Distinguishing self from situation
Why sensuality is so important
I’ve become the kind of woman my teenage self would have likely ridiculed. A yoga-loving, sea-swimming, nature-hugging, weight-lifting, journalling, meditating, emotional-regulating, less-fucks-giving, more patient, less tolerating, dancer in my kitchen. (I’m also a hormonal, tantrum throwing, political soapboxing, arsehole sometimes too!).
Back then though, I thought fast was ambitious and slow was dull.
I thought skimming was better than delving.
I thought my parents were slightly touched that they insisted on walking places just to, you know, walk. All those mountains I climbed and the forests I walked as a child, and I barely took note of a thing.
And I missed so much, like trying to count the sheep passing in fields while sitting in a high speed train.
One of the absolute pleasures of midlife (and we need them because of the pressures), is becoming more of who you are really, rather than who you are supposed to be.
And for me, if that means my fast, skimming, nature-ignoring teenage daughters do roll the occasional eye, so be it. In fact, the more it horrifies them, the more it makes me feel I’m likely doing something right. I hung a picture on my wall a couple of years ago, of an illustration and thought that helped me get through a really tough period of rebuilding my life, and they scoffed. So I joyously bought two more. Their dramatic rolled eyes made me smile (it’s always the little pleasures, isn’t it?).
But aside from the pleasure I get of horrifying them sometimes, I know that hopefully by the time I’m dead, they’ll be well into their midlives. And I also know they’re unlikely to have got there unscathed. I hope the scars are light, but I don’t doubt they will have some. And as they clear out my things, they will see the ways I built the supports I needed in my life to help me with my own and they might each take one of those pictures they mocked and hang them in a quiet corner of their own homes and while their own children will maybe roll their eyes and scoff, they will look at it and smile, now knowing what it means to invest inward, not just on the outward. Because that’s what I’m trying to now rolemodel.
Last week my daughter came down to the kitchen to find me standing barefoot in the garden in the light drizzle. (I miss my dog and I miss my morning walks in nature and so I was having a moment, getting my green fix before the day tried to strip me of colour. I also talk about the power of grounding here).
She just stared through the glass door, her cup of tea suspended in shock halfway to her mouth, slowly shaking her head in mortification. To amuse myself by horrifying her further, I lifted one foot and balanced on one leg just for effect. When I put my hands together in a buddhist gesture and bent forward in prayer, I could read her lips retort “FFS!” Ah it gave me so much pleasure.
But seriously, having a moment to myself, even it is in the rain, is one of midlife’s pleasures. I talk, write and coach so much about the hectic-ness of women’s lives, and how important it is to catch yourself, check yourself, calm yourself, connect to yourself… whether that’s in nature, in a moment of silence in the car or simply to stand by the kettle while it boils and say hello to yourself with a touch of kindness.
I was brought up to think life was all about output. I was the generation raised on the sword of “You can have it all!” to which we all fell on. While we are the generations to experience unprecedented opportunities and chances to explore education and careers (and much more), the equity in the home and social supports hasn’t progressed at the same rate. This means many of us are caught in a pressure cooker of demands and expectations. Sensuality - your sense of self and connection to self - is the release valve that lets the build up of steam out.
Last week I had a moment of coaching where I almost stopped the session just to reach out and hold my client through the screen. She is literally at the coal-face of this manic midlife - juggling a highly pressured job, small child who doesn’t sleep, and a home. Her roles are so overwhelming, she has no sense of self left and she was at the end of her tether. So many of us are, or can be in moments.
Output is important. But so is input. And I input in ways my younger self would have ridiculed and maybe even been afraid of.
And that’s why sensuality is so important.
It helps you distinguish between self and situation:
There is me in this situation.
There is me in this role.
There is me that needs love and help and support.
I love who I am becoming as a sensual menopausal, slightly hysterical at times, tree-hugging (I’ll hug anything really, but trees are my favourite), sea mermaid-ing, wind howling, dancing in the rain, sexually responsive, sensually curious midlife woman.
Yes there is mayhem and pressure and bad days and hard days. I am not a glowing crystal of zen. But I cling to my sense of self especially in those moments and days and that is making all the difference.
I spent my 20’s and 30’s thinking sexual was the goal - to be flirty and sexy and attractive.
Now I’ve learned it’s sensual. Sensual can lead to sexy, but also so much more.
An inner purpose.
An inner passion.
An inner right to choose happiness.
I was the young woman who put abusive post-it notes on her mirror, so she’d wake up and read how fat she was so she wouldn’t eat breakfast. The voices in my own head have been more abusive than any I’ve heard externally.
Sensuality means I treat myself the way I’d want to treat my child, or my mother, or my friend. Because sensuality means I matter. Otherwise I’m just a walking To-Do list.
Gabor Mate talks about authenticity (your real self) versus attachment behaviour (to be liked and safe). I believe as we move from youth, where fitting in and being safe is critical, towards midlife where being authentic becomes more essential, we can pay attention to our sense of self and decide what’s real and what’s reaction.
One way is to ask where are you
Performing?
Pleasing?
Protecting?
Where are you distinguishing between Self and Situation?
When you can connect to self you live from within, rather than react to the external situation and expectations of who you should be. And it’s a process because we have been so conditioned to be the Should version.
The most important part of sensuality is cutting the labels off. Cutting the labels off the one-size-fits-all skin we were expected to lift from the patriarchal rail. And it’s now that can happen more safely.
Your energy comes from within. How you feel, how you connect to the day and yourself. Often I coach a woman and she tells me she has no time. When we get into the nitty gritty of her life - what the days and weeks look like - we often find it’s not really a time issue. Not really. Stuff can be moved and priorities changed. Often it’s really an energy issue. It’s a self versus situation issue. Your intention directs your energy.
When you can’t say no to others what are you not saying yes to yourself?
So when my life burned to the ground and I needed something more than a Cosmopolitan magazine How To Survive checklist to get through it, I turned inward.
That means feeling: feeling the wet grass on my feet; feeling the energy I get from nature; feeling the space I create by investing a smidgeon of time to just be every so often; feeling all the emotions, good and bad and knowing they are all valid; feeling who I am and who I always becoming.
And today, groggy from watching the US election all night, I feel despair for women as the shite, white, rich male elite push back on progress and strip everyone else of their path to equity. I can rant at the TV, I can lie down in fear, or I can go walk among the trees and breathe and witness and connect to my sense of self and distinguish her from the situation so I can focus on the important things in my life…. And maybe try to get an eyeroll or two out of my teenagers.
I absolutely love hearing from you, and I’d love to know how you distinguish self from situation , so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)
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