How do we age powerfully?

An essay (and video) that is not about bondage or weight training

Mar 20, 2024

This is not an essay about bondage…… although if that’s part of ageing powerfully for you…. go crazy! But women are living in this society with one hand tied behind their back. With one hand we are reaching for all the amazing opportunities and possibilities that exist for women today with an extended midlife and access to academia, travel, work fulfilment, education, sport to name a few, but also being held back by an outdated patriarcal system and guilt-tripping conditioning that tries to keep us in our nurturing, self-sacrificing place, ageing gracefully while giving everything of ourselves to others.

Ageing powerfully is about recognising that constraint exists, and trying to cut yourself lose - being who you want to be, how you want to be, taking radical responsibility for your health, your happiness and Houdini-ing yourself out of the bondage that says we must retreat, desexualised and devalued once “society” decides ageing is a thing (we all age from the day we are born, so why does it suddenly become a crime when we hit whatever age du jour is the crime figure of the year?)

Which is why it’s wonderful to see women are having a child-like resurgence. Remember when we were children, and someone asked our age? We would announce it proudly, even adding the extra months for good measure. There was never a shred of shame.… unless of course, you were trying to sneak into an 18+ bar.

But somewhere along the early road in adulthood, age became a shameful admission. What age becomes shameful?

29 going 30?

45?

Gasp… 50??

Sure, when we were growing up 60 was oooooooooold and 70 and 80 were ancient.

There was even a polite societal position that you should never ask a woman her age, lest she lose her enigma (and be shamed by the answer). For most of societal history, a woman was ‘aged’ out of relevance once her best breeding years were done.

And yet, I am seeing a wave of rebellion; women voicing their age loud and proud, because we are rejecting that bullshit that keeps us small. We are refusing to hide our age, defend our age, deny our relevance regardless of our age.

Here, I’ll go first. I’m 54. Wahoo! I’m still standing, my breasts only slightly deflated and my passion for life fully inflated. And I see it over and over again. Women all over the place aren’t just whispering their age, but claiming them, in fact, not fear.

Ageing is a gift, not a guilt-trip.

And given the context of the societal narrative that celebrates youth, this is no small feat.

Midlife is a decades long stage of life, with many twists and turns, multiple phases and paces, and many moments. Yet we can be made to feel we are somehow doing something wrong.

We’re ageing in an age of Anti-Ageing Propaganda - and we have to redefine the narrative. Getting older is not a sin. It’s a privilege and something we need to do powerfully not apologetically, but gratefully not gracefully.

It’s not always easy - women weren’t taught to take radical responsibility for our own happiness. Our job was to make everyone else happy. We weren’t taught to take radical responsibility for our emotional and physical health. Now we are living 20 or 30 years longer - in mid-life, not old age - and we must arm ourselves with the information and tools we need to live vibrant, valiant lives.

We do that by turning down the external narrative - that constant white noise that drowns out our own voice, to stop focussing just on the external, but the internal.

Women today are unique generations (of our 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's) who are redefining what midlife means - the possibility, the unrealistic expectations, and the way in which we live our lives - with curiosity, intention and a realisation that much of the narrative around how a woman 'should' feel, look and behave is outdated b*llsh*t.

Below in my conversation with Sinead McNamara, co-founder of The National Menopause Summit, where we both happily admit our age and talk about the bullshit narrative that can really keep women from chasing the real gift of this extended midlife: time and agency.

We talked about being told to be quiet when we were younger. Told to tone it down and contort ourselves into the one-size-fits-all shape of how a women”should be”.

I explain the concept of releasing our core from the layers and roles we might play like a set of nesting dolls and rather than be smothered by those outer dolls, we colour them from our core.

I discuss the importance of shifting from being reactive - reacting to all those external demands and expectations on us to being responsive - responding to our own needs and desires, and from that place of strength be who and what we can be to others.

So rather than tying yourself up trying to be all thigns to all people (and pleasing no-one), ageinng powerfully starts with learning to listen to what pleases you.

And my most important piece of advice in ageing powerfully is understanding you have agency: checking in and asking - who am I, how am I, where am I now at this age and stage (whatever that is) and now ask what do I need and want.

In this interview we both celebrate our ages and despite being so thankful we are 54 and 55 in 2024 and not 1984, we acknowledge that we are all the generations to trailblaze a redefined midlife, for the generations to come.

I’d love to know how you can spread out your expectations, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)

How do we age powerfully?

An essay (and video) that is not about bondage or weight training

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