Ground-breaking survival techniques for midlife women
Why grounding is better than spinning
Women spinning leads to spun out.
When I was a teenager in the 80’s, a post-it note was placed on my brain.
I didn’t realise it was there for a long, long time, and yet, like the game of Who Am I?, it dictated who I was supposed to be, versus who I really was.
Considering it was the 80’s, a time when a woman’s role and value was still very much determined not by her individualism, but by a collective socialised idea that she was to serve and facilitate the lives of men, my parents were pretty liberal. My brother and I were given the same amount of chores, there was no sexist separation of expectation on jobs or education or life choices.
But there was one difference.
When my brother went out on a Saturday night, my parents would distractedly wave cheerily and shout “have fun!” as he left the house.
When I went out on a Saturday night, my mum would fuss and my dad would loiter in the hall and I would be told, “Stay safe. Be good.”
That difference, along with many other silent messages, formed a Post-It note on my brain: Men could go forth and be themselves; women had to behave and be good.
This isn’t about my parents by the way, because they were only responding to the external messages. It is about the difference in socialising of men and women and what that means for women today as adults who are spinning in desperation trying to juggle the old versions and the potential new versions that are possible.
Now I promise I’m not stepping up on my soapbox for a rant about the patriarchy (although I do so enjoy doing that).
This is all to say that because of that difference in socialisation, women today live in a frenzy of friction between who they are and what they want with their innate nature as lovers and fighters, versus the socialising to be the Good Girl and be all things to all people. I’ve written before about this and how we cannot always believe our first thought because of the Triad of Turmoil that this socialising thrusts on us: perfectionism, people pleasing and imposter syndrome.
Also, we straddle the transition from a patriarchal society where women did (do) all the unseen, unrecognised and unappreciated domestic work (both physical and mental) to an equitable one where women have closed the pay / pension / organism gaps but also have the same freedoms to pursue a career and have a family as men do (or choose not to do any of those things without a constant social narrative telling us who and how we should be).
All this is about setting the context of women’s lives. So much of my work as a coaching champion for women in midlife is helping them understand the context of their struggle to juggle it all, rather than constantly thinking they are failing by not meeting the preposterous expectations put upon us. When you understand the context, it means you can work for yourself, instead of against yourself.
I live this context every day as a working, single mum to three teenagers, whilst also trying to fulfil some of my ambitions as a writer and a woman who wants to thrive and evolve, not just survive and stagnate in exhaustion. I have to practise every day not to believe the socialised first thought that can come to me that I’m not good enough because I’m maybe a bit emotional, or not thin enough to be socially acceptable because God forbid, my menopausal belly is apparent, or I can’t put myself first because I have to please everyone else before I can respond to my own wants and desires.
There were days I’ve spun so out of control, I thought I might just evaporate. I knew the sheer amount of physical and emotional burden on my shoulders was wrong, but I also knew I had to keep doing it. That was before I ripped away the Post It note and went into recovery for the perfectionism, began to wean myself off the people pleasing and create tools to counter the imposter syndrome. But it’s still there, a mark on my brain where the Post-It stayed for many years, so I have to be vigilant. As I say in many of my talks and events I speak at, the first superpower of an empowered midlife mindset is curiosity. I have to stay curious about the thoughts in my head and the patterns of my behaviour and check myself who they really belong to. (The other two are intentional and an attitude of gratitude.. you can read about them here.)
Women have been socialised to be agreeable and then we lose ourselves in the others around us.
And one of the places where I have landed in terms of meeting the context where it is and keeping my sense of self is grounding.
Grounding means you can take a moment to discern what do I want? versus what is expected of me?
In my meditation yesterday (yep, a new grounding practise but by no means least…see more of this below), there was a great quote by Buckminster Fuller: You recover what is when you get rid of what isn’t
So that means quietening the external noise enough to ground yourself in self and in the moment.
For women in midlife, this is so, so crucial.
Since I started practising grounding myself throughout the day, I’ve really noticed how more quickly I’m able to recover from a moment of drama or irritation; how less annoyed I am and more able to catch my breath to gain a bit more perspective; to not take things so personally and instead see a bigger picture, quicker.
Most importantly I think, when I feel myself begin to physically, emotionally or mentally spin, grounding myself for a moment allows me the chance to grasp at facts rather than drown in assumptions. Game-changer.
What is happening is it’s not I don’t still have mini internal tsunamis of overwhelm…. but by grounding myself, returning to myself, remembering myself in the mayhem, now I can find the calm in the centre of the tornado and catch my breath... that alone de-escalates the stress. The tornado might still be raging around me - the amount of demands, my kids needs, money worries, the windows need washed, the ceiling needs painted, the house needs properly cleaned, the garden needs cut back, my dad is ill, my daughter’s leaving results are due, blah, blah, stormy blah - AND I am still here and alive and connected to myself in a calm space in it’s centre. As I have written in this column many times, and speak at my company talks, the problem is that we were told the goal in life is to be happy 100% of the time. But the goal is to be able to go through a wide range of experiences and emotions and stay connected to yourself.
Grounding is one way to do that.
Grounding
Grounding can so many things, for me it simply means returning to myself for a moment, and stepping out of the tornado’s noise so I can still my thoughts. This can be full woo woo stuff like standing barefoot on the grass, arms outstretched in the rain chanting Oms, to full psychology-driven meditations. But mostly it can just be simple moments throughout your day to catch your breath, give your brain a break and gather your wits about you.
And when I say give your brain a break, I mean from you. From the constant chatter and chiding going on in your own head (remember that Triad of Turmoil).
These are a few example I use and share with clients sometimes:
Barefoot
Standing barefoot on the grass, or on the sand. Just remembering you are part of nature (and a very insignificant part which helps me remember that most of my shit doesn’t actually matter.) I don’t actually stand with my arms outstretched and chant Oms but go crazy if that floats your boat. I personally love the feeling of bare feet on grass for a few moments each day, usually while I peruse my overgrown garden that needs so much work. Often when I can feel a panic of some sort rise in me because of work, money, my girls or my dad’s health, I just go and stand barefoot quietly in my garden and it brings me back enough to get perspective. (There is scientific research behind this too.. the practise which is sometimes called earthing or touching grass has been proved to offer significant mental health benefits such as reduction of anxiety and stress, improvement of mood and emotional wellbeing, enhanced mindfulness and presence, better sleep.)
Doing a 5,4,3,2,1 exercise
I do this at the start of group coaching sessions to get everyone in the moment as we all know what it’s like to serve dinner, get kids organised, find a quiet spot, or rush home from work / gym so you can devote an hour to a zoom call about making your life easier! I also use it myself sometimes when I really need to stop spinning and get focussed and it only takes a minute.
5 - focus on 5 things you can see
4 - focus on 4 things you can touch
3 - focus on 3 things you can hear
2 - focus on 2 things you can smell
1 - focus on 1 thing you can taste
Shift your listening
Do you ever watch a dog or cat as their ears constantly shifts like little radars, picking up sounds from all around? You can do the same and it disrupts your thinking. If you’re on one of your worry rants in your head, or playing the same old theme tune of irritation that no-one in your house can see the shit on the stairs to go up, or the crap at the top to come down, or just plain tired, switch on the radar and see what you can hear. The birds in the trees? They were there all the time, but only now you can hear them. The dog snoring. The wind outside. It takes you out of your head enough for a minute so you can decide what to focus on.
Play worse case to best case
This is a little game to change your mood. It’s so easy to get swept away in the tirade of annoyance and unfairness - especially since the world seems to be made up of assholes, present company excepted. That person who cuts you up in the car? Asshole! And then you can spend the next 15 minutes railing against assholes, which turns into a rant about men and the patriarchy and before you know it, you’ve blown a gasket and you arrive at home hating everyone and everything. Or…. You can ground yourself with the knowledge that your brain is wired to see worse case scenario. It’s a survival thing. Better to think the rustle in the grass is a snake than a cuddly rabbit. And in a grounding moment you can remember this and step back from your barbarian brain and play the best case scenario game. Why might they have cut you up? Maybe their wife is in labour and they’re rushing home to her? The thing is, you’ve absolutely no idea which is right. They could be an asshole, or they could be having an emergency. The goal of grounding is to choose the option that lets you stay emotionally intact and lets you get on with your day. Ground in the moment, don’t pound the steering wheel.
Feel yourself
Ok, keep it clean. For me, it’s a swim, a walk, a breath, yoga, weather - sun, rain or wind on my face all help me feel myself in my body and return to myself. Even if I don’t do a full online yoga routine, most mornings I’ll at least do a few stretches and that feeling of my muscles working is a reminder to get out of my head and into my body. I keep some kettlebells in my kitchen and when I’m frustrated with writing for example, I get up and do a few swings, to get my blood moving, feel my muscles and give my brain a break. Writing this column has given me some muscle power!
Do Sweet FA
Then there is the Dutch idea of Niksen - the art of doing nothing. By choice. Staring at nature, sitting down and people watching. I know. Radical isn’t it? That a woman might not be busy for a whole moment?
Coaching is grounding
OK, blatant promotion of coaching here, but it is. As I often say to my clients, while I am useful and the methods are proven, the biggest impact of coaching is them showing up for themselves and devoting an hour to quietening the tornado enough to see what’s really going on. Sometimes when I’m coaching, I’ll have a plan for the session but my client will come on in a state of spinning for some reason. And the session is spent grounding her and that makes all the difference. I don’t make her go out and walk barefoot on the grass, but I give her the space to breathe, to bring down the thoughts swirling in her head one by one, we look at them, get curious about them, and more often than not we can dispel them until we find the thought that is going to benefit her the most.
Journalling
It works. It just does. I’ve spoken so much about the power of journaling here and offer a full year daily journal guide here too, so for now, I’m attaching my general daily prompt guide - a couple of minutes at the beginning and end of each day to bookend your day in connection to self will help you build that muscle of checking in with yourself.
For me grounding is not about being all sweetness and light (although that is obviously helpful) but it’s about staying upright in the chaos of your life, but not being uptight. To understand the context of your life as a woman today - in all the wonderful time and opportunities of this unique and extended midlife, and the unrealistic pressures and conditioning that just makes it all so bloody hard sometimes.
So I hope this helps. I hope amid the mayhem of your life or your thoughts, you can understand the context and start to ground yourself in whatever way works for you, regularly throughout your day, to return to yourself, remember yourself, relate to yourself, and give yourself a big ol’ hug. Because a bit of self-love is the best grounding of all.
I’d love to know your thoughts!
I absolutely love hearing from you, and I’d love to know how you feel about getting pockets of peace in your day, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.).
And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it!
If you’d like some help exploring what’s possible for you at this age, I have a mini masterclass (a 15 minute video and worksheet) to help you explore and develop core versions of yourself each day to form your Midlife Daily 5. All the details are here.
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