Boxing yourself out of discomfort
Fighting for yourself is a practise
Getting comfortable with discomfort.
This is going to be a quickie as I write it from Greece…. a little getaway with a big impact.
This is me literally typing these words.
This week I’m wiring about discomfort - and how important it is to befriend, especially for women in midlife who will likely have some of it served up in dollops (no-one gets through life unscathed) and who also seem to live on a diet of trying to manage everything with perfection and precision…. And so it’s fitting I write this from here, a place where discomfort became my friend.
I started coming to this little corner of the world eight years ago when discomfort had moved in with me like a guest who smells and never leaves.
I was two years separated and was just about recovering from the fallout of finding out my husband was gay, my mum dying and becoming a single parent. I was emerging from my curled up protective state, unfurling fingers to start feeling out what was next and what might be possible, lifting my head to see where I might explore.
I had eventually come to terms with having my children go to their dad’s for alternate weekends and the occasional holiday, realising it wasn’t just a time to kill, but a time to start living again. I wanted an adventure without having to be too adventurous. I needed a safe space with activity but with a pace of my choosing. I found this holiday that provides lots of activities which you can do or not do. Everything was available but no-one was knocking on my door making me do anything (and when you live as many women, with the sense that everyone is always knocking on your day expecting you to do thins, this was bliss) . I could pilates and yoga and then slink off to sip wine while I wrote with a view. I could snorkel and windsurf and then go for dinner with new friends or wander the enticing shops by myself.
As I emerged from the traumatic unflinching, unrelenting discomfort of grief, loss, shock, anger, overwhelm, desperation, panic, fear, and fury, I started practicing a new form of discomfort - discomfort on my terms.
Discomfort on your terms is the best and most necessary form of discomfort. And here is what I have learned. The more discomfort you proactively engage with, the more you can handle the discomfort that comes uninvited.
I had to figure out who I was again… and that meant exploring, experiencing, experimenting.
Because you never know what will stick.
The thing someone said that you wear like a burning, berating branding on your soul.
The moment that lingers in your mind, when so many moments drift away from your memory.
The random experience that turns out to become a passion or change your life.
I’ve just boxed for the first time in my 55 years-long life, While Katie Taylor has nothing to worry about, that’s not the point. It’s only when you try lots of things, do you discover what might stick. What might change how you feel. What might change how you behave. What might bring new joy or creativity or learning to your life. What might unstick you. (As a coach, I love helping someone approach the same stuck issue in a relationship in a new way for example, and watch the transformation). But we like our comfort zone, even when it’s hurting us.
That comfort zone is a muscle. It needs to be exercised or else it will contract. And the more you exercise it with proactive decisions, the stronger it is when the shit hits the fan.
Since my marriage ended (an experience that didn’t stick!) I’ve explored, experienced and experimented in lots of ways….. I had to build up my confidence and resilience to counter the discomfort life threw at me like mud, some of which stuck and some I was able to eventually wipe away. Because expanding your comfort zone with intention pushes away some of the post-traumatic stress, and leads to post-traumatic growth.
I’ve learned Tango, windsurfed, practised yoga, lifted weights, tried reformer pilates, dabbled in Buddhism, studied psychology, adventured into new foods, threw myself into cold seas, listened to new music, more theatre, confronted gardening, mediated, dabbled in dating and dallied in sexual exploration, set boundaries, learned to listen to my inner voice, went forest bathing, and much, much more.
Some stuck. Some taught me what I didn’t like. Some were fun for the moment.
The ones that stuck have changed my life: Buddhism / psychology, sea swimming, yoga. Some contribute enormously to my life: weights, gardening, beetroot ;-)
What all of them have taught me is that I am not defined by what happens to me; I am responsible for redefining myself all the time, constantly becoming. The bad stuff that happens? Much of it is inevitable or out of my control. But the good stuff?? That’s all on me.
I’ve just boxed. I love it. Might do it again. Might not. But it was uncomfortable because I didn’t know what I was doing initially. I have learned to not only be ok with that, but embrace the liberation of not having to be brilliant at something.
Women by midlife have perfected being and doing whatever they are and do. We run the show with military precision and juggle with circus expertise.
And so doing something we have no idea we can be good at feels daunting. But it is the most liberating feeling to NOT have to take charge. To be a learner. And love it or not at your leisure. We need more of that in our lives…the liberation of not having to be in charge, or not having to excel, of not having to be the one who is over-responsible for everyone and everything.
I’m about to go for a paddle board now. (It’s the next morning… don’t worry.. I'll be paddling wine-free). I’m pretty crap but I love it so I’ll keep going. We’ll paddle out into the bay, and head to a little bakery up the coast. I’ll likely fall in and drip on the bakery floor while I order my green tea and croissant and I won’t care. And for a recovering perfectionist, not caring was the greatest discomfort of all I had to practise. Now it is liberating. Not the the dripping. The being able to experience, explore and experiment because I know discomfort is a natural and necessary part of life, and I am not afraid of it. And that is making me less afraid of the things that do matter - having the difficult conversations, setting boundaries, choosing me at least some of the time, saying no when I need to, saying yes when I want to, taking chances and making choices.
Where can you face a little discomfort to live a better, bolder, brighter life?
And talking of a better, bolder, brighter life…. fancy a little adventure? I’m very giddy about my first overseas coaching experience. Soul & Spice is not a retreat. It’s for women brave enough to move forward. This is a pause with purpose.
It’s designed to help you:
✦ Reawaken your five senses in one of the world’s most vibrant cities
✦ Reconnect with your sixth sense – your inner voice, your spark
✦ Reclaim your sense of self through powerful group coaching
Are you ready for a little life adventure?
All the details are here.
As always, my paid subscribers can email me at alana@alanakirk.com for an exercise on how to get braver in certain areas of life.
And if you fancy one powerful hour with me to figure out your next brave steps details of my Breakthrough Empower Hour are here. (10% discount for my paid subscribers).
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