What are you watering?
The right seeds or the wrong weeds?
One of the delights of my midlife has been to actively embrace the blooming beauty of gardening. As a teenager, walloping my ears with Wham on my Walkman, I’d sit in the garden watching my parents oooh and aaaah over an emerging blossom like a baby in a pram, rolling my eyes and thinking they were just weird.
Well, at 55 I’m now as weird as shit, although I also still have some sort of noise in my ears…. Not Wham, but usually a podcast to fill my politically nerdy head.
But it was not always so. When my marriage ended abruptly when I discovered my husband was gay and I realised the life I had build had actually been built on sand, our (now my) garden became the enemy. It had been his domain while I focused on building our home and you know, breeding. Despite having a father who always engineered a Spring splendour and a Summer of colour in our garden growing up, my head had been too invested in boys and books to take any lessons from him. The garden was an alien place I had no knowledge of.
When my ex-husband left, and I was left with a full home, three kids, a dog, two cats and a garden to manage alongside my freelance career as a campaign copywriter, I barely had room to think, let alone the bandwidth to figure out the seasonal servicing of a growing garden.
And grow it did. Things grew and crept and climbed until it became a part of my life I just ignored….literally too much to handle. I would go outside occasionally (because I actually loved being outside and loved being in a garden) but I just had no idea how to handle this weedy wizardry and I didn’t have a clue what to pull out, what to water and what to plant, so I’d retreat to a house that needed perpetual cleaning, defeated by it all.
I focused on my girls, I tried to keep my career on life support and I used whatever energy I had left to maintain the house, home and my body as best I could.
I was also angry. Angry at being abandoned to do it all, and angry that the abandoned garden kept growing in defiance, a constant reminder I wasn’t doing enough, wasn’t doing anything well enough, wasn’t a shiny happy mum with all her shit together as per the memo we got from social media and the wider social narrative. Angry that single parenting left me feeling I was living my life with one hand tied behind my back, and I hadn’t learned yet how to be the hand on my own back.
As the weeds and worries grew, there was less chance for the garden and me to bloom.
But we are resilient beings, us humans. Just like the nature around me. And gradually I started to rebuild (or regrow) my life. But the garden remained my nemesis. Until one day, a gift of kindness changed it all. My lovely neighbour came in to feed my cats while I was away and she did something that I will never forget. She saw what I needed and quietly, boldly gave it to me. (Aren’t those the gifts that give the most?)
When I came home that Sunday and walked into my kitchen it took me a moment to see what had happened. She - and a gardener she used occasionally - had spent the weekend sorting out my garden. It is still one of the most important gifts of my life. They chopped and cleared, weeded and pruned until my little green space at the back of my house looked like it might just make it into a garden again. A place for my children to play in and me to sit in, in our new family form. A place to embrace us in nurturing nature.
And like my favourite childhood book - The Secret Garden - a treasure trove of beauty and possibility was revealed. My plum tree. An apple tree. She pointed out the plants that would bloom and the trees that would produce and I saw what it was. A place to grow myself and my fractured family back into a new shape.
She had given me another gift that weekend but I didn’t see it until the Spring when the bulbs she had planted started to emerge and colour popped up in pots that had long been neglected.
It was the start I needed. From that place I could now try to maintain it better. The next Spring I was rewarded with bulbs I had planted. My garden will never be one of those dainty, clean cut creatively cultivated visions. It is wild around the edges and wonderful in all it’s messy magnificence, a bit like my life. But it is vibrant, and colourful and the sun shines in it…. a bit like my life.
I pick plums from a tree. I pick apples to give to my neighbours. My dad helped me plant blackberries so the wild back (for bees, not just because it’s less space to mow) has purpose. Every spring I still go to a garden centre completely intimidated by my vast dearth of knowledge but pick up some plants and make it my own.
It is mine now. I spend a ridiculous amount of time in it just being, watching my cats try to catch flies and my girls will occasionally join me and we read, quietly, content in our patch of earth.
What was my hatred has become my heaven.
What was a symbol of my abandonment has become the sanctuary for my soul.
What was a force bigger than I could control has become a force of nature that nurtures me.
(I reiterate again, that anyone who is a proper gardener would consider my garden a total shit show, but I love it all the same, as my simple daffodils and tulips wave at me each morning).
So last weekend in the strengthening Spring sun, I took a deep breath and finally breached the winter neglect to start Operation Summer Garden. I mowed the lawn, and then in the sweaty sun (me sweating, not the sun: it was glowing) I started the arduous task of hoeing the ground - raking all the debris and overgrown weeds and neglected growth. Once that was done, I ruffled up the soil and scattered a packet of wild flower seeds. I watered them and will wait. Because we are always sowing the seeds for our future life as well and living in the current garden. But we can also water the weeds that clog up our emotional bandwidth and prevent the sun getting to our bones if we don’t clear them.
And that is what we all must do.
Where are you watering the weeds in your life - the negative, long out-of-date emotions, the ruminating thought patterns that keep you in despair or anger, the grievances, the fears, the imposter syndrome, the perfectionism, the people pleasing that holds you in guilt and resentment and stagnation?
And where are you watering the seeds of hope, creativity, health, connection, ambition, peace, purpose in your life?
Some will bloom now and some will reward you in time. But you have to start watering them now, and stop watering the weeds.
I’ve written about here about the blizzard brain of thoughts and expectations that can stop you living with clarity and direction and joy… the blizzard that prevents the balance. So much of this Quadrant of Chaos is there because you (and me) water the weeds more than we (and me) water the seeds.
So let Spring spring you (and me) into action, and let’s be proactive about what thoughts and emotions, ambitions and narratives we water. Let’s fill our messy lives with colour and bear the fruits of being intentional about where we put our energy.
I don’t want to make this a paid piece so it’s available for everyone to read so for my paid subscribers (thank you, thank you, thank you - you help me keep this newsletter going, because it takes time and energy each week) I will send you a little worksheet to help you work through your weeds and seeds.
Just email me at alana@alanakirk.com and I will send it to you. When you’ve done it, you can send it back and I’ll give you some feedback (feel free to ask questions or ask for specific support in an area) to try to move you forward. I’ll do this each week now for paid subscribers.
If you fancy a listen on how to choose YOU in love, this was my latest podcast interview with The Relationship Coach podcast Choosing Love. Here’s a clip from Instagram.
I’m also heading to Cork tomorrow (Thursday) for the RTE 1 daytime TV show Today to chat about how we repurpose ourselves… I should be on about 4.45pm if you fancy tuning in.
And finally my group coaching programme The Balanced Life Blueprint starts next week…. Are you coming? As always my paid subscribers get a 10% discount. Here is some feedback from the current cohort - what a joy it has been to watch them clear away the weeds and water the seeds of their lives.
I am loving the programme! It has really helped me focus on what direction I want to take at this stage of my life. Up until now I felt I was toddling along aimlessly with no real goals. The programme has given me real targets to work towards and, most of all, the realisation that I can achieve what I want if I put the effort in.I look forward to our meeting each week. Thank you so much for your guidance,
B, Dublin
Alana ’s 10 week course has provided a massive opportunity to assess my life now that our children have flown the nest. She has a great ability to help women press the reset button -look ahead to the next 3 to 5 years (which I have found daunting) and believe in their ability and power in their middle years
B, Northern Ireland
‘I’m SO glad I signed up for this program. I and am learning to recognize and care for myself again after 30 plus years of caring for everyone else. Well worth it!
Judith…Canada’
Please join me in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, please click on the link below to go through to the website to join the conversation.) And please take a moment to like and share if you enjoyed it! As always, if you fancy a coaching hour with me to give yourself the time to think about yourself and next steps, you can book a Breakthrough Empower Hour here. And as always, my paid subscribers get a 10% discount - just email me at alana@alanakirk.com
My next Group coaching programme is up and ready for fabulous women to join. It starts on the 14th April.
The Balanced Life Blueprint
10 weeks to delve deep into where and how and who you are at this age and stage - whatever that is - and create a clear and confident pathway ahead.
All the details are at https://www.themidlifecoach.org/coaching-in-a-group
My paid subscribers get a discount - email me at alana@alanakirk.com
As always - all my coaching options are over on my (sparkly new!) website
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