Are you having fun yet?
Seriously..... enough is enough
Quick note before the main post…..My new 12 week coaching adventure, Be Brilliantly YOU - Living a Better, Bolder, Brighter life starts on the 12th February that will help you find balance, joy and direction… all the details are below.
Seriously….. are you having enough fun?
Following on in my series of helping us women define what is enough is (rather than always trying to be enough by external standards, (starting with enough is enough here), this week it’s about an enoughness that is often so lacking in women’s lives. Joy. Playfulness. Wild abandon. FUN!
"I just think I'm finished with the joy stage of my life.”
That's what a client said to me last week. Let’s call her Ciara. She is a busy, successful businesswoman with a young family and a beautiful new home. On paper it looks great. She has ticked all the success check boxes she created as she embarked on the adventure of adulthood. Yet, her life is a constant struggle to juggle work, family, home and self and she has no time or energy for fun. Worst of all, she seems to have accepted that it's not even possible for her. (I'll be challenging that of course as we work together).
Look, I’m not going to suggest that modern lives are all roses and unicorns. Yes, we have glorious opportunities and possibilities our grandmothers and beyond just couldn’t have dreamed of. We can study anything we want; travel anywhere, and alone if we choose; we can pursue careers and explore passions; we can have families, or not have families, or have families without partners, or with partners, or live whatever lives we want / end up with, without being social pariahs.
But it’s also bloody hard. Burnout and overwhelm taunt us like Donald Trump’s inauguration speech must have taunted the ex presidents all sitting stoney faced behind him on Monday. It threatens us and undermines us and takes alway all the joy and sense of achievement.
Because what didn’t happen when all these glorious opportunities and possibilities emerged, was that “Society” said, “Wait a minute! Everyone pause. If we are going to put female toilets in universities, and allow women with all their talents and perspective they bring into the workplaces, and encourage girls to aspire, we should really restructure how society and homes works so that everyone can aspire and enjoy equally.”
That speech did not happen. Nope.
So women are caught in what scientists call the Triple Bind. As I explain in my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter, firstly, we have to be good at all the traditional female traits - be loving, kind and amenable, nurturing, domestic (and preferably a little docile by smiling all the time and saying “I’m fine”). Then we have to now be great at all the male traits - kicking ass in sport and academia and workplaces, being strong ballsy leaders (except this is called bitchy and bossy, but hey), being aggressive (but keep smiling!). These two binds where identified in the early 90’s. Twenty years later, in their fabulous book The Triple Bind: Saving Our Teenage Girls from Today's Pressures and Conflicting Expectations, researchers Richard Henshaw and Rachel Kranz discovered that not only had it not got better, but a third bind had emerged. Now we also had to meet rigid and unrealistic expectations of how we look.
So you know, the possibilities are amazing, but the pressures are powerful.
Fun-ily enough
With every client that comes to me (and new group programme starting soon - see below!), we start by looking at their life in its entirety, regardless of the actually issue they want to focus on because, everything affects everything. It’s really important to start by checking in to see life in perspective as a whole.
Health and fitness affects fun, relationships, career, and yes, even personal growth and money. Relationships affect home life and emotional health. Fun & leisure affects health, relationships, home environment, career. They are all entwined.
And when I do this exercise, I’d say 90% of women score their Fun & Leisure really low. I mean some even scoff it’s on there.
“Fun? Mmmmmmm. Don’t really have time for that.” Or they look despondent because they can’t remember the last time they belly laughed.
As I spoke about last week, when we are constantly striving to be enough externally, we abandon ourselves internally. And with my client Ciara I mentioned at the start, self-abandonment took the form of believing she couldn’t enjoy the work, people and life she invested so much time, energy and effort into.
I try to help women remember that before the roles and responsibilities we took on like Nesting dolls, we used to be fun, funky people and then we became practical. We became the practical partner, the practical parent, the practical daughter, the practical co-worker. We became the person everyone relied on, and in being reliable we stopped relishing.
And so it’s time we defined what enough practicality looks like, and remember that we can be practical and playful.
So let’s start a new new year resolution… because this is the real start of the year anyway. Who decided the beginning of the year when you’re over-fed, over-partied, broke and exhausted as the best time to break your spirit even more with strict structures of deprivation?
Let’s be resolute about defining fun.
One of the reasons Ciara didn’t have time for fun anymore was because her definition of fun was still based in her pre-family, work-overload days. It meant going carefree clubbing with her friends and she had neither the time or energy for that anymore. So I encouraged her to explore and expand her definition of fun, to really seek what she needs now that her days are full, and her evenings are full-on.
Here’s the FUNdamentals
So let’s play. Let’s remember the lightness as well as the laundry.
Let’s redefine what fun looks and feels like at this age and stage - for me this is belly laughing with pals, walking alone in the woods listening to a podcast, reading a book in the sun, baking something with one of my teenage girls, driving and listening to music (their music obviously!) with another daughter, travelling with another, going on a date, NOT going on a date and staying in alone with the fire lit and a glass of wine and the TV show of my choosing, being inspired, chatting, yoga in Greece, plunging into the cold sea, playing RISK because no-one in my family will now play with me because it is not fun for them, travelling, eating, drinking Rose wine, dancing, and yes, I now even find my weights class fun. And dear god, yes, gardening is also slightly fun now too.
Because I’ve had to redefine what fun means as I go through life…. And I hope there are many more new definitions ahead still to embrace.
Let’s be proactive about deciding what the bare minimum of enough is in our weekly lives for fun and frivolity and fancying just a moment to be. YOU decide. Because if you don’t, if you keep striving to be enough of everything to everyone, there will not be enough time or energy for you. And you matter.
Your joy, and contentment, and peace and power and energy matters.
Enough is enough. You are never over your stage of joy.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
AND I am thrilled to be launching my new group coaching adventure starting on the 12th February for 12 weeks. Be Brilliantly YOU - Living a Better, Bolder, Brighter Life is for you if you are constantly saying “there has to be another way?!” I want you to know, there is.
You CAN have more fairness, balance and beauty in your life - to really live the vibrant life you want. You’ll be part of a small cohort of women, who while all have their own unique story, will also know how it feels to want to manage better, choose boundaries and live bolder days, and feel brighter amid the merry mayhem. I’ll take you all on a 12 week adventure where you will learn practical and powerful life-long tools, habits and empowering thinking. All the details are here. As always my paid subscribers get a 10% discount - just email me at alana@alanakirk.com.
And until the end of January, you can book my New Year Special Breakthrough 2025 - Your Year to Thrive. It’s a package of two empower hour coaching sessions plus a copy of my book Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter for just €250. (Normally one breakthrough Clarity Coaching session is €150). If you’re feeling stuck, need a change or want to get a grip on your life, this will give you the space, guidance and focus to make sure next year is YOUR year. As always, my paid subscribers get a 10% discount.. just email me at alana@alanakirk.com.
I absolutely love hearing from you, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)
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