Are living a B grade life?
Yes! It's better than an A+ one!
You know that resentment you feel?
That’s a missing boundary,
See that voice in your head saying you are responsible for everyone’s happiness, but the voice in your heart knows it’s not true?
That’s a self-limiting belief (in this case, one derived from out-dated conditioning, not fact.)
Feeling constantly like your hair is on fire and you are wildly screaming in every direction except the one you want?
That’s lack of balance,
We’ve been taught to want an A+ life - ambition, aesthetics and amenability.
But the key to a life where you matter more is all about the B’s: Boundaries, Beliefs and Balance.
And yet for women it can feel really hard for all kinds of reasons, Good Girl conditioning and lack of equity for starters.
Boundaries
These are the holy grail of good relationships - be that romantic, partnerships, kids, parents, work. We often think of boundaries as walls, as points of conflict which is why women - often conditioned to be people pleasing and amenable - think they are difficult. But a boundary is simply a recognition of a way you want to be treated, a limit or a need, followed by a clear articulation.
Here’s how you might know you need one.
You feel resentful.
That’s half my life, says you! Boundaries can be about others, but also about how you approach something. One way to recognise where you might need to define your boundary is identifying where you feel repeated resentments. That’s usually someone (often unwittingly) stomping all over your limit.
Right now I’m practising putting boundaries in place with myself in terms of what I say yes to. Let’s take my teenagers as an easy example.
I’m actively trying to be intentional about how I feel when I say yes to another favour / request / demand. Can I say yes and then do it with grace? Or will I say yes and then seethe and be really resentful, maybe even give off and start my Martyr Mary tirade?
That differentiation is a boundary.
I want to say yes to everything because that means I’m a good mum, right? (We’ll get on to self-limiting beliefs below).
Well that’s only what I’ve been taught. That loving means giving of yourself, even if it’s to the detriment of you (and let’s face it, also your child’s empowerment and independence).
So I’m getting better at identifying where are the regular friction points (being asked to drive them to school which upsets the balance of my morning, for example). They are quite capable of getting the bus (and the walk, fresh air and independence of this is actually good for them). Yet the number of times I’ve sat in the car, seething with resentment, having a tirade about how selfish and lazy they are….. yet I had said yes! Because I couldn’t get clear on what my limit is versus what I think I’m supposed to do.
But because I now know this is a boundary (because of repeated resentments), I often pre-empt it by saying the night before: “I’m definitely not available in the morning so pretend I’m not here.” I state my boundary well in advance. It helps keeps everyone regulated. Then I can swoop in like a knight-ess in shining armour and offer them a lift on a Friday morning and they love me. Rather than endless requests and endless seething car rides or fights when I say no, I’ve said I’m not doing it except on Fridays. I’ve recognised and then articulated my boundary. Sometimes they don’t like it, and that’s ok. I tell myself they like it better than me screaming in frustration in the car.
So think about the patterns where you are regularly resentful and think about where a boundary might help….. either for you or for them. Once you articulate a boundary it’s up to them to respect it, not you to enforce it. Here how that works… and when I’m coaching I try and help her distinguish between conflict and a conversation:
You’ve said “if you swear at me again, I’m leaving the conversation”. Now all you have to do is leave the conversation every time they swear. You don’t fight. You don’t endure. You say “I made it clear I won’t talk if you swear at me, so this is over for now and we can pick it up another time.”
A boundary is not a wall; it’s freedom to get on with your life.
Beliefs
Oh these juicy babies are the best. If you believe you can, you might. If you believe you can’t, you won’t. But beliefs that prevent you from putting boundaries in place or creating balance don’t feel like beliefs. They feel like facts.
“A loving mother doesn’t put others out so she can go to yoga.”
“I’m too old to go back to work.”
“I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness.”
Our beliefs make or break us, yet often we mistake thoughts and feelings for facts.
One of my favourite jobs as a coach is challenging a belief that my client is saying without giving it any thought as an absolute fact - I’m too old, I can’t pursue what I want, I have to wait until the kids have left, I can’t, I should.
Women can have really conditioned self-limiting beliefs such as “being a good mum means I’m all things to all people all of the time.” This serves no one actually. Here’s a better one: “Part of being a loving mum means empowering everyone around me to take responsibility for this family, to create an equitable approach to parenting and home care, so that I continue to evolve as a person and enjoy my life and relationships! The less resentment I have, the more loving a mum I can be.”
One way to break a belief that stops you putting boundaries in place is to check its source. Where did it come from? A disgruntled husband, an overwhelmed parent back when you were younger, society or culture from years ago?
Then seek the proof. Is it really true you are too old? Is there any proof your children will never speak to you again if you don’t do everything for them?
Challenging your beliefs is not about false positivity. It’s about challenging the barriers to boundaries and balance and creating gateways.
Here’s a few that create opportunity rather than limit:
A loving mum role models love, strength and investment in self.
Age isn’t as important as experience, and I’m always willing to learn.
I can redefine this relationship based on reality, not out-dated ideals.
Seeking more equity in my home is not a conflict, it’s a conversation. (More on this one next week by the way.)
Balance
Balance is the holy grail we all seem to seek. But so much of our lives are spent chasing ideals we haven’t properly defined (or redefined).
We were told we could have it all but we just ended up doing it all. And amid all that mayhem, we’re told to get some balance. Balance isn’t doing it all, while yoga-ing your way through life.
Balance is understanding the context of your life, and making sure you matter in it, alongside whatever else is going on. Balance is not a candle-lit scented bath once a year. It’s an active dance to ensure that you are regularly rearranging your priorities (you being one of those) rather than sticking to a default rigid routine where “there is no time” for your health, your nourishment, your energy, your sense not self.
Defining balance depends on context, capacity and choice: what is the current stage of your life, what is your capacity and how do you manage it, and what choices are you actively making?
So my balancing act now as a 54 year old, with a 19 year old at college but living at home, and two teenagers at school, with a dad who isn’t well 200km away, who runs her own business and likes to drink wine and read books (and breathe) is different to when my dad wasn’t sick say, or my kids were a bit younger and couldn’t get themselves to school and now can, or when I needed to collect them. Or when I had a dog to walk every morning (he brought so much balance to my life I didn’t fully recognise until I lost him recently - so I need to reprioritise again).
Your life is in perpetual motion and so balance is a perpetual process.
These are the three issues that most affect our day to day lives so I’m running my next live session on them. Boundaries, Beliefs and Balance is at 7pm on the 28th November - there’ll be a recording but live is best as I’ll be there to answer questions and help anyone with specific boundaries, beliefs or balance. There’ll also be a Resource Guide so you can go away and work on your specific three B’s!
Boundaries - We'll be looking at:
Guilt v resentment
No v yes
Conflict v conversations
Beliefs - I’ll be covering:
Critic v champion
Self v situation
Limit v launch
Balance - You’ll learn about:
Challenge v capacity
Sanity v standards
Output v input
It’s only €55 and for my paid subscribers, if you email me at alana@alanakirk.com I’ll send you a 20% discount code. You can register here.
I absolutely love hearing from you, and I’d love to know how you feel about boundaries, beliefs or balance in your life, please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)
And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it!
Do you need an Empower Hour?? If you’d like to take a moment to check in on your life to see how you can manage things differently or stop ghosting yourself, you can book a one hour 1:1 Clarity Coaching Session with me where you get to think about you, how to manage this life you are living, and invest some time and thought on you. Radical idea that, is it? To invest some time and thought on you? Details are here.
Subscribers get a 10% discount - just email me at alana@alanakirk.com
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