Why I'm a 'damp' drinker
Midlife and alcohol - does it have to be either/ or?
Hello everyone, and as always thank you for being here. I write this every week and sometimes it feels really hard amid the mayhem of work and life. I don’t do enough to “promote” it and so it can languish is despair waiting for me to make my words find some viral velocity. And then I get an email or a message: a couple of lines of “thank you, this touched me”. A breathless paragraph on how she’s read it three times because “that’s exactly how I feel!” And sometimes its an outpouring, a bleeding of pain or lostness that has been triggered by something I’ve written and just to get it out, just to press send and share back to me is an act of rebellious healing. And those emails and messages - 99% private and not in comments because they are so personal - keep me writing, languishing no more. So thank you.
This week I’m sharing a topic it took me courage to write about last year - my relationship with alcohol. That piece prompted several media and podcast interviews and so I’m sharing this interview that has been promoted again today on the My Menopause Centre socials in case you are also reassessing your midlife marriage with wine.
I hate being told what to do, so “dry January’ was never going to be my thing. I also hate extremes and denying myself the simple pleasures in life - there is way too much laundry and hoovering for that. So I used my coaching principles - to alway be curious and then intentional - to find the relationship on my terms. Not dry. But not the tsunami of old. A damp compromise. A sort of Friends with benefits approach. Not a marriage, but not a one night stand either.
Here is the link and I’m putting the text below in case it helps you figure out how to build the relationship (or not) with alcohol that works for you.
https://www.mymenopausecentre.com/blog/cutting-back-on-alcohol-has-transformed-my-wellbeing-in-the-menopause/
Drinking less alcohol has transformed my wellbeing in the menopause
For Alana Kirk, a G&T or glass of wine had become a default Friday fix and go-to companion. But with alcohol exacerbating her night sweats, sleep problems and more, the 54-year-old from Dublin knew it was time to cut back – and it’s changed her life for the better.
As told to Alex Davies
‘When it comes to my past relationship with alcohol, I didn’t know I was in one. I grew up in the 1970s, and then worked in PR in London in the ’90s, so drinking was such a normal part of life. It was a given, really, and not something I ever questioned.
Over the years, it became a no brainer to have a gin and tonic at 6pm on a Friday or to open a bottle of wine in front of a film. Sunshine equalled rosé and I loved going out for drinks with friends. Alcohol was also very much a companion during difficult times in my life, including the end of my marriage. It was part of ‘me time’ and switching off.
It was when my daughters – now 18, 17 and 13 – started to encounter alcohol in their own lives that I began to reassess its role in mine and what messages I was sending them. On the one hand, I was saying ‘please don’t go out and get drunk’ while, on the other, there I was with a proud collection of 26 small batch gins.
Plus, I was wrangling with perimenopause symptoms at the same time, including disrupted sleep, anxiety and brain fog. My entire thermostat changed, as I went from wearing socks in bed and using a heated blanket to practically breaking into a night sweat if I even looked at a sheep! And, yes, alcohol exacerbated all of these.
I experienced heart palpitations, too – which I didn’t realise can happen during menopause – especially the day after drinking. Not only did hangovers suddenly seem worse, but they were more unpredictable; I could have two or three glasses and be fine or feel terrible after just one. With all this in mind, I decided it was time to redefine this decades-long relationship and to become a more mindful drinker.
As an author, speaker and coach working with women in midlife, I encourage clients to look at their mindset before actually changing a habit or behaviour. So, for me, the first step was observing and journalling about my approach to alcohol. I’d notice if I finished a bottle just because it was open or just because it was Friday; I’d tune into patterns and triggers. It became more and more apparent that sometimes I drank without even thinking about it.
In early 2023, I was invited onto a TV show to be interviewed about my work, so I did my first Dry January to feel my absolute best for that. And I really enjoyed how much better I felt! One challenge was missing the ritual of having a drink, but an alcohol-free gin in a nice glass turned out to be a good alternative.
I did my second Dry January this year, but ultimately my goal has always been to find a “damp” destination. One where I haven’t broken up with alcohol completely, but I’m not marrying it either. Where I’m not denying myself, but also not drinking as a default and without intention.
Now, I’m in a place where I don’t drink at all during the week. On weekends, if I have the kids, I’ll either not drink or only have a glass or two. If it’s just me and I have a friend over, we’ll have a bottle of bubbles and perhaps a bottle of wine; I’ve no problem with that. Agency is a massive value of mine, so I put myself in the driving seat and ask, ‘do I want to drink tonight? Why?’ Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no. Sometimes it’s ‘I’ll have one but not another’. Those questions just weren’t on my mind before.
Since cutting back, I’m sleeping better, I have more clarity and energy, I’ve lost weight. I feel more alive. Oh, the joy of not waking up with a Saturday hangover! My night sweats seem to have improved, too. This is in conjunction with HRT – I spent my 20s and 30s trying to find the right gin cocktail, and my 40s and 50s have been about the right HRT cocktail!
Change takes time, but feeling better gives me so much momentum. Finding other ways to treat myself has been a game changer, whether it’s yoga stretches with the sun on my skin or relaxing in the garden with a tonic and lime. I’ve also joined a twice-weekly weights training class to boost my muscle and bone strength. The better and stronger I feel with that, the easier it is to say no to an “emergency” glass of wine.
When I do drink, I’ll go for quality over quantity and really take the time to enjoy it. You can also get some nice low-alcohol options and pre-made cans, which help with portion control – I like the brand Ramona. I still look forward to going out with friends, but near the end of a recent night out, for example, I ordered a sparkling water instead of another glass of wine. One friend and I have also started playing tennis in lieu of our default wine night, which is so much fun.
One of the biggest things has been the relationship with my dad. Having wine together was just always what we did, and I feared it wouldn’t be the same if I wasn’t drinking. But he doesn’t care in the slightest – realising that was huge for me.
I probably can’t see a future where I won’t drink at all, but who knows? It’s about being open and choosing the route that works for you. Now, here I am – a yoga-practising, weightlifting, responsible-drinking woman that I wasn’t at 40. I’ve changed a decades-in-the-making default mechanism by becoming more intentional with alcohol, and I’m pretty stoked about that.’
And if you want to really build those curiosity and intentional muscles, how about coming with me for a four day coaching adventure to Marrakech this November? If you fancy getting away but not retreating (because it's time to move forward!) join me for Soul & Spice, an adventure that will delight your five senses and ignite your sixth sense - your sense of self. One night in the desert under the stars (in a very glam tent!) and two nights in our own Kasbah... this is an adventure with coaching, connection and camaraderie. You'll leave empowered, inspired and emboldened with a new joy de vie.
This is a pause with purpose.
It’s designed to help you:
✦ Reawaken your five senses in one of the world’s most vibrant cities
✦ Reconnect with your sixth sense – your inner voice, your spark
✦ Reclaim your sense of self through powerful group coaching
All the details are here.
And if you fancy one powerful hour with me to figure out your next brave steps details of my Breakthrough Empower Hour are here. (10% discount for my paid subscribers).
Please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.) And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it!
Its nice to see a balanced article on this topic! I too have cut back but I still very much enjoy moderate drinking. Its definitely more about quality over quantity.
Reading my journals from a few years back, about the time I was quitting my job and deep into my "reinvention," I am stunned by how much and how prominently alcohol (white wine and Vermont IPAs) plays a role in my story. Worse during the pandemic. It's only recently (when I wanted to lose weight for my son's wedding last fall) that I began a reckoning that has also landed me in a "damp" place. 2-4 drinks a week instead of every day, but I wonder .... How the habit became so deeply embedded by a lifestyle, personality, brand we've been sold. Even Chat GPT suggested I reward myself with a glass of wine!! Was that because I am a middle-aged woman, a wine mom or whatever the trope? Great conversation for us to be having Alana! Thanks for sharing your story.