Enough is enough
Seriously.....
Quick note before the main post…..I’m still offering my January New Year special called Breakthrough 2025 - Your Year to Thrive, two empower hour coaching sessions plus a copy of my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter. All the details are below but it is the perfect gift for yourself or a loved woman in your life, to start the year on track.
When I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, a woman over the age of 50 was considered old. And not just through the young lens which tends to see any age past the age of about 15 years ahead as old.
My mum, then in her late 40's and 50’s, wouldn’t have seen a woman over the age of 30 read the news. There were plenty, oh so plenty, ageing, festering, greying, bulging white men over the age of 40, 50, 60, and 70 on the TV because that obviously didn’t offend the senses of the (male) executives who made those kinds of decisions. There were few women ‘of an age’ in prominent, visible positions. It was almost as if there was a message that said…. “Once you have fulfilled your only value which is to be sexy and smile, then reproduce, then do everything for everyone, you can retreat out of the way and out of view.”
Mmmmmmmmm.
So it was brilliant to see Demi Moore give that acceptance speech at the Golden Globes. In her powerful parting words she said, “In those moments, when we don’t think we’re smart enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or successful enough, or basically just not enough: I had a woman say to me, ‘Just know, you will never be enough, but you can know the value of your worth if you just put down the measuring stick.”
And that’s what all women, of every age - including my teenage girls - need to do: put down the yardstick. It was never of our design anyway. Not the yardstick many of us use anyway.
📏 That yardstick design came from the patriarchal view that women are to be carers and smilers and amenable and helpful and totally and utter self-sacrificing.
📏 That yardstick design came from bullshit fashion fascism that has dictated women’s value in how big or small her arse is (it’s not real! It’s arbitrary.. for years made up by gay men in New York! Stop listening to it!)
📏 That yardstick design came from social media and really sick people who “influence” you to do everything from tequila drink your worries away, to women shouldn’t drink after 40; from culottes being your wonder fashion item (they are NEVER going to suit me so NO!!!) to bikinis not being suitable for women over 40; from we must slop pig fat on our skin to keep young, to women over 40 shouldn’t age so buy all the ANTI-ageing creams; from eat this and eat that, and for god’s sake get the protein / chia seeds / kale (or is it beetroot this year) into you, to don’t eat before a full moon and never between the hours of 7pm and 4pm, especially if you’re a woman over 40.
📏 That yardstick design came from a false and dangerous narrative that we could “have it all” which meant just doing it all and having none of the proper structural, societal and emotional supports to run families, jobs and our anti-ageing faces. Things such as affordable child-care, equal rights, equal pay, equal pensions, proper research and support for menopause which affects HALF the population but only became a thing three years ago or … oh you know the list.
And you get my drift.
📏 That yardstick became a stick we all beat ourselves with.
So how about this year, we say enough is enough?
That as the warrior women we are - the generations in transition from a deeply patriarchal system where we had no value other than our cleaning, cooking and child-rearing abilities towards an equitable society that is fair for all, where we all thrive without the toxic masculinity and toxic femininity narratives - we say enough is enough.
You stop worrying about whether you are skinny, curvy, toned or tanned enough.
You stop caring whether you are loud, quiet, smart, creative, cutesy enough.
You stop pressuring yourself to be loving, caring, sacrificing, giving enough.
Your yardstick
You create your own yardstick, based on who you are, your values, your innate strengths, your experiences, your big passions and small loves, on your desires and notions.
How about this year, you stop trying to be enough for the never-enoughers, and start being enough - be everything - to yourself?
Because it is fucking exhausting constantly trying to please unpleaseable people, meet expectations that have nothing to do with your reality, feel responsible for everyone’s happiness, and take responsibility for everything.
Enough is enough. Literally. It’s enough now.
Stop trying to be enough for everyone and everything else, and instead turn your attention - all that emotional energy that is now available - on you.
Focussing on what being enough for yourself is will change your life and your relationships.
I live it every day (because like all the great impacts, it’s a practice and a dance, not a destination). And every day, I see it with my coaching clients. As soon as you start responding to your internal light, not constantly reacting to the external shiny objects that offer you glitz but make you feel like grime, your life changes.
Investing time, energy, thought and intention on you, who you are now and who you are becoming is the best investment of your time, energy and thought. And from that place of strength, from the yardstick of your design, you can give and be what you are able to, to others. Nothing more.
So paying attention is the vibe this year.
Women already pay a lot of attention. We pay attention to everyone and everything in our lives. We were socialised as the carers and the smilers and the pleasers and the sacrificers. And so we pay attention to everyone’s needs and moods and expectations.
We never feel we are enough because we’re paying so much attention to everyone else we’re not paying it to ourselves.
I want you to pay attention to yourself.
To what you think.
To how you feel.
To what you want.
To whether you need a boundary.
To whether you want to say yes, or actually you want to say Fuck Off.
To whether there is fairness in the mental as well as physical workload in your home.
To whether you have financial equity in your relationship.
To whatever is going on for, around, to and in you.
So that’s what I’m going to help you do over the coming weeks and months in this newsletter. Write about figuring out what enough means to you in your life, for every aspect of your life. As a parent, as a partner, as a daughter, as a friend, as a colleague and in relation to yourself.
In this newsletter I’m going to write about my own experiences, those of my clients and what I see in the world out there as women smash ceilings, but also still smash plates in frustration, and how we change the narrative from being beholden to external yardsticks to learning to create our own.
For all my lovely and wonderful subscribers thank you for being here. I know your time is full so I appreciate you giving a tiny bit of it to me. Every week for the next while, I’m going take a new angle on being enough and how we learn to practise it. I’ll be looking at boundaries, beliefs, fairness in the home, body image, ageing, emotional wellbeing, stress and anxiety, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, goals and desires, redefining how you want your life to feel, and much more. I’ll give as much practical support and guidance and tools as I can. I’d love your comments, stories and questions.
For my lovely paid subscribers (thank you so much, you help me keep this work going), I am also going to do a monthly podcast, webinar (which is likely to be live so I can answer questions) and a little playbook to give you the exercises you need to take this adventure further). First one coming up on 29th January.
Because seriously, enough is enough.
And until the end of January, you can book my New Year Special Breakthrough 2025 - Your Year to Thrive. It’s a package of two empower hour coaching sessions plus a copy of my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter for just €250. (Normally one breakthrough Clarity Coaching session is €150). If you’re feeling stuck, need a change or want to get a grip on your life, this will give you the space, guidance and focus to make sure next year is YOUR year. As always, my paid subscribers get a 10% discount.. just email me at alana@alanakirk.com.
I absolutely love hearing from you, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)
And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it!
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Thanks for passing this on Cara.
Enough is enough. I am enough ansnao are you 💪🏻
Damn! You said it all! 🔥