Lessons in biology

(10 birthday lessons on life)

Feb 28, 2024

In the 1980’s, when I was a teenager and my mum was in her 50’s, the biggest crime she felt she could commit was to to stray into the desperate territory of “mutton dressed as lamb”. She would literally ask me if her outfit made her look too young.

Women were expected to age gracefully, fecked into the corner to knit, desexualised and devalued, once their primary purpose of rearing kids and supporting men to live their best lives was done. My mum was a fit, fun, glamorous woman who really suffered from a sense of irrelevance as she grew into a time that should have meant more freedom to explore her own needs, but instead was clouded with the cloak of invisibility. She felt discarded. Not by us (although I’m sure as my brother and I launched into our lives, she felt a natural sense of being left behind in the dust), but by society.

So much has changed in such a short space of time, with my generation entering the Age of Anti-Ageing propaganda and now afflicted with the impossible task of staying young, despite, you know, biology. With creams screaming at us from every shelf to stop doing the thing we’ve being doing since we were born, suddenly getting older was the crime. It’s like big bums: Sometimes they’re in and sometimes they’re out, and whole swathes of women feel diminished in the wake of some fashion diktat, at the mercy of a constant narrative on how women should be. Small bums, big boobs and now whether or not it’s ok to age. To quote every woman who has ever looked in the mirror and just hoped she could see herself without the filter of the fashion fascists, “For Fuck’s Sake!!”

I turned 54 at the weekend. A privilege despite that narrative telling me otherwise. An opportunity. An ongoing part of my evolution, and a reminder to celebrate life. Because it’s not always easy, life. It likes to have a laugh at you every now and then. For women in particular, in the mayhem of midlife, it can be relentlessly relentless, the ongoing responsibility for everyone and everything. And yet.

I can't tell you how happy I am to be here, still standing (occasionally dancing) feeling so grateful to be where I am (wherever that is), and so full of potential for what's ahead (and sadly, yes, this still includes laundry). Sure life hasn’t worked out exactly the way I thought it might… gay husband, divorce, single parenting, losing my mum too soon will do that for starters. But I could also never have imagined what I do have.

I can only imagine what my 14, 24 and even 34 year old selves would have thought about this age. They'd likely have thought I'd be devastated, simpering with sorrow as I retreated into the background to lance my witchy boils.

But by 44, I was beginning to change my tune. I was noticing that the whole definition of age, and midlife in particular, was being redefined. We have an extra two or three decades, to be living in midlife, not old age. There are women over the age of 40 still allowed on our TV screens! There are women in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70's redefining everything we’d been told about age. My coming of age Popstars of the 80’s and 90’s aren’t retreating into wrinkled heaps while men their age continue to gyrate. They continue to sing, and shine, and redefine, and grow and evolve. Women in politics, literature, sports, business, media, science, academia, research, space, taking, and keeping, their place.

By 44 I was also beginning to understand that not only is ageing a privilege, but an action. It isn't a passive activity, because as I say in my latest book, Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter: Who wants to age gracefully?

Instead let's age powerfully!

(I’ll be speaking about this at the National Menopause Summit taking place at Dublin’s Aviva Stadium on 11th and 12th April - tickets here).

So in celebration of reaching the ripe and fruity age of 54, I thought I'd share the ten gifts I've learned, adopted, experienced, decided and created in the last ten years that are helping me try to age powerfully.

1. Asking for help.

Total. Game. Changer. Being vulnerable made me stronger, understanding it's not all on my shoulders helped me shoulder my responsibilities better, and reaching out to improve my ability to manage my life, emotions and circumstances has given me life-changing, life-enhancing skills. A decade ago I was entering the worst year of my life as my marriage ended and my mum died. As a Perfectionist who saw her Independence and ‘strength’ as a badge of honour, I had to learn pretty damn quickly what a load of shite those platforms are when the shit really hits the fan. See next point.

2. Going into recovery for perfectionism.

Oh the relief! Now I'm all about progression, not perfection. It has opened up my life in so many ways, and I'm no longer bound by ridiculous standards and expectations that ruined my enjoyment of life. Well, most of the time anyway (progression, not perfection, remember? I’m always a work in progress and that is a liberation in itself).

3. Investing in my mind and emotional well-being.

Using coaching, therapy, personal development, curiosity, learning, reflecting, growing my knowledge of myself and how to navigate this world without imploding, and being honest and vulnerable when needs be (see 1&2) are now in my life-tool kit. Investing in my emotional well-being is now a life-long, non-negotiable practice. As I say to my coaching clients and remind myself regularly, when life feels hard, it’s usually because it is hard, so now ask, what do I need?

4. Investing in my body.

I might be an avocado advocate, but I'm not militant. I commit to eating a healthy balance of good food, along with healthy balance of treats that make me happy. The key has been to be really intentional and know what my body needs. Age powerfully means taking radical responsibility for knowing what you don’t know and then learning it. Evade fads but get real information. For women at midlife and entering peri-menopause this is as vital as hormones.

5. Investing in my health.

I'm peri-menopausal and I pay attention to what's happening in my body. I see a menopause specialist as well as have a GP and I advocate all women to do this. I spent my 20’s and 30’s trying to perfect the best Gin cocktail; now it’s about my hormone cocktail because they are withdrawing at an erratic rate which means your HRT will change constantly over perhaps a ten year period.

6. Investing in my fitness.

I'm not aiming for marathon-fit, but I'm intentional about what my body needs at this time in my life - strength training, flexibility and cardio so I walk a lot, do yoga and something my previous selves would NEVER have thought - go to the gym! I don’t have time to be militant and I’m a recovering perfectionist, so I don’t crucify myself with a rigid routine - I single parent three teenage girls and a business so my time is not always my own. It’s about the attitude rather than a fixed routine. Every day I must move in some way, whatever way that day allows (folding laundry doesn’t count mores the pity).

7. Having some fun!

It is so easy to become the practical person in everyone's life: the practical daughter looking after parents; the practical partner, the practical parent, the practical colleague. The moment I realised I could be practical AND playful changed everything. And frankly, I work bloody hard raising my three girls and working, so fun is essential to remind me I'm a human being, not just a human doing. This comes up a lot in my coaching and again, women in particular, may need to be much more proactive on this than they think.

8. Dancing.

I don't meant dancing in my kitchen, although I do love this too (see points 3, 4, 6 and 7). I mean the dance between self-acceptance and self-improvement. Accepting who, how, where I am in all the good, bad and ugly of life, so that I can enjoy every day of my life, while striving to improve myself in ways that will make my life better, bolder, and brighter. It means mattering more in my own midlife… not taking myself for granted. It means accepting where I am and how I got here, and always choosing who I am and how I am evolving. Sounds great, and in practise it means trying to show up for myself every day even when grumpy, tired and overwhelmed. Even if it’s a kind word to myself or taking five minutes to journal, or getting up that 10 minutes earlier to do some morning yoga. On better days it’s being curious about my thoughts and where they came from, curious as to why I’m feeling or behaving a certain way and is there a better thought or way?, being intentional about my energy and my actions. Anything, to not stagnate.

9. Choosing love.

First and foremost with myself. But also as an intentional decision for those around me. Love is a verb. It requires work (“what’s new?” says you). Our brain is wired to be vigilant and play out worst-case scenario… to think we are being wronged and slighted. Choosing love means trying (trying, not always succeeding) to find the person behind the behaviour. Especially with myself.

10. Respecting, loving and cheering for my future selves.

I've developed a very dynamic relationship with my future selves... be that my future self of later today, next week, next year or my 64 year old self in ten years. When I start to forget the nine lessons above, I remember how my past selves felt when I did that, and now I care too much for future me to ruin her life.

My life is still very much a work in progress... and I hope it always will be. At 54 I get to say stuff now like "I know things." This is what I know: Investing in yourself now, even with small changes, will have a profound impact on the rest of your life and future you.

Decide how to invest in you every day - setting boundaries, understanding what you need, and living in a way that enriches you (even when life is really hard) is how you will age, live, love and grow powerfully.

I’d love to know your thoughts, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)

Lessons in biology

(10 birthday lessons on life)

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