Why I turned down dinner with James Bond …

and other reasons why midlife is all about being shaken AND stirred.

We all do things we regret. But although I turned down dinner with James Bond, my only regret is that I wasn’t asked now, in midlife, rather than my 20’s. That invite was so wasted on the young. 

It was 1999 and Roger Moore asked me to dinner one night in Dublin. (Ok, ok, he was also with his parter, Kiki).  I was working for UNICEF Ireland at the time and Roger Moore was a global ambassador. On a visit to support one of our events, I was sent to collect him from the airport.  I was 28 and although had travelled the world and had confidence in lots of ways, I was chronically lacking in the belief that people of a certain age / status /role would take me seriously. As I delivered him and Kiki to the hotel, they asked me to join them for dinner. Dear reader, I declined him. 

Because although I was in that outwardly precocious stage of life where I thought I knew it all, and had my Successful Life Checklist colour-coded and half ticked, I was inwardly unsure and lacking in the confidence to say yes.

I turned down dinner with James Bond because, although we midlifers are ageing in an age of anti-ageing propaganda that relentlessly batters us around the head until we are dizzy and dejected, I’d much rather be asked now than then. My skin might be looser and my waistband tighter, but this is the most comfortable I’ve ever felt in that skin.

As a woman in midlife who coaches women in midlife, I am constantly listening out for my, and my client’s, mental limitations that have been handed to us by society, fashion fascists, culture, experiences, interpretations and throw-away comments from exhausted parents, bored teachers, disgruntled partners. Beliefs about who we can be and what we ‘should’ be like.  

So here’s a few things I’ve learned about midlife and why, despite relinquishing the chance to dine with Roger Moore, being shaken and stirred is a really good thing. The cocktail ain’t bad either.  

Shaken

I’m constantly shaken by how fast time is flying. Like it just does once you stop judging a good night out by the time you get home, after midnight. I know I’m going to die sooner than I was back then. So are you. That’s a fact. In this extended midlife, we have an extra couple of decades to play with - in the messy middle, not old age - but it’s still not enough. I’m 53, and although I’ve ditched the colour-coded spreadsheets, I still have A LOT to do. To see. To experience. To taste. To learn. To figure out. To sip as the sun sets on a tropical horizon. So do you.

In my 20’s I lived like there was no tomorrow. Now? I live like tomorrow might not come. That doesn’t mean I’m abandoning the endless laundry and meal production to go all Eat Pray Love (I’m keeping that for my 60’s when my kids are all living like there’s no tomorrow in their 20’s). While time speeds up, I try to slow down, leaving behind the youthful chasing of the next big thing, to try and catch the current thing, just as it is, even if my bum looks big in it.  Because I want to be here, while I’m here, and I no longer want to feel I’m not enough to do that. (So if James Bond would like to ask again, I’ll be saying yes).

Stirred 

Sometimes when I’m coaching I feel I’m sticking a big spoon into the pot of a woman’s life and stirring it to find the many magical ingredients that are there. Because while midlife might feel like a shit-show at times, we’ve garnered enough war wounds to fight back; to thrive not just survive it. I’m at the ripened young age of 53 and I know I’ve something to bring to that dinner table.  We all do!  I look at the women in my life, the women I coach and the women I see around me and we are trailblazing a redefined midlife. We’ve got guts, gusto and the gall to want more.

Another Shake 

There is always a shifting trajectory. It’s really easy to think we are stagnating; that the only thing that’s changing is the texture of our skin and the price of those terrorist anti-aging creams we are tormented into buying because even though we’ve been ageing since the day we were born, it only became a thing when we turned 50. Or 40. Or 35.  Constantly checking in with where we are now, shaking ourselves out of the lull of default mode, prevents us getting stuck in out-of-date paradigms. What is your marriage about now perhaps the kids have grown up? What pace of career do I want at this age, at this stage of my life?  This September for example, my life changes again as my youngest daughter starts secondary school. This means for the first time in 16 years I don’t have children in primary school. That little shift means I get an extra 10 hours a week to play with. Without being intentional, that could easily get absorbed in stuff that isn’t a priority for me, or positively impacts me (like more laundry, other people’s priorities). So I’m getting really clear what those 10 hours will be for and making sure they are used to do things that bring me joy (writing) or at least benefit me (pilates). Intention is everything.  We need to keep shaking ourselves to see what is changing and how are we preparing for it. 

Another Stir

We might feel we are so many things to so many people we can barely remember who we are to ourselves. But you are many many you’s.  I am many me’s. There are so many parts of you that need to express themselves and come out to play. We can default so easily to the role we play, never stirring the sleeping beauty / beast beneath. Stir. Please. Stir from the default and bring you to the table. 

Shaken again. 

Shaking ourselves out of our comfort zones means we never forget we are an evolution not a destination. In midlife we know we can do hard things, which makes doing scary things easier.  Here’s what I thought when I was younger: that I wasn’t a runner; someone like me couldn’t be a writer; I hated cold water. I thought yoga was for woo hoo people. Here’s what I know now as a marathon veteran, published author, cold water mermaid, yoga loving woo-hoo-er.  I know now that the beliefs we often hold or have held need to be constantly challenged and checked. Or they risk holding us back. We have to challenge beliefs we were given and beliefs we’ve created about ourselves. The ones I love dismantling most in my coaching is the letting go of crushing guilt that a woman can’t do something for herself because she ‘believes’ she ‘should’ be selfless; or that her age means she ‘can’t’ or ‘shouldn’t’.  We pull those walls down and build glorious goddesses from the rubble. 

The ripple effect of me challenging my belief I could never be “one of those people” who could swim in cold water has been profound.

Stirred again 

Life is a melting pot of success and failures, of achievements and disappointments, or fears and hopes. Only stirring up all that experience can fill your battery with wisdom, inner strength and resilience. I’m more confident because of all the mistakes I’ve made, and the messes I’ve survived. I see that confidence shine through my clients when they actually take stock of who they are and what they have come through and overcome. I know now I’m good at solving things which means a mistake is just another problem to solve. I know I can get back up which means getting knocked down or things not working out won’t be the end of me. I know I can ask for help which means I no longer have to believe it’s all on my shoulders.  I didn’t know those things before.  I thought a mistake was a failure. Now I know a mistake is part of the learning curve. When a women really looks and sees what she’s really made of, it stirs up her system and makes her a warrior. 

I don’t need James Bond to ask me to dinner to know I can say yes now to whatever I want. There is potential galore.

What would you say yes to now?