I fear I may have unwittingly reframed this codependent behavior--i.e., being "kind and loving and generous, and practical, and patient and happy," etc.--from maternal or spousal prerequisites into spiritual ones. I am almost 69 with three children all in their forties. And while I am much better at sitting with them in their difficult moments, (without looking to fix, solve, heal or change them), the stubborn difficulty I have is with myself. As in "I should be happy, and if I'm not, this is something that needs to be fixed, not sat with."I have done so much work on myself through the decades, and I thank God for the few great therapists, teachers, and Tibetan lamas who've helped me with their invaluable wisdom. They have all helped me understand the truth you write about: that I am not responsible for others' happiness.
But I AM responsible for my own happiness. and I feel like a 'wrongly made creature' if I am not happy. Much of the time, despite having an incredibly supportive, loving, affectionate wife of 20 years, and increasingly positive, rich relationships with my grown children, I am not--in the sense of "joyfully, playfully" happy. I've struggled with depression all my life, and am currently on anti-depressants for the past four years. Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't more important to Be With however I am, in a loving way--rather than to be Happy.
My eyes are rolling right now as I type, though. I'm tired of that truth. I'm so tired of Being With the particular pain and darkness that pulls me down and down all the time. / / / One this is for sure, though. It was a breath of fresh air to read your piece. To see my life reflected for a moment. Blessings to you.
Oh thank you so much for sharing that and being so honest. Yes it’s not a comfortable truth. I remember many years ago (nearly 30) I was travelling and meet an old man in Vietnam. We got chatting and something he said stayed with me all my life: you in the west are raised to expect happiness. It’s something you think you deserve. We in the east are raised to live our live without whatever comes and if we get moments of happiness, that’s great. We accept it as we know it won’t last (but will come back time and again) just like sadness. What I try to tell myself and my clients is - the goal in life is not to be “happy” 100% of the time. The goal in life is to be able to live and feel a wide range of emotions and experiences and stay connected to yourself. But that can feel really hard but as I try and try and try to practise it, I have noticed that when I’m down or grumpy I’m increasingly less annoyed about it. I’m not a failure. It allows me to be a bit more neutral so I am empowered enough to look at why perhaps, or just go for a walk in nature or down the dishes and try and find a child, or my dog or cat to cuddle 😅 But I think you have great self awareness ..the key is not the feeling, it’s how you feel about the feeling. Sending love x
Yes! Yes I feel "over-burdened with everyone else’s happiness"! I have four adult children and two aging parents and I worry constantly about each of them. I got the memo at birth and grew up in the 60s/70s and - well, you know the rest. I know it's for me to change and I try, but oh my old habits die hard. We'll all be together in a few weeks and I confessed to the husband that I worry about the moods, the complaints, how everyone will get along (or not) and he said, "that doesn't even occur to me!" He got no memo and is only looking forward to the big summer gathering. It's a challenge for me because they each bring their issues with one another to ME. They bring their complaints and criticisms to me. I am everyone's middle-woman! "Tell your brother," I'll say, to no avail. They somehow each feel that I am sort of responsible for whatever they think is going wrong. I suppose I built that, but I'm not sure how to dismantle it. I'm looking forward to the visit (mostly) but the hand-wringing has begun. What I wouldn't do for a little harmony!
Oh that sounds so hard .... and you’re not alone! I’ve had to really learn to sit with the discomfort of my dad, or my kids not being happy with something / a situation / a mood and not jump in to fix it or make it better. And what actually happens - and I see this all the time with clients too- is that in the space we create by doing nothing except listen and acknowledge and support.... they come back with the solution / action / change of mood. Rip up the memo!! I really wish you a happy gathering and know you are not responsible for their happiness xxx
Hi Alana,
I fear I may have unwittingly reframed this codependent behavior--i.e., being "kind and loving and generous, and practical, and patient and happy," etc.--from maternal or spousal prerequisites into spiritual ones. I am almost 69 with three children all in their forties. And while I am much better at sitting with them in their difficult moments, (without looking to fix, solve, heal or change them), the stubborn difficulty I have is with myself. As in "I should be happy, and if I'm not, this is something that needs to be fixed, not sat with."I have done so much work on myself through the decades, and I thank God for the few great therapists, teachers, and Tibetan lamas who've helped me with their invaluable wisdom. They have all helped me understand the truth you write about: that I am not responsible for others' happiness.
But I AM responsible for my own happiness. and I feel like a 'wrongly made creature' if I am not happy. Much of the time, despite having an incredibly supportive, loving, affectionate wife of 20 years, and increasingly positive, rich relationships with my grown children, I am not--in the sense of "joyfully, playfully" happy. I've struggled with depression all my life, and am currently on anti-depressants for the past four years. Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't more important to Be With however I am, in a loving way--rather than to be Happy.
My eyes are rolling right now as I type, though. I'm tired of that truth. I'm so tired of Being With the particular pain and darkness that pulls me down and down all the time. / / / One this is for sure, though. It was a breath of fresh air to read your piece. To see my life reflected for a moment. Blessings to you.
Oh thank you so much for sharing that and being so honest. Yes it’s not a comfortable truth. I remember many years ago (nearly 30) I was travelling and meet an old man in Vietnam. We got chatting and something he said stayed with me all my life: you in the west are raised to expect happiness. It’s something you think you deserve. We in the east are raised to live our live without whatever comes and if we get moments of happiness, that’s great. We accept it as we know it won’t last (but will come back time and again) just like sadness. What I try to tell myself and my clients is - the goal in life is not to be “happy” 100% of the time. The goal in life is to be able to live and feel a wide range of emotions and experiences and stay connected to yourself. But that can feel really hard but as I try and try and try to practise it, I have noticed that when I’m down or grumpy I’m increasingly less annoyed about it. I’m not a failure. It allows me to be a bit more neutral so I am empowered enough to look at why perhaps, or just go for a walk in nature or down the dishes and try and find a child, or my dog or cat to cuddle 😅 But I think you have great self awareness ..the key is not the feeling, it’s how you feel about the feeling. Sending love x
Sorry that would read ‘with whatever comes....’
Yes! Yes I feel "over-burdened with everyone else’s happiness"! I have four adult children and two aging parents and I worry constantly about each of them. I got the memo at birth and grew up in the 60s/70s and - well, you know the rest. I know it's for me to change and I try, but oh my old habits die hard. We'll all be together in a few weeks and I confessed to the husband that I worry about the moods, the complaints, how everyone will get along (or not) and he said, "that doesn't even occur to me!" He got no memo and is only looking forward to the big summer gathering. It's a challenge for me because they each bring their issues with one another to ME. They bring their complaints and criticisms to me. I am everyone's middle-woman! "Tell your brother," I'll say, to no avail. They somehow each feel that I am sort of responsible for whatever they think is going wrong. I suppose I built that, but I'm not sure how to dismantle it. I'm looking forward to the visit (mostly) but the hand-wringing has begun. What I wouldn't do for a little harmony!
Oh that sounds so hard .... and you’re not alone! I’ve had to really learn to sit with the discomfort of my dad, or my kids not being happy with something / a situation / a mood and not jump in to fix it or make it better. And what actually happens - and I see this all the time with clients too- is that in the space we create by doing nothing except listen and acknowledge and support.... they come back with the solution / action / change of mood. Rip up the memo!! I really wish you a happy gathering and know you are not responsible for their happiness xxx
Thanks so much for this, I really needed your post this morning! ❤️