Midlife Musings... Interview with Esther Nagle, an Alcohol Coach.

"I like myself, and feel more beautiful now than I ever did when I was younger, and I am personally delighted to be the age I am - it means I survived when I maybe didn’t expect I would!"

“I spent years thinking that I needed alcohol in order to have fun and to be happy, when in reality the opposite was true.”

Every few weeks I post an interview with an inspiring midlifer on topics ranging from beliefs, goals and habits, to food, mood and mojo; from sex, success and style, to fitness, health and hormones, from sleep, skin and hair to career, change and challenges and a bit of whatever else you fancy that affects us women at midlife.

This is Esther Nagle, a sober, single mother with ADHD from the South Wales valleys.  She is a keen hiker and newbie runner, loves to be outside in nature, and to be moving her body. She’s a folk rock chick with arms full of tattoos, and loves going to see live music at gigs and festivals, and dance like no one is watching even in the aisles of Lidl.

This is a scary subject for me. As I navigate dry January, I’m really intrigued about the mindgames I have going on in my head. I am taking a very reluctant look at how alcohol plays a role in my life, because, well, I love it. So I’m warily watching how so many women in midlife are making the decision to cut back or cut it out. I want to have a better relationship with alcohol without making any changes. There I said it. So this subject is interesting to me. I’ll actually be exploring this topic in next week’s post as I come to end of my dry month and plan for a damp, rather than wet February.

So here’s Esther's thoughts on alcohol, ADHD and fun in the sun.

Hi Esther, why do you do what you do?

I discovered that sobriety is the pathway to joyful, meaningful living after 20 years of thinking alcohol was my saviour, and I love to see others discover the joys of sober living for themselves. In my work as a recovery and wellbeing coach, I support midlife misfits to find peace and joy without alcohol.

What’s the best bit of advice you wish you’d been given sooner?

Get an ADHD test. Getting my diagnosis in 2019 was a game changer and started to transform my relationship with myself. Although I had already done a lot of healing and self forgiveness as part of my recovery journey by this point, the ADHD diagnosis was the answer to the questions I didn’t even know I had been asking. It made sense of everything that I had ever struggled with my whole life, and allowed me to let go of the idea that I was broken, flawed and a failure. 

What would you tell your 20 year old self?

You’re not broken, you’re not hopeless, your brain works differently than people expect it to and you’re actually amazing. One day, you will understand what is going on inside your head, and when you do, you’re going to be so happy. In the meantime, talk to Mum, share your problems with her. She won’t understand it all, and that’s ok, just let her help you, don’t make any big decisions without talking to her first. And BE HONEST about what’s going on.

(If I could go back and tell my 20 year old self that, my life would look so different, I might not be talking about recovery and sobriety!) 

What must have happened, or for you to have experienced or achieved that hasn’t yet, that you’d look back at 99 and say “Yes!”.

Personally, I’d like to live in Portugal. I’ve never even been there, but ever since I learned about the approach they take to drugs and how they support people with addiction, I feel that it is the place for me. It seems to be run more in alignment with my values than the UK ever has. Plus, the weather is so much nicer than South Wales! 

Professionally, I would love to write more books, and for my ideas and experiences to help more people than I could possibly reach individually. I wrote one book, and that was incredible, but there is a lot more I want to say, and lots of it is very different now.

Tell us one of the toughest things you’ve gone through and what you learned as a result.

My mother’s illness and death in 2022 changed my life forever, as a mother’s death does to us all. My relationship with my mother has been a complex one, and we didn’t always get on, but after my brother died in 2005, we became close and healed a lot of the issues between us. When she got sick at the end of 2021, it felt like my world was collapsing in on me, and watching her decline was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But there was a beauty in it as well… the way our relationship continued to evolve… the way that the lingering issues vanished and all that was left was love, the way I was able to care for her and repay all the care she had shown me through my life, and the profound sanctity in supporting her and being with her at the end will stay with me forever. 

It also allowed me to find even more reasons for gratitude for my sobriety. Had I been drinking in that final year of her life, it would have been so very different, and I would have made it all so much harder for her and the rest of my family.

What is your “guilty” pleasure (but we’re not doing guilt because guilt is a wasted emotion and we all need to own our shit, so what is your secret sauce that always makes you feel better)? 

Watching my favourite comedy shows time and time again!

What are you tolerating in your life right now, or what are you working on that you’d like to improve?

In my personal life, I would love to be able to declutter my home and create a more spacious, calmer home for my son and I to live in. 

And in my professional life, I am tolerating not earning enough, and I am determined that 2024 is the year that is going to change, and that I will be able to give my son and I a great life while making a real impact in the lives of the people I know I can help.

What’s the hardest thing to balance in your life right now? 

Being a self employed single mother with ADHD brings a world of problems in this respect! My attention is easily swayed by the shiny object and idea, especially when I am supposed to be doing something that is hard or boring! So probably if I could balance having the ideas with actually making the ideas happen, that would be awesome!  

If you could wave a midlife magic wand, what you most wish for for women today?

For ageing to be celebrated as the gift it is, and not to be feared and fought. We don’t need to try to look like we’re 20 when we’re in our 50s. Being older gives us wisdom, experience and beauty that we don’t have when we’re young. The fact that older women are so ignored and made to feel ashamed of their ageing harms us all, not only as individuals, but for society as a whole. I like myself, and feel more beautiful now than I ever did when I was younger, and I am personally delighted to be the age I am - it means I survived when I maybe didn’t expect I would!

What matters most in your own midlife?

Staying healthy. I love to keep active and fit, and to feel strong and healthy. I think after years of treating my body so badly, I want to know that I am doing my best to heal the damage I might have caused and that I am giving myself the best chance of healthy ageing. It also does wonders for my confidence…. I’m far more sure of myself now that I am in my 50s than I ever was when I was young and didn’t need to try so hard to stay fit!

What is a midlife mantra you try to live by?

“I’m a fucking warrior!” 

For so many years I thought I was broken, and a failure. I felt weak, and hopeless.  I still have many moments when I feel like I’m failing, and when I notice I am falling into self criticism, I like to remind myself that I am not. The most memorable time I used this phrase was after a family court hearing, that was the culmination of a long, vicious battle with my child’s father. As I walked home from my mother’s after a much needed cup of tea and debrief, I found myself reflecting on all the ways I had fought for my son, and I found myself saying this out loud with delight. I often remind myself of that, and love to channel my inner warrior. I even got my friend to create a portrait of me as The Morrigan, The Irish Warrior Goddess! 

What would you like to share about the work you do and why it’s important for women in midlife?

I spent years thinking that I needed alcohol in order to have fun and to be happy, when in reality the opposite was true. Alcohol is marketed as relaxing, good for social interaction, and an essential part of any fun plans, but the reality is that it stresses the body, acts as a depressant and will interfere with any anti depressant medication you might be taking, can actively harm relationships and harms mental and physical health. When you also throw in midlife, the empty calories also become harder to fight, and it makes menopause harder to bear. 

But the commonly held narratives about addiction, recovery and sobriety are hugely disempowering. I got sober by realising not that I was powerless over an addiction or a substance, but that I was powerful enough to change my life. I then learned that far from the boring, fun free life that society wants us to think it will be, sobriety leads to a far richer, more fun, more meaningful life than I ever imagined possible. Alcohol doesn’t end boredom, it numbs it. Sobriety allows you to truly feel life in all its joys and pain. And to remember it all with clear memories afterwards!

Esther can be found at Website redshoesrecovery.com

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Details of my own book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter can be found here!

For more details on redefining your midlife, please visit my website www.themidlifecoach.org