Come to your senses
Time to wake up!
Come to your senses. I was going to make this the title of a book about midlife sex and sensuality (and I might yet) because it’s like we need to come back to ourselves in every way after perhaps years of being more like some distant relative. We know we’re there somewhere in the background, but life is soooooo busy we don’t really keep in touch.
But I think midlife - if we’re lucky or intentional - is a time when we come back to our senses and sense of self. Maybe several times because midlife is also the time that many of life’s wreck balls swing through and demolish our peace of mind: grief, loss, unexpected care roles, overwhelm. It’s also a decades long phase with lots of stages and each one, each crossroads, each change is a chance to return to your self, check in and say hello.
When we’re young - I mean, child young - we are startled and sparkled by new experiences - the sights, sounds and smells, the tastes and touches of everything around us. We live in our bodies, our brains not yet bursting with the bullshit and confusion of what we’re supposed to be like and should be doing… we just live in the moment, jumping in puddles and sticking our tongues out to taste the falling snow.
And then we get sidetracked. From teenage years onwards, women are so busy enduring our bodies, we can forget to live in them: the physical pain of periods, the tension of pregnancy prevention, the shame of not being the shape and size of the societal role model models and celebs who influence our minds long after we’ve turned the phones off, the poignant and pressured pregnancy years - if we have them - and our bodies become beautiful homes and shelters for other humans who we love far better than ourselves. And then of course, our hormones leave us in a disorderly fashion like crowds in a Black Friday sale run during peri-menopause, and we are left bruised and bewildered after decades of managing in our bodies rather than managing within our bodies. (Lest I paint a poor picture, your body had also likely brought you many pleasures and delights from orgasms and cuddles, to the plunge of cold water or the heat of a Mediterranean sun on your skin.)
I know there have been times I’ve startled myself when I catch myself in a window reflection or unexpected mirror…… there I am! I’m a person not just this fuck-cluster of thoughts.
I had a client last week who is in the process of trying to shake herself up after years of survival mode. I asked her about the relationship in her head and she told me it was simply a monologue of what needs to be done next. There is no fun, or joy, or compassion or curiosity in the constant chatter. Our work together is about shifting that monologue into a dialogue, from being a third person narrative to her writing the story, where she chats to herself, laughs with herself, says “Oh look at that!” And is a loving, cheeky, choice-making presence that helps her engage with herself again. She has spent the last few years - in her words - reacting to all the drama around her, the vast majority of which, she didn’t even create. But she became the fixer, the carer, the supporter, the referee and the emotional punching bag. She has to relearn how to respond to herself now before she never finds herself again.
The war between what you should become and what you could become starts back in the body.
In what you delight in seeing.
In what you relish to taste.
In what you sniff deeply to smell.
In what you tantalisingly touch.
In what you soar to hear.
Come to your senses to me means to awaken. To breathe deep, and look hard, and smell the air and reach for what’s yours and taste choice
To remember the why, not just the what.
Last week I was taking myself for a walk (I lost my lovely dog Mojo a few months back and as part of the grief, I realised how much I missed the morning embrace of nature. Yes, even walking in the rain. So in coming to my senses, I decided to take myself for a walk every day because I’m just as important as Mojo was to get fresh air and exercise at the start of every day) when I was literally ambushed by a tsunami of smell - a bombardment of earthy sweetness from a bush, resplendent in Spring joy. It literally stopped me in my tracks, waking me from my reverie. I took my AirPods out, and stood to inhale the lushness of life, the giddy birds all singing around me, my eyes alight with the plushness of the weeping willow who had stood so naked for so many long months, and as I reached out to touch the new leaves, I felt so at peace.
My senses had woken me up. Brought me back to myself and the moment. And that’s what you must do on an internal level.
Wake up.
Come to your senses.
To really see what is holding you back or hurting you.
To really wake up and feel what is stifling your independence and ability to thrive (and yes, it is more than ok to be independent alongside your roles and responsibilities).
To really listen to your own voice - to distinguish between the core of who you are, versus the conditioning of who you are supposed to be.
So what does it look like?
You go back to the body, yes the one that carries your busy brain and isn’t as taught and flexible as it once was but oh my god it is yours and has so much pleasure and pain and experiences yet to come so get back inside it and let it feel alive. Bend over and stretch in a downward dog. Stand barefoot on the grass. Don’t gulp but savour the flavour of your lunch. Lift your head and see what’s around you. Touch something, anything. Stroke it and feel it. Your own skin for starters. Go on, stroke your arm right now as you read this. How good does that feel? Even if your heart is breaking or just heavy, smell the fabulous flowers as you walk past them… or your skin, or your child’s head even though they are an adult. Delve into the smells around you (call me a crazy cat lady but I love the smell of a cat’s paw). Listen to the silence and hear yourself.
To take a beat to really feel where you are and how you are, and what perhaps you need next.
You create some space to reflect and respond, not just react to all the dramas and demands.
You take yourself for a walk (or a run, or a swim, or a new course, or on a date with yourself or whatever it is you need to do) because you are important too.
Those are some of the macro ways and in this previous post, I explain the small momentary micro ways you can come back to yourself when you need to retreat from a wave of overwhelm or drama.
So this week, think about how you can come to your senses, awaken and say hello to yourself, not just the external woman always on the run.
If you feel you want some help with your wake up call, one powerful hour to just explore where you’re at and how can you make it all feel a little easier might do the trick. Details of my Breakthrough Empower Hour are here. (10% discount for my paid subscribers).
And as always, this is available for everyone to read, so for my paid subscribers (thank you so much - your support keeps this newsletter going, because it takes time and energy each week) I will send you a little exercise to help you come to your senses. Just email me at alana@alanakirk.com and when you’ve done it, you can send it back and I’ll give you some feedback (feel free to ask questions or ask for specific support in an area) to try to move you forward. I’ll do this each week now for paid subscribers.
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