The voice in your head is an asshole
Hello!
This is going to be a short one (and late) for three reasons…
It’s a week of workshops and my brain is glitching.
Apparently I talk too much (well, write too much on my website), so I’m practising brevity - let’s see how I do!
You are likely overwhelmed with all your to-do’s and shoulds and musts and sometimes you just want a short sharp slap to wake you up out of your relentless reverie of rushing around being busy without being.
So consider this your slap.
That relentless reverie? It’s because the voice in your head is an asshole.
Really, it is. According to feminist writer and journalist Elizabeth Renzetti who brilliantly opens her fierce book Shrewed with an essay called "The Voice in Your Head is an Asshole’ anyway.
The voice in most of our heads is an asshole.
Because women were trained to put everyone else first.
Women were trained to be good and pleasing and so when we want to be “bad” (ie prioritise ourselves) but don’t and then become resentful, our asshole voice tells us to shut up and stop complaining.
Because women were trained to give and give and give, and also be generous and kind and beautiful and smart and sometimes you just want to lie facedown in a bag of Doritos but your asshole voice tells you you’re a slovenly slut so GET UP and hoover behind the sofa where no-one sees.
The voice in your head isn’t you. Let’s call her Pam (apologies to all the Pam’s reading this.). Prissy Pam. Or Bitchy Beth. Or Critical Cathy. She’s rude, radically judgemental and does not believe you should have any fun. God forbid you sit down. In fact, she thinks god does forbid you because he is god of the patriarchy and a woman who rests is a threat to civilisation. If she rests, her brain might settle and then she might get notions. Best to keep her thinking busy is best.
She’s not you but she rules your roost. She slaps your bitch. She knows you are young at heart but she has strict rules about not wearing a bikini after 40.
She knows you have ambitions (for more, or maybe less) but she has tight controls around how much time you can sit and read a book.
She knows you know it’s all a bit too much but she has deeply passionate pointers on how nice you’re supposed to be.
She does not want you to speak up and she most definitely does not want you To. Make. A. Fuss. Don’t be silly. Don’t be sassy. Smile and keep the “fuck you’s” to a minimum.
The voice in your head can be a real asshole at times - because it’s not your voice. It’s outdated social narratives that do not serve you (but everyone else), it is disgruntled complaints from a weary parent or a bored teacher from decades ago, she is the mean comments from ex boyfriends (or girlfriends). They all amalgamate in your amygdala (the part of your brain that processes emotions, especially fear, anxiety and aggression that triggers a reactive mode. If you can bypass the amygdala by asking Prissy Pam or Bitchy Beth to not butt in right now, you can respond better with your own voice. Make your own choice.
Thankfully mine is much less an asshole that it used to be. I have retrained her to be more of a coach than a critic. More of a friend than a foe. And more funny than fuming.
It takes practise, but as I’ve written before many time… you can’t believe the first thought in your head. So now you know why. She’s an asshole.
Don’t let her wreck your week. Take what you need. Ask for what you want. Don’t be an asshole to yourself. And if you can, remember to move away from an asshole monologue and instead have a dialogue invested in you.
If you feel you want some help with not listening to the asshole in your head, one powerful hour to just explore where you’re at and how can you make it all feel a little easier might do the trick. Details of my Breakthrough Empower Hour are here. (10% discount for my paid subscribers).
And as always, this is available for everyone to read, so for my paid subscribers (thank you so much - your support keeps this newsletter going, because it takes time and energy each week) I will send you a little exercise to help you listen less to the asshole in your head.
Just email me at alana@alanakirk.com and when you’ve done it, you can send it back and I’ll give you some feedback (feel free to ask questions or ask for specific support in an area) to try to move you forward. I’ll do this each week for paid subscribers.
Please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.) And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it!
Instagram @midlifecoach