How strong are you?
The brains and the brawn
Strength comes in many forms. Until fairly recently, strong usually meant different things for men and women. For men it was physically, and for women it was emotionally (to hold and carry all that we had to.)
Now we see the shift as strengths bleed across gender. Men benefit from being more emotionally resilient and flexible, while women are building bodies that defy the “feeble” rendition of the past. Strength is a state of emotional and physical being.
I’m just back from Greece and on the last evening, I asked my friend Leslie what was the best thing about the holiday.
“I feel strong,” she replied instantly.
I nodded. I knew what she meant.
I’d done yoga, holding long power poses, stretching deep into my ligaments and legs.
I’d done pilates, pushing past limits to build repetition and resilience.
I’d boxed until I thought my arms would fall off, but they didn’t. They flexed and flew and punched and protected and it felt exhilarating.
I’d windsurfed, my arms holding sail against the warm, whimsical wind, my core adjusting with every tiny tremor of change.
I’d swum and cycled and walked and bent and twisted and stretched and danced and flirted and sizzled in the sun, feeling strong and alive.
It was an activity holiday but lest anyone thinks it sounds like military training, there was lots of lounging as well and lunging. Lots of sipping wine as well as tipping into downward dog. Lots of space to think and be, amid the camaraderie and community. It was as balanced as my one legged tree pose.
And that’s the key to strength. Balance.
I love that at 55 I am probably stronger physically than I’ve ever been. I jumped on the midlife weight training bandwagon and am really enjoying the ride. I know that with every one of us being on this unprecedented longevity adventure, women have to invest in their muscle mass and strength. ( The number one reason women have to go into nursing homes is being unable to lift themselves up from the toilet or chair. So that’s the image I keep in my mind when I’m cursing Joe in my gym and he’s telling me to keep going, to give it one more lift… and I picture me on the toilet and lifting myself off at 105 and give it one last bit of welly!)
Once that strength goes, so does independence. So without delving into the menopause mechanics here, suffice to say, as hormones retreat, so dumbbells must arrive!
But it’s not just physical strength. It is a mental and emotional strength that we get as a gift as this time of life that fuels us. I feel stronger mentally and emotionally too.
Partly because the muscle was exercised by life’s challenges, and partly because I have built on it, so I know I can better flex my own support when I need it.
As I chatted to Leslie, she too noted that she didn’t just mean physically.
“I can recognise when I’m really happy now.”
That ability to sit with whatever life is at the time is a strength. To mark the moments that bring simple contentedness or bursts of joy is a strength in a life that can often be overwhelmed by endurance, boredom, workload, responsibility. And equally then, the strength to know that when it feels tough, that it is a period of time to support yourself through it.
We trust that women are emotionally and mentally strong. Often because we don’t have a choice. I always remember people telling me I was really strong.. and I used to think, what choice did I have? My mum needed 24 care for five years while I raised three small children, and my marriage ended, making that care even more acute.
There wasn’t a day I wasn’t able to just give up. But where my real strength grew - like building my muscles in the gym - was managing the overwhelm from the inside first. I often tell my clients the story of Anne Lamott in her beautiful book Bird by Bird. The book is about writing but I apply the principle to everything. Here brother was freaking out because he hadn’t done the week long assignment on the birds of Canada and it was now Sunday afternoon. It was due Monday. Her brother was so stressed he couldn’t begin to tackle it. She recounts how her father gently sat her brother down and told him he could do it. He just had to take it one bird at a time. Don’t focus on anything other than the one bird.
And so being strong enough in life, when so much is thrown at you, is about being able to calm from within and take your day bird by bird.
I ask myself, “What am I capable of today rather than what is expected of me today?” And depending on the answer is what I set myself to achieve. That has taken years of repetitive practise, like my weights.
One of the strongest things I’ve done is ask for help.
I thought being strong meant handling everything myself, not letting myself be vulnerable, carrying the heaviest load without support, fixing everything myself, taking responsibility for everyone.
Investing in myself - from therapy to proactively changing my thoughts to ones that support me rather than tear me down - has made me stronger.
Jumping into cold water makes me feel strong.
Not over-reacting to teenagers being arseholes makes me feel strong.
Trying new things for the fun of it makes me feel strong.
Trying not to take things personally, and trying to find other’s perspectives makes me feel strong.
Choosing rest makes me feel strong.
The women I coach inspire me every single day with their strength. Not that they prance around shouting “I’m strong.” But I see it in the decisions they make, the boundaries they instil, the choices they lean into ..often fighting the mind fuckery that holds so many of us back to do so.
So in midlife, in this adventurous experience of longevity, strength training takes many forms.
Slow low weight repetitions that make your arms ache for rest
One or two heavy lifts that can only be sustained with willpower
The choice to lean inward and love yourself with kindness, creativity, curiosity, care and an occasional kick up the arse.
Supporting yourself, caring for yourself, asking for help, listening to what you want and need and turning down the volume on the mindfuckery telling you what you ‘should’ do instead.
Sometimes strength is a loud “Fuck you!” and sometimes it’s a soft hand on your own back
Recently I found the strength to draw a line in the sand in a relationship I have to have. I stood strong and said “this is the line and these are the consequences if you cross it” and I was scared and it has changed my life.
Strong doesn’t mean you never feel afraid. Or tired or despondent.
It means you have it within you to support yourself through it. It is not the opposite of weak. It is the opposite of fragile.
So as we all trailblaze ahead into this unprecedented longevity adventure, flexing our new found muscles of opportunity, possibility, redefinition, becoming… Let’s feel strong… not because we’re brutal, but because we are bold, and beautiful and alive.
I’d love to know where and how you feel strong in the comments below!
And if you want to flex some adventurous muscles, how about coming with me to Marrakech this November? Soul & Spice is not a retreat. It’s for women brave enough to move forward. This is a pause with purpose.
It’s designed to help you:
✦ Reawaken your five senses in one of the world’s most vibrant cities
✦ Reconnect with your sixth sense – your inner voice, your spark
✦ Reclaim your sense of self through powerful group coaching
All the details are here.
As always, my paid subscribers can email me at alana@alanakirk.com for an exercise on how to get stronger in certain areas of life.
And if you fancy one powerful hour with me to figure out your next brave steps details of my Breakthrough Empower Hour are here. (10% discount for my paid subscribers).
Please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.) And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it!