Are you proactive or reactive?
Not every rustle is a snake.
In the week that’s in it with St Patrick’s Day celebrations let’s talk about your snakes
Apparently we are snake free in Ireland because of him, and yet, so many of us spend our days reacting to the proverbial rustles in the grass as if they are everywhere. Your brain is hyped to react to everything as potential danger - a rustle must therefore = a snake.
But the snakes have gone, and so have most of the imminent dangers. And yet…. you likely live in mile-a-minute mode, letting your brain react as if it is danger, you feel in a heightened state of urgency and frankly it can all be bloody exhausting. Am I right? It’s not that I’m psychic, it’s just I’m a woman.
You do too much. I know you do.
Because I do. Most women do.
Partly because we are generally, kind, decent, generous people with an extra dollop of oxytocin, the cuddle (nurturing) hormone. But we also come with a hefty side dish of conditioning, the outdated patriarchal posturing that socially trained us that a women’s main role in life is to not just give life, but also then give of her own life in the service and care of others.
There seems to be a societal, if not scientific, perception that coming equipped with a vagina means you automatically don’t mind doing everything for everyone.
This has conveniently served society until the the last couple of decades when women were suddenly allowed near the world of work, sport, academia and arts; worlds previously forbidden lest our hysterical tendencies broke the controls.
The greatest human advancement of the last century has been to start educating the other half of the population. We were suddenly told we could have it all, but ended up doing it all, and now the greatest threat women face is to their mental and emotional wellbeing: burnout, overwhelm, stress. No snakes necessary.
Those amazing opportunities haven’t replaced the previous societal norm of women minding the men and family while men worked; they have come alongside it. Sometimes the new order usurps the old order, but sometimes it overlaps.
You are likely juggling multiple care roles and responsibilities, while competing in the man-made work structure, all while also going through seismic physiological changes.
It’s a lot.
The snakes are gone and the rustle (email, teenage slight, partner not pulling their weight, unhoovered house, kids’ needs, work demands) does’t always require a heightened response.
Proactive v reative
So being proactive, rather than reactive means you aren’t always responsible for the first thought in your head - the one that tells you you’re too old, or too much, or not enough, or not worthy of being paid properly, or you ‘shouldn’t’ wear a bikini after 45 (yes there are actually magazine articles that say this). That’s because that first thought isn’t yours, but the pernicious whisperings of what I call the Triad of Turmoil: people pleasing, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome which are so deep rooted they roll off your thinking without a thought.
Tipping the scales in your favour means you proactively take responsibility for ignoring the first and looking for better, subsequent thoughts. You’ll hear the thought that you ‘should’ do it all for everyone and not create the space and time for something that fulfils and nourishes you, but you now understand it’s just the white noise of that dying despot: the previous societal norm of 2000 years, and then you retrieve your sense of self to develop the second thought that will serve you better.
The triad of turmoil is a slippery snake, always slithering around your busy brain, and sometimes one aspect will dominate more than the others.
You’re stepping up or out of your comfort zone? Imposter syndrome will run at you, all guns blazing.
You’re trying to juggle everything and desperately need to just get stuff done so you can do something for yourself? Perfectionism will get on your back and drive you into the ground.
Feel the indignant burn of resentment that you feel trapped into doing something that sets you off course from your own needs and you question yourself? People Pleasing will punish you with three scoops of guilt and a dollop of shame.
I used to think being overwhelmed was normal. That it was the right of passage for wanting a fulfilling career, a family and some sort of life. And it’s that ‘myth of normal’ as Gabor Maté talks about that is so damaging.
As a recovering perfectionist, I try really hard to find the balance between ‘standards’ and sanity. I’m proactively reducing my people pleasing. Especially as a single mum to three kids, I can really astonish myself - not in how much they ask of me, but how much I can’t say no because I’m afraid they won’t love me. (There’s a good few euro’s worth of therapy there to have written that last line).
Imposter syndrome shows up too, and of course always at the worst times, but I feel more able to shake that one.
I am getting better and better at proactively reminding myself that I’m not always responsible for this first thoughts that whisper insidiously in my ear that I should do more, that the kitchen isn’t clean enough, that I’m a failure because I haven’t painted the front of the house, that I’m a bad mum because I desperately enjoy and seek time alone, that I’m a terrible mum for resenting all the need sometimes.
Those first thoughts aren’t mine. They belong to the white noise that doesn’t serve me. I see this with so many of the women I coach - crushed by the weight of that old version of society, while trying to make their way through this new version. As you likely know if you’ve been reading me for a while, I always tell them, and myself:
When it feels hard, it’s usually because it is hard,
but now ask yourself, what do I need?
There is an extra price to pay for women other than the increase in burnout, overwhelm and stress. You disempower the people around you by doing everything for everyone; partners, kids, colleagues. I know how conflicted I can be around my teenagers….I want to fix everything for them so they don’t suffer in any way, but my proactive second thought reminds me that that thinking doesn’t release independent, resilient, confident adults into the world. This comes up with so many of my clients - they are exhausted and defeated by the sheer overwhelm of their lives, and when I dig deep with them, we can find a whole range of areas that they have stepped over the ‘enough’ line, where they are being driven by some or all parts of the Triad of Turmoil, and I try to help them see the more they do, the more they disempower their partner in home-care, their siblings in parent-care, their kids in life-skills.
So please, remember the rustle in the grass is likely not a snake, and you can choose to be proactive or reactive. I’m getting really practical with this in what is probably the most important workshop I’ve ever developed and as always my paid subscribers get a 10% discount - just email me at alana@alanakirk.com for the code. See below!
AND, I talk about this and how to have more FUN in my latest and third podcast interview on Sile Seoige’s Ready to be Real podcast - listen here on Apple or here on Spotify.
(You can check out all the interviews here.)
The Overwhelm Breakthrough Session
- Reclaim Your Time, Energy, and Sanity.
A 90-minute reset workshop with practical strategies to help you live your better, bolder, brighter life.
There is an online option on the 25th March and an in-person gathering in Dublin 6 on the 28th March….. all details are at https://www.themidlifecoach.org/overwhelm-session.
Please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.) And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it! As always, if you fancy a coaching hour with me to give yourself the time to think about yourself and next steps, you can book a Breakthrough Empower Hour here. And as always, my paid subscribers get a 10% discount - just email me at alana@alanakirk.com
My next Group coaching programme is up and ready for fabulous women to join. It starts on the 14th April.
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My paid subscribers get a discount - email me at alana@alanakirk.com
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