You do too much.

A Tirade about your Triad of Turmoil

Alana Kirk

Apr 10, 2024

You do too much.

You do.

I do.

Most women do.

Partly because we are generally, kind, decent, generous people with an extra dollop of oxytocin, the cuddle (nurturing) hormone. But we also come with a hefty side dish of conditioning, the outdated patriarchal posturing that a women’s main role in life is to not just give life, but also then give of her own life in the service and care of others. There seems to be a societal, if not scientific, perception that coming equipped with a vagina means you automatically don’t mind doing everything for everyone.

This has served society for millennia - until the the last couple of decades when women were suddenly allowed near the world of work, sport, academia and arts; worlds previously forbidden lest our hysterical tendencies broke the controls.

The greatest human advancement of the last century has been to start educating the other half of the population. We were suddenly told we could have it all, but ended up doing it all, and now the greatest threat women face is to their mental and emotional wellbeing: burnout, overwhelm, stress (scientific fact).

As the midlife coach, I spend a lot of my time hailing the amazing opportunities this unique generation of midlife women have - these extra 20 or 30 years of younger living before old age; the unprecedented freedoms, choices and chances previous generations could never have imagined. But they also come with unprecedented pressures and unrealistic expectations.Those amazing opportunities haven’t replaced the previous societal norm of women minding the men and family while men worked; they have come alongside it. Sometimes the new order usurps the old order, but sometimes it overlaps.

This means that midlife women are at our most busy, juggling multiple care roles and responsibilities, while competing in the male structure of a vertical career ladders without the support they need, all while going through seismic changes to our physiological bodies and emotional wellbeing from pregnancy and fertility issues, to child birth and rearing, to peri-menopause and menopause.

It’s a lot.

Which means we have to try and be really proactive about tipping the scales in our favour from the past conditioning, outdated versions and constant narrative about how a women should look, behave and be, versus learning to listen to our own voices and choosing ourselves as we evolve as humans through a lifetime of learning, losing, laughing and loving.

The Triad of Turmoil

We aren’t always responsible for the first thought in our head - the one that tells us we’re too old, or too much, or not enough, or not worthy of being paid properly, or we ‘shouldn’t’ wear a bikini after 45 (yes there are actually magazine articles that say this). That’s because that first thought isn’t ours, but the pernicious whisperings of the Triad of Turmoil: people pleasing, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome which are so deep rooted they roll off our thinking without thought.

Tipping the scales in your favour means you take responsibility for the second and subsequent thoughts. You’ll hear the thought that you ‘should’ do it all for everyone and not create the space and time for something that fulfils and nourishes you, but you understand it’s just the white noise of that dying despot: the previous societal norm of 2000 years, and then you retrieve your sense of self to develop the second thought that will serve you better. That way we all help to redefine the norms and create a world in which women - starting with each of us - see ourselves as a whole person to care for and be responsible for first, before we care and feel responsible for all others.

The triad of turmoil is a slippery snake, alwys shape-shifting, and sometimes one aspect will dominate more than the others.

You’re stepping up or out of your comfort zone? Imposter syndrome will run at you, all guns blazing.

You’re trying to juggle everything and desperately need to just get stuff done so you can do something for yourself? Perfectionism will get on your back and drive you into the ground.

Feel the indignant burn of resentment that you feel trapped into doing something that sets you off course from your own needs and you question yourself? People Pleasing will punish you with three scoops of guilt and a dollop of shame.

I used to think being overwhelmed was normal. That it was the right of passage for wanting a fulfilling career, a family and some sort of life. And it’s that ‘myth of normal’ as Gabor Maté talks about that is so damaging.

As a recovering perfectionist, I try really hard to find the balance between ‘standards’ and sanity, but it will always be a part of me. As is people pleasing. Especially as a single mum to three kids… I really astonish myself - not in how much they ask of me, but how much I can’t say no to because I’m afraid they won’t love me. (There’s a good few euro’s worth of therapy there to have written that last line).

Imposter syndrome shows up too, and of course always at the worst times, but I feel more able to shake that one. People pleasing is my burden, now that I’ve chipped away at the perfectionism. I am getting better at remembering that I’m not always responsible for this first thoughts that whisper insidiously in my ear that I should do more, that the laundry isn’t done well enough, that the kitchen isn’t clean enough, that I’m a failure because I haven’t painted the front of the house, that I’m a bad mum because I desperately enjoy and seek time alone, that I’m a terrible mum for resenting all the need sometimes.

Those first thoughts aren’t mine. They belong to the white noise that doesn’t serve me. I have to fight for my own voice to push through, to the one that says good enough is good enough. That I’m not too much, I’m just right. That I’m not not enough, I’m just right. But that there is always room for self-awareness and improvement.

I see this with so many of the women I coach - crushed by the weight of this old version, while trying to make their way through this new version. As I always tell them, and myself:

When it feels hard, it’s usually because it is hard,

but now ask yourself, what do I need?

We are the generation of women to redefine midlife and there is so much to celebrate as I talk about in a TV interview I gave last week in the video below. We are the trailblazers for the next generations… and that means we have to understand that our society is still shifting from the old version to the new, and that many of us will not be responsible for our first thoughts that are driven by the people pleasing, perfectionism and / or imposter syndrome.

Empowering yourself, and others.

There is an extra price to pay for women other than the increase in burnout, overwhelm and stress. We disempower the people around us by doing everything for everyone; our partners, our kids, our colleagues. I know how conflicted I can be around my teenagers….I want to fix everything for them so they don’t suffer in any way, but my second thought reminds me that that thinking doesn’t release independent, resilient, confident adults into the world. This comes up with so many of my clients - they are exhausted and defeated by the sheer overwhelm of their lives, and when I dig deep with them, we can find a whole range of areas that they have stepped over the ‘enough’ line, where they are being driven by some or all parts of the Triad of Turmoil, and I try to help them see the more they do, the more they disempower their partner in home-care, their siblings in parent-care, their kids in life-skills.

So let’s tip the scales in our favour, let’s realise the why the Triad of Turmoil exists, why we mustn’t always listen to our first thought and why we must trailblaze ahead to take advantage of this amazing, unique, redefined midlife. This is an interview I did last week on the RTE Today show on how we redefine midlife.

I’d love to know how you think you respond to the Triad of Turmoil, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)

You do too much.

A Tirade about your Triad of Turmoil

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