resistance. That’s called being human. Where women are often hit by the double whammy is, your teens, and your parents and your partner and your colleagues will all choose the path of least resistance (because they’re human and consumed in their own shit), and then YOU choose the path of least resistance which is to not put boundaries in place, do everything with a resentful sigh and not rock the boat.
How many of us have said “It’s just easier if I do it” rather than expend all the effort to get someone to get off their arse and do it themselves?
I would love it if my ex-husband and girls got together and said, “we’ve been thinking about how much you do for us all, and how much extra you facilitate our lives, and how much extra time and effort we ask of you above and beyond your daily contribution, and we’d love to make our week really challenging so you can have some space for yourself. We’ll take care of everything and we won’t grumble or whinge or imply that it’s not fair we have to make our own breakfast and put the washing machine on ourselves.”
Never. Going. To. Happen.
Path of least resistance and caught up in their own shit.
So, all of that is to say, no-one else is going to sign your permission slip. So stop waiting.
I’m currently writing this in the beautiful creative sanctuary of Tyrone Guthrie in Monaghan, a space for writers, artists and musicians where the landscape is stunning and peaceful and, most importantly for me, no-one is asking me what’s for the bloody dinner. Except me. I am asking, but someone else is answering. Bliss on a fucking stick.
My amazing girls are woman-ing the home front which is not easy right now….I’ve just had a text from a stressed child because the puppy has shit all over it’s paws and won’t leave her alone so she can get ready. I am definitely having some feelings.
I’ve had to ask my girls to really step up this week so I can be here. And there are many, many parts of me screaming in guilt and anguish and people pleasing posturing that it’s wrong of me to do that. That I have no right to make other people’s lives slightly more difficult so I can take some much need time to do something really important to me (writing my next book, but I’m not going to lie - also having a breather from all the care responsibilities).
So then there are the parts of me that are fiercely defiant. The ones that stayed quiet and people pleasing for a long time. The parts that really want this space and time to do the thing that makes my heart and mind sing, to be ME and no other, to write and swim in the cold, glorious lake, and listen to interesting people talk about their work. To walk in woods and have my mind so ablaze with thoughts and ideas and words that I feel I must be plugged in to a power source.
Because those parts know next week I’ll be back. Back among my gorgeous girls (another poo text - IN CAPS!!!), my beloved menagerie of animals and loving that life I have created, but also the domestic drudgery and the endless, relentless tasks and jobs and requests that are a part of that fabulous life and I will be able to manage it all better because of this week.
I can sign my permission slip because I stand very sure that I do more than enough. It’s not that they “owe” me per se, but fuck do they owe me!
Yes, my ex husband owes me a little inconvenience.
Yes, my daughters owe me some effort and time.
Because they have relentlessly inconvenienced me and I have (and will continue to) relentlessly give them so much effort and time.
In this family of five people, I cannot be the only one to give substantially. Being a mum / ex wife / daughter / partner / friend is not a one way relationship. And women can forget that. We forget it because of the path of least resistance and we forget it because the external (outdated) messaging tells us we should.
I say this to my clients all the time (another T-shirt for the “Let’s Live for Us Too” range) - you do not have to keep proving your love!
Take it as a given you are a warm, loving, kind, generous, thoughtful parent / partner / daughter etc. So STOP CONSTANTLY PROVING IT!
Receive occasionally.
Take occasionally.
Write your own permission slip because you don’t choose the path of least resistance occasionally.
I’m practising a little thought experiment at the moment that has been so incredibly useful. I realised that often, while sitting in the broad space called “parenting”, I would carry a lot of resentment and resistance.
Because I wasn’t separating the roles of me the mother from me the person. They seeped into each other like dye and so the “parenting” became all consuming. And I resisted the loving parenting part because of the resentful, wrecked part. That meant that often when I was there, being a parent, I was harbouring resentment or resistance because of a time when the parenting seeped into the person time.
So I’ve being clearer when I’m in one or other of the roles (same with caring for my dad) and practising a non-resistance when I’m in it. So when I’m making the dinner and hanging with the gals, I’m there as a parent, being really present and grateful and connected and curious and non-judgemental - while I’m in it. And then I have really clear boundaries when I’m not. I actually use these words - “I’m not available for parenting right now / tomorrow morning / for the next hour.” (Now, I was chatting to a young father last night who has a four year old and I’m not suggesting using those words with them!) I have a 14, 17 and 19 year old and it’s important fo them to realise I’m not just there, always available and itching to give someone a lift.
I am not raising children'; I am raising adults.
I am not a wife; I’m an ex-wife who does most of the child-rearing.
I am not just a facilitator of other’s lives; I am a manager of my own.
Everything we resist feels harder. So choose to embrace when you can but then get out of the grey swamp of leakage too. Let go of the resistance to the roles you love (but that need boundaries) and then get off the path of least resistance.
I could often resisted the parenting because I didn’t have boundaries when I wasn’t in parenting mode. Signing my own permission slip to focus on other areas of my life (they can obviously always press the Emergency Parenting Button) just means I’m happier in myself and a better parent when I’m with them.
There are poo dramas at home, and some stroppy-ness but that’s ok. But mostly they are all stepping off the path of least resistance this week, and it’ll be a good lesson for them all. They’re allowed the odd strop. Because they are also seeing what it means to give back.
So I’m in this space this week and it is glorious. I feel glorious.
Because this is a part of me too. This person who is writing, who is swimming and creating and reading and learning.
She is such an important part of me too and she deserves her time to thrive.
There are parts of you that deserve their space and place to thrive. So please, write your permissions slip and do not wait for someone else to sign it.
I’d love to know what you’d like to sign your permission slip for?
Let me know in the comments below. As always, for my paid subscribers, just email me and I’ll send you a little exercise to help with how to set these boundaries better. alana@alanakirk.com
And talking of permission slips…. don’t forget to sign up for my new workshop - The “What’s Next?” Session.
It’s a bold 90-minute workshop to help you get unstuck, regroup your energy, and get intentional about your next move - and where you need to sign your own permission slip.
You’ll walk away with clarity, direction, and one small, brave step to get moving again.
You can join me live and online at 7pm on Tuesday 27th May, or in person on Thursday 29th May in person, Rathgar, 6.30pm with some nibbles.
This is for you if
You’re facing a big life transition — divorce, empty nest, job change, menopause — and wondering “Now what?”
You’ve spent years being “the glue” and now you’ve got stuck yourself, wondering who you are without the constant juggling
You’ve lost your spark, and want more back for all you’re putting in
You’re at a crossroads and want clarity, not clichés — and a practical path forward
You’ve been living on autopilot and are ready to choose your life again — with curiosity, not just responsibility
You’re ready to stop drifting and start deciding
I’m really excited about this one and all the details are here. As always my paid subscribers get a 10% discount - just email me for the code (alana@alanakirk.com)
Instagram @alanakirkcoach