How to stop the menopausal madness

Provide fact-based information and support

Mar 06, 2024

There were several years during the 80’s when my mum went “off the rails”. This was the official family term..… sometimes used by her herself, although she usually preferred “ready for the hills.”

Once she came into my bedroom in a state of apoplectic rage convinced I had taken her white T-shirt. I was lying in a teenage stupor but she kept throwing things around my room, ranting about all my perceived injustices and how she was sick and tired of everyone and everything and the final straw was me stealing her white T-shirt. No amount of my protestations calmed her unravelling nerves and having been (literally) dragged out of my bed to search for the missing item, I was following her stream of stress consciousness until it abruptly stopped. I walked into her bedroom to find her standing utterly deflated in front of the mirror, clutching the fleece she’d furiously flung off and there, already clinging to her increasing torso which was also a target of her rage, was in fact, her white T-shirt. She had been wearing it all the time.

She was in her early 50’s and seemed to operate on two modes: blustering hurricane or weeping crumpled mess. At its worst, she would threaten suicide. I would go to school having been screeched at that she’d be dead when I got home. It haunts me still, the chance I took that this was just another level of her madness, my heart shaking in hope that when I put the key in the front door that I wouldn’t be greeted with silence. My mum had been a kind, loving women who seemed to disinhabit herself during this time.

This was a critical time when we teenagers pull away from our family and seek validation from our equally ‘don’t-know-what-the-fuck-we’re-doing’ peers. I was meant to be the one pulling away, yet it often felt like being abandoned seeing my mum in this state. (She could equally also be totally clingy and desperate for me to be her child forever while also wailing for me to parent her). It was hard seeing her, how shall I put this? Not at her best. Not in her prime, by any means. She should have been, of course. We know that now. Midlife should be a glorious time for women to evolve and strive and thrive. But back then, in her 50s in a 1980’s era of Benny Hill where women were either sex objects or old hags, she felt devalued, desexualised, irrelevant.

Women weren't allowed near the upper echelons of most arenas lest their hysterical tendencies broke the controls. Women were barely allowed on the TV after the age of 35 lest they offended the male gaze. The Golden Girls filled our Saturday evenings..… and in case you wonder why I’m bringing up a TV show about four ‘older’ women retired in Florida, the actors who played them where 55 (Dorothy), 55 (Rose) and 53 (Blanche).

What hope did my mum have of feeling that she still had a vibrant midlife ahead of her? What I - and likely she - didn’t know was that she was actually hostage to menopausal madness - not the haphazard hormones, but the silence, shame and secrecy around a condition that was as biologically relevant as puberty. No support. No conversations. No information. She returned a little back to herself eventually, but I’m not sure any of us really recovered. She certainly had so much to give and offer and felt discarded by society. That is at the core of the work that I do… that no woman ever feels irrelevant or discarded again.

Last year a client invited me to the National Menopause Summit. She’d asked for a table of 10 at the event as a Christmas present from her husband. Imagine that? For Christmas she wanted to give the gift of knowledge to other women knowing how much we all struggle to keep a sense of ourselves amid the meno-morphesis we go through.

I knew quite a bit about menopause. As the midlife coach I work with women through the mayhem of midlife, and will always check to see where they are on that OMG Odyssey - peri?/Post/WTF? I wrote about my own experiences and sought advice for my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter and still. Sitting in a room with women desperate for knowledge, being educated by incredible experts, I continued to learn and understand better that this stage is not a one-stop-shop experience, but a multi-faceted expedition that requires a map and a travel guide.

At that event, a women stood up; I can picture her still. She spoke of her mother’s suicide due to depression during menopause. She worried about her own depression (and I often see it - and experience it - as desperation). It affected me deeply as I remembered my own mum’s madness, which of course now, with hindsight and nearly learned knowledge I realise was of course, menopause. She’d had a hysterectomy and was thrown head first into the shark-tank of menopause without a paddle or prescription. In those days Menopause was whispered alongside the Big C incase they were infectious diseases. How much they suffered. How much they must have suffered. The loneliness, the despair, the fear.

And so I find myself (not by chance because serendipity is a glorious spirit ) but by luck, speaking at this year’s National Menopause Summit at the Aviva Stadium on the 11th and 12th April. So great is the need for this sort of fact-based setting of knowledge, support and shared experiences, the event is being run twice over the two days.

I want every woman possible to get the information they need to live the valiant vibrant mid-life that awaits them, spurred on by the hurt I feel for my mum, a torch for myself and the women I coach, and a fucking fury for my daughters that they will never see me suicidal (even though they have seen me on the preverbal window ledge ) and know that even though they are still not taught about their own biological development in school, they will have every fact and every support they need to embrace their evolution and carry on their magnificent midlives.

Below is a discount code for tickets, and lots of information, but I also wanted to share the results of the national survey that was done to get an insight (because so little research has actually been done for and on women) into how peri-menopause is affecting women today. This helps us understand the facts and supports they will need.

The link to the full survey is here but these are a few that resonated with me, and my thoughts on them.

Has your peri/menopause journey negatively affected your relationship with your partner / spouse?

Yes - 38%

Somewhat - 34%

No 14%

Don’t Know - 14%

I’ve had at least one client say her marriage ended as a result of her menopause. The relationship we have with ourselves affects every other relationship, so it makes sense that if peri/menopause has the potential to negatively affect our relationship with ourselves, as a consequence it certainly can impact our significant relationships with others. When we feel disconnected to ourselves, when we feel anxious and angry - just two of the symptoms that can show up, when we feel we are changing, it affects how we think of ourselves and how we interact with others. I have so many clients tell me they are suddenly anxious or full of rage, or not sleeping and I ask if they think they may be peprimonepuasl and they look up in shock. They are so involved with the business of their lives, they haven’t necessarily put two and two together.

During this time we can also drop the cuddle chemical hormone oxytocin so we become less people pleasing - this is a good thing for you, but it may come as a shock to those around you. It can also force a period of reflection and reassessment about what’s important and what we want our lives to feel like moving forward. Sometimes relationships can benefit from that reassessment, and sometimes they can become casualties.

The most important action you can take for yourself, and your relationship, is to prioritise how you are, invest time and energy on getting the information and support you need to navigate this period, and then be open and honest about what you need from those around you. There is no shame in this transitional period of your life, but it can have consequences far beyond your own hormonal shifts. Take excellent care of yourself, ask for the support and understanding you need, and try to focus as much on the potential of this time too.

Has your sex life been negatively affected by your peri-menopause journey?

Yes - 82%

No - 8%

Maybe - 10%

This is a really sad statistic. There can be very practical reasons for this such as vaginal dryness, and more emotional reasons such as loss of body confidence. The thing to remember is that our attitude and connection to our sexual selves changes all the time. It’s not a static, stand alone response. It’s connected to how we feel emotionally, physically, psychologically and is affected by so many brakes and accelerators throughout our adult life. Accelerators mean we want to have sex and can be stimulated by visuals, sounds, smells, memory, anticipation, and a whole host of factors. The brakes can range from fear of pregnancy to smells, exhaustion, body-confidence, anxiety and many more. All through our lives, our response to sex is affected by various accelerators and brakes. Understanding the how and why of your feelings at the moment will help you adapt to whatever is happening. During peri/menopause, there can be added brakes such as vaginal dryness or increased tiredness, and once you can be curious about the reasons, you can be proactive about finding possible solutions eg lube, better sleep management etc.

We also need to really evolve and expand our sometimes limited definition of sex. If we define sex as just penetration, we miss out on keeping the intimacy alive through a much broader array of experiences from cuddling, massaging, touching, masturbation, and any array of activities that still feed the intimacy but don’t necessarily just rely on that one piece of the sexual jigsaw.

Have you considered ending your relationship during your peri/menopause journey?

Yes - 32%

No - 62%

I ended it - 6%

Peri/menopause doesn’t happen in isolation. It also coincides with often the busiest or most challenging times of a woman’s life. She could also be juggling career and family, divorce, parent-care, and ageing in an age of anti-ageing propaganda for starters. It can come at a time when there are many other changes happening in a relationship. Kids could be growing and leaving, which is a crossroads for many marriages as the joint goal of raising a family that has steered the relationship until now, has diminished. Unless that joint vision is reviewed, revised and redefined, it can leave couples feeling adrift. Added to that of course, women are experiencing huge emotional and physical changes, so it’s not uncommon for the relationship to come under renewed pressure. My advice is twofold. Firstly, seek every resource to manage your menopause effectively, get the information and support you need to minimise the symptoms and maximise the potential this time of life offers. And then communicate. Articulate what you’re experiencing, what support you might need, and educate your partner on what is happening. Then ask for what you want - this could mean a hug one moment, and a big chunk of space the next! It can be confusing for partners so keep articulating what you need so that no-one feels at fault.

Has it affected any of your family caring responsibility you may have as kids / grandchildren / older parents

Yes - 46%

No - 27%

Maybe - 18%

I don’t have any - 9%

Peri/menopause often happens at the most critical time in a woman’s life. She could be juggling career, parenting, parent-care, family life, trying to keep a sense of self amid the mayhem of midlife, and generally being so many things to so many people she can forget who she is to herself. Just as she is spinning multiple plates, peri/menopause can induce huge emotional, physical and psychological changes. I’ve had clients who just want to run away. But when they start to prioritise their own needs, they come to understand that when you give from a place of strength rather than depletion, everyone benefits. Overwhelm is such a common experience for women going through peri/menopause, because so much feels out of their control, and there are so many demands on their time and energy. It’s imperative that women seek the information and support they need, and critically, take responsibility for not taking all the responsibility of others.

The full survey results are here.

For tickets for the National Menopause Summit in the 11th and 12th April are here and you can use the discount code NMS20 for €20 off until 12th March.

This is the Menopause Summit Youtube channel with new videos released every week from now until April from experts in everything from hormone health to sex, fitness to workplace supports.

I’ll be giving a break out talk on how to forget ageing gracefully, let’s age powerfully.

I want as many women as possible to take this opportunity (and others like it) to arm yourself for the battle of ageing in an age of anti ageing propaganda with facts, shared experiences and support so we can get on with the task of enjoying the uniqueness of this magnificent midlife, where women now trailblaze across all arenas of life, where women of any and all ages flood our TV and movie screens in all their valiance and vibrancy and we get to grab this midlife by the lovehandles in honour of all the women before us who never had this chance and all the women after us who need us to light the way.

I’d love to know your thoughts, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)

How to stop the menopausal madness

Provide fact-based information and support

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