My midlife urgency

What I’m done wasting time on

My birthday desert….. not wasting time worrying about the calories in that!

I’m starting over today at the tender age of 56. My birthday yesterday marked the first year without a card or call from a parent. That is just a beat in life to pause for a moment. It’s also the first year that two of my girls are old enough to be lashing into the bubbles at my birthday dinner! Life is always changing, isn’t it?

Recognising the changes means a sense of starting over. Women in midlife are starting over all the time. Life shifts quietly and then all at once. Every new birthday, season or change is a chance to reboot a little. The risk is that we are often too busy juggling all the plates to take notice that one or more can be put down (or someone else can wash it!).

The good thing about starting over in midlife is that you’re not starting from nothing. You’re not starting again. You bring what you want with you and leave behind what you don’t - like I’m doing this week getting a skip and clearing out the remnants of another life from my back garden - the shed still filled with my ex-husband’s “stuff” that I never use, the greenhouse I’d bought him that lies in ruins, and a trampoline now rusting after being outgrown by teens.

It’s a chance to redefine what’s important.

A clearing.

An editing.

A choosing.

And this birthday has brought me something I didn’t expect. I feel an urgency I haven’t felt before. Not in a desperate “how can I be THIS old?” way. But in a knowing way. I definitely have more time behind me than ahead. So I have an urgency upon me, not just for the things that I want to do. I’m at another new phase of my life with fifteen years of parent care over, and my kids slowly but surely gaining an independence that is leaving me feeling slightly giddy with anticipation.

What I’m really mulling over in this urgency is: what would I like less of?

I think it’s so important for midlife women to ask ourselves this. With a sense of urgency (but not panic or sadness!) what would you like to stop wasting your time on? What is taking up too much mental and emotional time and energy that won’t actually make your life or sense of self feel any better in the long run?

Less head-wrecking

Firstly for me, that’s too much soul-sucking thinking - the annoyances, frustrations, worries that take up an investment of energy I never get a return on.

So as I try to waste less time on these things this means:

Either make a decision or get advice, rather than spend hours and weeks worrying about something without an answer.

It means putting a boundary in place rather than perpetually saying yes and then feeling resentful or saying no and feeling guilty.

It means letting go of old harms and hurts rather than holding onto resentment and wasting my time on things that are over.

It means taking action over rumination. That is my starting over vibe.

It really means proactively choosing empowering, useful thoughts over the ones that come from a patriarchal dungeon that make me feel guilty when I’ve done nothing wrong, make me people please when I want to please myself, or make me a perfectionist when good enough is good enough.

Less hijacking

Secondly, I want less of is interruptions and unexpected demands on my time. I used to think all I wanted was more alone time. I was desperate for space. For so long my body and time have belonged to other people so being alone was the only mental, physical and emotional space I could imagine getting.

I love my alone time so yes, I’ll take an extra couple of hours. But actually what I’m really missing is being around people but also being able to have autonomy of my emotional bandwidth. That means I can enjoy company without always feeling at the mercy of their needs.

For me to sit quietly and read a book while my daughter reads hers. Together but quuuuiiiiiiiieeeeeeettttt. To be able to plan a Sunday afternoon and not have it sabotaged by a rogue request for a lift (and then fight the guilt if I say no and the resentment if I say yes because of people pleasing).

To not have my energy hijacked by the expectations of others.

This requires two things: me asking for what I want (or communicate an expectation) and me setting clearer boundaries. Less getting annoyed and frustrated and more boundaries and articulation of my needs.

It reminds me of a time when my kids were younger and my weekends were logistical nightmares of trying to get everyone to where they needed or wanted to be, while also getting everything done I needed to do. So - being a coach an’ all - one weekend after nearly throwing myself out the bathroom window in despair, I decided to create a system. Like all good family systems, it invoked a white board and coloured markers.

I made two columns: The Needs Column and The Wants Column. Down the left I had all our names. Each Friday we would list our needs - football match to get to, party lift, birthday present to buy, food shop, house clean etc. Then we’d list the wants - a lift to see a pal, new shoes, an hour to myself (me!).

And we would start to piece it all together, starting with the needs, and then seeing where we could fit in the wants. It meant sometimes someone had to leave earlier to accommodate a need and a want. Or someone would take one of my chores to free up time to get a need met. And when they saw it as a jigsaw rather than a game of “Expect Everything of Mum without any Consideration of What’s possible or Fair” they comprised and accommodated. (And I didn’t get my hour to read hijacked by a random unsuspecting request for a lift).

I have wasted so much time being angry at people and then when they come through the door reverting to my kind, generous, loving person; but I’ve wasted all of that time being resentful and annoyed.

Because we women were told anger wasn’t a good look on us, we internalise it, instead of simply seeing it as the sign that something isn’t right. It tells us that a boundary has been broken or that something needs to change.

I don’t have time to waste anymore not acting on the anger - not in an aggressive angry way where I talk to the wall like Shirley Valentine - but actually in a way that makes my life better. A No. A boundary. An articulation of my needs.

That’s the key to moving forward now for me: to take action on feelings and thoughts that upset me or waste my time rather than just let them live rent-free in my body and mind.

Less worrying about having it all sorted

One last thing this urgency is making me throw in the Skip of Midlife. I want to make plans and be intentional about the things I want. But….. I don’t have to have it all figured out. Despite trying so hard, I’ve never been able to have it all figured out and I’ve done ok. More than ok. (Well, ok…..I married a gay man…. but you know. On the whole).

Not having it all figured out is human.

Not having all your ducks in a row is life (the key is to be as intentional about your ducks as possible, but they may never get in a row).

Not getting stressed about the uncertainty of it all is better than being certain being stressed about an issue is the best way to solve it.

I don’t know exactly what my financial future looks like.

I don’t know if the love of my life is Keanu Reeves or some man who wears socks with sandals but makes my mind and body sing.

I don’t know if my girls will always be happy. (in fact, I already know at times they won’t - and so instead of worrying, I can take emotional ease in knowing my job is not to prevent it, but to hold them when it comes).

There is so much I don’t know. So much I have yet to learn. And that is ok.

At the age of 56 I know the point is never to “arrive” and be offered a welcome cocktail and finally stop. The point is to keep becoming in all the highs and lows that will take, and focus on what I can control: my health, my community, my experiences, my emotional wellbeing and where I spend my mental and emotional energy.

The goal is not just to live, but to feel alive as much as possible. And get out of my head and into my living.

So what are you throwing in your own Midlife Skip? (if you are reading this in email just reply to the comments button below).

And .... this time next month!!! You could be joining me on my 4 day coaching adventure to Marrakech for Soul & Spice. The sun is shining, the luxury desert camp is simmering and the Riad is ready to host us….. last 2 places if you want an adventure inside and out!

And if you’d like a little daily prompt to keep you connected to yourself, you can still join my Illuminate 2026 year long adventure (the year starts when you do).

And as always, I’m here if you ever need a little extra support - all my coaching options are on my website www.alanakirk.com