Are you getting younger in midlife?

(Why Kamala just made 59 young)

Aug 01, 2024

Watching sunset in Donegal, realising while I’ve aged, I’ve gotten younger.

Something is happening.

Something is shifting.

Something is finally washing over the perverse patriarchal idea that women are meant to disappear when we reach a certain age.

That something is a wonderful wave of recognition and optimism around ageing - and the possibilities that exist now for women.

Up until fairly recently, women used to be ‘disappeared’ after a certain age. It offended the sensibilities of youth and older men (because age is not a thing for them apparently), and so women needed to be removed from our TV screens, kitted out with sensible shoes and sent off to ‘retire’ in Florida (as were the Golden Girls who were all in their EARLY 50’s! - the same age now as the Sex in the City gals now still fabulous, smart, sexy and thriving in their later version series, And Just Like That.)

This reality has been happening for a long while now as women refuse to disappear and continue to appear, re-emerge, or transform through their midlives, but as ever it takes much longer for the social zeitgeist to catch up.

Even those shouty creams that were smacking women in the face when they step into a chemist have retreated in the realisation that women do not actually want to be told to “anti-age” given that you know, it’s biology. There is a resistance now to the constant battery of bullshit telling us our only value is in the tautness of our skin or the usefulness of our ovaries.

Women in their 50’s and onwards are not retreating or disappearing or being told where to sit, thank you. Women are discovering the possibilities. Our potential. Our power.

At the heart of my work as a writer and a coach for women in midlife, is the fact that we are the generations to be redefining womanhood, and midlife.

We have an extra 20/30 years of life expectancy to be lived in a decades long midlife, not old age. We are having a whole new lease of life after the first leap into adulthood, no longer redefined and defined by the role of mother / nurturer that was the only role that was allowed to define us. Now, we can still be this, not be this, not be stigmatised by not doing this…. And still have the possibility to be anything else we want as well / instead / after.

There are so many examples now of women taking up space and earning their place in every area of life - science, arts, business, politics, academia, but the exciting one right now is Kamala Harris who at 59 is being hailed as a spring chicken.

A spring chicken!

And so she should. Having done so much already, she has so much more to give, as do most women who are discovering they are still very much in the prime of their lives. I went back to college in my late 40’s and have had a whole new career. So many of my clients are redefining who they are and what they want at this age and stage, tearing up the patriarchal, ageist, sexist playbook and redefining what is possible. And to quote Harris, “we’re not going back!”

So let’s just sit with that for a minute. At 59, Kamala is being hailed as the youthful energy (not negating this is in relation to two older men, it still feels sensationally shocking.)

When my mum was 59 in 1995, she was totally negated by society. She saw no female newsreaders over the age of 30 on her TV, the Golden Girls was a roaring success, it was de rigour for any famous man (and many non-famous) to have traded their first wives in for a newer, younger models, Benny Hill was on the telly where, like most shows, women were either young and sexy, or old hags. There was no definition of character of a women growing and evolving and wanting. Wanting more back for the effort she put in. Being smart and sexy. Being capable and charismatic. Women where one dimensional support characters, and when their main role was complete, sent off, side exit.

So with Kamala entering the US Presidential race and being seen as the younger generation at 59, of being seen as a breath of fresh energy is exciting to watch. That she comes with experience, so this is not the posturing that youth is best -this is the public reality that women now have so much to give, to offer, to learn, to experience, to redefine.

I wrote in my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter, that we have to stop the pseudo posturing that 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. No they’re fucking not!

50 is the new 50! Redefined and powerful.

And as Kamal Harris is showing, 59 is the most potent, powerful, full of possibility 59 in history for women.

And while we’re here then, let’s talk about the cats. I personal am a crazy cat lady, a dog woman, a single mum - external definitions that do not actually define me at all. They are part of the varied versions of me that make up the multi-dimensional character of me…. As every women has. As we are ageing powerfully we reject the one-dimensional definitions of us and demand to be seen, and heard, and loved for our layers.

After the crazy cat women comments, the conversation has steered to the fact that so many women who have made it to the top - be that politics, literature, science and business - have done so because they didn’t have children.

The conversation that’s missing is not that they are crazy and chose to be childless because they’re cold hearted, ambitious (make sure you say that word dripping in scathing sneering) women… but perhaps we should ask a better question: how many other women would be making it that far if society provided the right supports to give women the equity they need to ‘have it all’ like men do - careers and families?

The narrative around women needs to stop. Full stop. Equity means not being dictated to about who and how we should be. It’s about allowing women to be as free as men - to get married, not get married; to have kids or not have kids; to have careers or enjoying jobs for the sake of jobs; to thrive and evolve and grow and change and learn and laugh, not just play the roles we are given; and to age. We’re allowed to age and as we do, step further and further into our power.

Development psychologist Carol Gilligan is author of groundbreaking book In a Different Voice where she discussed the theory that men and women are driven by different voices… and the price women pay for being accepted and included in a patriarchal society, was to quieten and silence their voice. In a recent Pulling the Thread podcast interview, she said men are raised to have power and women are raised to have goodness.

And as we all can see, until very recently it wasn’t good for a women to age. But that is finally shifting. I’ve written a lot about the need for women to not accept ageing gracefully like a good girl, but to age powerfully, and do whatever the hell we want.

Here are some of my earlier essays on ageing powerfully and redefining midlife.

https://alanakirk.substack.com/p/why-i-turned-down-dinner-with-james

https://alanakirk.substack.com/p/how-to-make-midlife-changing-decisions

https://alanakirk.substack.com/p/are-you-ready-for-the-re-fire-ment

https://alanakirk.substack.com/p/what-transition-are-you-in-now

I’m in Donegal at the moment and I’ve been coming here for 13 years. And as I walk the beaches each morning, I realise how much I have grown and changed over this decade and a half, going through some of the most difficult and productive times of my life. And although I have aged, I have gotten younger. I am fitter, I have a new career, I listen to the thoughts in my head and then choose the ones that serve me best. I invest in my emotional health and I have dropped the tropes about who the external narrative thinks I should be, and shedded the soul-breaking expectations on my age.

I am not retreating.

I am 54 and I am only getting going.

I absolutely love hearing from you, and I’d love to know how you feel about how views of your age are changing so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.).

Are you getting younger in midlife?

(Why Kamala just made 59 young)

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