Enough of being the Good Girl

Let's redefine "good"

Feb 19, 2025

Women were brought up to be Good Girls. Boys were raised to be boys.

My parents were liberal for the day - this was 1970’s and 1980’s Belfast but there was equality in what was expected of my brother and me in terms of chores and future ambitions.

But there was one subtle difference.

When my brother went out on a Saturday night, he was told “Have fun!”

When I went out on a Saturday night, I was told “Be good! Stay safe!”

Like a post-it note on our brains, women were socialised to conform to a certain way of behaving, and being.

The main element of the Good Girl Condition is about being compliant, sweet, caring, non-opinionated, don’t rock the boat, and always be polite and pleasing. As I wrote about last week despite my generation of women being given the chances and choices many before had not, there was still an underlying leash - you can run into the possibilities but don’t get too ahead of yourself.

And as women take on more roles and responsibilities this Good Girl Curriculum extends to perfectionism and practicality and production.

Being a Good Girl means good at being busy (all the time), good at giving (to everyone all the time), and good at being responsible (for everyone and everything all the time).

Good = being Busy (all the time)

The business of busyness has led to an epidemic of overwhelm and burnout. The relentless Keeping-Doing lists because a To-Do list never actually ends. Despite all the time saving devices, we’ve never had less time for ourselves. Women are twice as likely as men to suffer anxiety. Women still do twice the housework as men, PLUS most of the cognitive / mental load involved with running a family and home, plus many are working, plus, you know, keeping up with the latest nutrition, fitness and social media trends. It is exhausting.

We have reached a ridiculous age where I experience myself, and see it in the women I coach, that we now have to work at resting. Then busyness blurs our sense of what is really important as we strive to thrive in our own right. I see it all the time in my work - women ghosting themselves because the blizzard of busyness is overwhelming.

So let’s ask what if?

What if instead of building on a never ending To Do list, you reframe it as a Keep-Doing list? You take away the urgency of getting to the end of the To-Do, and pace yourself through a Keeping-Doing list, building in breaks because you will never be done, and there’s no point in rushing to get to the end.

What if you stop proving your kindness and love every day, and start assuming it is a given, and then give according to your capacity?

Good = Giving (all the time)

As I explored last week, women are conditioned to export our love and care externally. To give it. I always encourage my clients to shine a bit of the light - the light they automatically shine so brightly on others, on themselves. I’m not talking about a superficial layer of “self-care”, but a deep tissue level of self-support. When life feels hard, it’s usually because it is hard - so ask yourself, what do I need to support myself through this moment, this feeling, this experience, this reaction, this day, this period? As a divorced single parent of three teenagers, caring for my ailing dad, running a business and generally trying to be a decent person, my life can feel all give and no take at times. Then I remember that when I don’t feel seen, heard and supported, it’s usually because I’m not seeing, hearing and supporting myself.

So let’s ask what if?

What if you assess your capacity (emotional, physical, mental) today and give what you can and keep some for yourself? What if you imagined your Energy Meter and allocate an amount to the various things or people you want to and adjust to ensure there is some for you. What would that look like?

What if you gave from a place of strength and intention, rather than drain and demand?

Good = responsible (for everyone and everything)

It links to the invisible workload, the practical workload imbalance, the emotional burden and the socialisation of a Good Girl which all lead to an utter over-responsibility that just feels overwhelming. I’m not even going to list it all here because I promised myself and you lovely readers a shorter post this week and I want to take responsibility for myself. Because that’s the answer. The answer to over-responsibility is distinguishing yourself from the situation and taking radical responsibility for yourself. Yep, it means sharing the load, it means empowering others, it means boundaries and it means stop giving a shit about 90% of it.

So let’s ask what if?

What if you are not responsible for everyone’s moods, feelings, emotions, thoughts about you, ALL the housework, ALL the family management, ALL the solutions to everyone’s problems, ageing in an age of anti-ageing propaganda, being “too” much/little/enough?

I love Paloma Faith’s new song where she sings “I’m not a good girl, I’m a bad woman.

We all need to start being bad women, being bad at the expected and patriarchal-led version we “should” be. Or better still, what if we redefine what “Good” means for us?

Good means working well and not having to work at rest.

Good means pleasing those we love in a way that also pleases us.

Good means knowing our value is in being our vibrant, valiant selves in whatever loud or quiet form that takes, not only in what we do for others.

Good means smiling when we want to, thank you very much, and also articulating our feelings and thoughts however we want without being afaind of who we offend.

Good means having empathy but not being responsible for everyone’s happiness, but to empower those around us to be responsible for their own by role-modelling that behaviour.

Good means not abandoning our sense of self amid the roles and responsibilities we take on.

Good means that the only person you bend over backwards for is your yoga teacher.

I absolutely love hearing from you, so please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.)

Enough of being the Good Girl

Let's redefine "good"

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